2001-09-18 - 11:36 p.m.

mental state: like i got consumed by a a mountain sized, slimy ameba that swallowed my sense of self whole.

so there's nothing like your mother to push all available buttons like a fat man glued to the remote control.

and i trieeeeddd to have kindness and patience. and i think i almost pulled it off. but she really annoys me. she cause's a major rucous everywhere we go, always being loud and "funny". always waving her arms and belching. always 'getting people going'. always telling me what i like, what i am like, & how i feel. and doing many 'we' statements as if 'we' are somehow the EXACT SAME PERSON. and then she calls me a snob becuz i didn't want a car with sponge seats. so sue me. i know what i want in life and sponge seats isn't fuckin included in the list.

i love her, i get my humor from her. but i saw her and grandma in their fierce, germanic light. their walls. the 'loving' pats that feels more like being slapped. the way she asks a question without listening to the answer.

there's part's i just desperately don't want to be like her.

i got a call on some job. don't know what. i haven't even started to look. i had a feeling this would be in the flow. when i don't worry, it all seems to work. but right now i'm still trying to shake off the mildew my mom left on me.