2001-09-12 - 1:49 p.m.

it's still like some dream. that every now and then i will be lost in routine, standing in line at the coffebean, or getting in position to catch a wave against the others wanting the same, and i'll almost forget the state of america.

it's like some barreling train of sour information that bursts back into you the moment you wake up from a calm and forgettful sleep and realize what night left you like.

i can't forget. i can't sit when i read an entry like partygirls. she's always been the swing thing in argueably the hippest town in the fuckin world. it makes it real. it brings it home.

yesterday i went for a walk and there was an iery silence where only birds and children chirped out of ignorance and bliss. i cried as i walked. no one could look another in the eye, as if we are both the victims and somehow the criminal. i wonder why there isn't a greater sense of community here in LA.

last night was a night where i longed to be wrapped in the arms of someone i loved. of a partner. i lay alone, terrified of every low and slow plane that passed by, knowing that no planes are allowed to fly, so it's either another attack or our survelliance. which is oddly not a comfort at all.

i was woken up by deb wanting to surf, we nixed it. when i looked outside and saw a blue sky, i called her back and said if tomorrow never came, we'd be glad we got a dip in the water. it felt nice. i did a somersault, i tried to see the beauty. but my sensitive heart hurts so much. i keep crying.

and the reality of my petty little life right now is like a brillo pad on a sunburn...

i bought a salvaged junk car on accident. i cancelled the money order. i may be in some legal trouble for doing that. and i may be stuck with a total junker! i don't have a job and won't even consider looking under america's circumstances at the moment. it feels strange. i'm with people a lot, my girl is getting married this weekend, hell or high water. there is that joy. but when i lay at night, wondering about earthquakes (as we had a 4.2 the other day) and distruction, i wish i was a part of a two. or back in colorado where things might feel calmer and more provincial. not here in a major metropolis where havok reeks, riots seems to erupt at the least excuse, the earth shutters and people are running around scared and angry.

i'm also sad that some of my friends haven't sought community or called. it's surprising and disappointing.