2001-09-07 - 8:12 p.m.

mental state: a pasty state of mental peach fuzz, but moldy and sick inside.

so just as i'm asking the dear lord for a nice, unattached, kind lay with a big snausage.... he sends me an ol' shag boy.

i was in manhattan beach spending all day and 120$ on a car i didn't get due to the ill recommends of the mechanic named javier when i get the call from "UK" to say hey! i'm in town!

hey! UK wow, um, do you have a car? great can you pick me up? we'll catch up in the car.

hehe. i had already turned in the rental counting on buying this lump o' crap that was said to be in 'mint' condition. fucking used car fuckers.

but then on the way home, i remember that UK gets too clingy and soft and is always saying how lovely i am and can't stop stroking me. i believe i'm a bit to icecream for that stuff. and his hair looked greasy.

at lunch i was spinning my lovers rolodex to remember why we fell out as i recall that he got sensitive on me for some unknown...and it came to me, i insisted and persisted for weeks to get him naked, put all my makeup on him and let me take pix! he said he felt like i was using him for the photo's,when in fact i was! i must be see through.

he's over it now.

i'm thoroughly annoyed at the state of my life and attitude. i'm extremely happy about all my friends, cuz their lifes are going really well and it makes my day, gives me hope. untill i got to jess. she's raging right now and she's met the type of guy i want to marry. arrrg and for some reason i got silly victimy inside...like 'why haven't i met someoone?' in reality...i've been in town for several days and i expect to have met three new boys to date, have a car and several solid job leads.

SUGAR SLOW DOWN. TRUST. REMEMBER? i felt what it was like to be in the flow of the river. i felt that amazing feeling of trusting utterly and it hurts to see myself fall so far out of it. to be struggling to stop the river. to be resenting my life and the fact that yesterday i drove to manhattan b twice, woodland hills and so far in the valley i don't even remember the name. and today to waste all day. and i still have the stack of bills and some court car sitch i've ignored and now may be fined or something ill like that.

and i hate to be the most negative human on the earth...as that is what i feel like.

i feel like drinking again will solve it all. i'll be social and ease into the scene again. i'll meet new friends for drinks at happy hour and enjoy it all. i'll revel in the waifing wind of forgotten troubles.

but trex...the only woman who could keep up with me drinking is finally sober again. and it gives me chills. she admitted herself. this is someone whose spirit i absolutely love and she was killing herself. she had to take a month off work a while back just to lock herself in her room and scrape mounds of coke into her nose. she is one of the most vivacious, funny, strong willed women that i know. it kills me that she's counting days again. how dare i go out on her now. she was the last person i was with the night before i went into camp rehab. we were sitting across from eachother doing a few unpleasureable lines of jittery, badly mixed stuff. we went for more. she had a very scarey look in her eye. we had an offer for more, i ran out of my place grabbing for a few clothes, getting to the co-dependents house with a sense of urgency to save my life. i was admitted at 11 the next morning after a night of feeling like i'd die if i moved two inches to the left. my last drink was regrettfully a sip of corona and maybe a half a pill. by 11 i was wide eyed and ready to roll again,forgetting everything from the torture before.

when i get all whiny about my for shit life and the ridiculous hoops i dive through to get my way with the used suv world, my sponsor reminds me to be grateful that i didn't have to go through chemo today. this is true. it's just hard to embrace.