2001-09-06 - 8:21 p.m.

mental state: a soft grey hue, like a storm that finally is starting to quiet down.

i'm going to buy the auto i want becuz i'm stubborn. and i'm sure i'll regret it...blablabla. but i'll enjoy it in the time being and i may die to tomorrow and blabla bla. in other words, i can't be talked out of it. i'm the most stubborn human in the planet. no- my dad is. then mom and i come in a close third. bless my brothers hero heart that he's too co-dependent to make the cut.

at lunch i was slightly considering selling my body. of course not at the corner of hollyhoe and vine, were talking arab princes, 5g's a night style. okay. ..just some rich dude that will pay 1g a night. and i remember a story of a friend who almost did that. it's so easy. i wouldn't have to work, i'd get sex. ....

is that insane? but don't tell me you wouldn't consider it!

but other opportunities are reminding me that i can actually find work again, and that i haven't even tried to find a job yet.

i might do sales. i'd kick fanny at it, it's a part of my jeans to wheel and deal. i just never wanted to do it. but stinky does and he works 10-4, completely making his own hours. phat. then i could take acting classes and write and surf and play!!!! and afford this car i'm buying.

whatever.

this is what cush replied to my email "i'm home safe. mmm. creative goodbye huh?"

................

Hey there darlin. It's been a long few days. Too much thought on the time together. I don't know what to say. I feel horrible. I wish my thoughts could just come out but they won't for some reason. Have tried to write this e-mail for days now. It sucks. I'm at a flood gate mentally. If I speak one word then the whole mess of them will come out. I don't know your thoughts as well and so I feel scared to speak.

I'm sorry. I wanted you to stay but maybe with a little distance at first would have been better. I felt claustrophobic and when you were in your own place I felt better. I wanted you here. I wanted to spend the time together, and see where it went. But, I got weird. I knew you were going to leave and I thought that I had to entertain the end of your "holiday" and I didn't like that. I wanted to just relax and enjoy each other. I speak harsh, but I don't mean it to be harsh. It's just honesty and in a raw form. When we were together on the day you left I felt great. The pressure was off, although I was hating the fact that you were leaving, and so we could be comfortable again. I wanted to tell you to stay, but you had already gone through changing your ticket. You wanted to leave before I even said anything. Looking on the beach for a room, changed my mind in how you felt. I couldn't ask you to stay. Then when you changed your ticket I thought you didn't want to see me. When we did get together and you smiled I couldn't understand your decisions. I didn't talk much that afternoon because I was confused. Confused with myself and your actions.

I don't know Mollie. I had a great time with you. We tried something that was really difficult for both of our personalities. Both on the defense doesn't help. Well, I don't know what to say. Please feel free with some of your thoughts. I'm just as interested.

Love,

Cush

..............................

what do you think?

it's strange and it pisses me off that he wanted me to stay and wouldn't say anything. but i was abrupt with the tix change and finding a hotel before we even had the seperation talk. so i guess he got scared. i just got insulted about the not being physical part! no one's ever told me that.

damn the fact that stinkie's small downunder. i really want some sugar. ripe says i'm so horny cuz i'm getting older. cuz i'd never just thought of it like this before, or crave it while i've been single. i had too much shame wrapped up in wanting pure sex. and there's been a lot of talk of younger men, and i think i want to go find me one! mmmm...but there's this one part to chemistry...i have to respect the person to sleep with them. i can't just have a go cuz they're goregous, cuz after ten minutes goregous ends up having a lot to do with personality. otherwise i could shag this brainless model i met before i left. but he's soooo useless and borring. i couldn't go there. so maybe less attractive, but incredibly vivacious and creative is the way to go.

will someone plllleeeassse clean my abode?