2001-09-16 - 1:49 a.m.

life keeps pulsating on...and i have much to share and catch up on but i feel an utter reluctance.

i feel all my adventures are small and unimportant to share about in the face of so much sadness. but i also have a reluctance to shower and brush my teeth, just cuz.

i have finally felt the spirit again, genuinely, since i've been back. i felt it when i saw the sparkles of light fall off the saucey ocean, and the footsteps of father and little steps of son in the sand, a cob web with such an intricate design and the brillant cupping of a elephant ear leaf wearing a opaque green color. i felt it after i walked miles (no car still), when this walking finally silenced the clutter and i sunk back into being. it's the only moment i'm safe in.

be.

just be.

some times i don't want to be in the moment, cuz the moment, the reality is unbearable. painful. overwhelming. lately i challenge myself to sink into the sadness and feel it with all five senses. like when i'm on a rollercoaster and i resist that tight out of control tickle and it gets worse, but when i sink back, it disappears.

i'm really on some kind of roll...more later.. but i have to tell you, i kissed two republicans! i never thought i'd ever cross that line.

ever.

another thing i pondered tonight was that i used to want everything in my life perfect like a nazi. the car had to work, i'd be employed and myself in mint condition..because i'd be afraid to see which friends wouldn't stick around if i wasn't all these things.

i'm finding out now other peoples capacities. how others show up for me, or are unable to show up. i have two new amazing friends of substance. we made plans, they actually kept them. no cancelling, no fear of committing to one night. and we had amazing conversation. they were interested in hearing about my trip and art and real deals. they've offered me rides (instead of me having to beg for them), picked me up, shown up. they are an example of who i want to be more of myself and of what i've been looking for.

but see this all just sounds like self obsessed hilly-ha, as it all is. were all lost in the matrix, until something breaks us out.