2001-09-01 - 11:38 p.m.

bangkok airport .... again

"monkey works coconut" is the sign i see cruising along on the back of cush's motorbike.

it got wierder.

my goodness- ps i celebrate my bday twice once right now and again midnight la time!!

this morning (last entry) i decided to leave, that on the inside that's what my lill girl needed. and i made a vow to nnot second guess that decision. becuz that is a tride and true thing to do in my family...2nd, 3rd and 100th guess every fuckin decision and expect the absolute worse in every possible outcome you committ to.

so i went to the beach in my thong skivvies. i had some puppy dog islrali boys follow me everywhere i went. i played in the crystal blue warm water, watched the fish, teased some italians and had them take almost nude underwater shots of me to finish my roll. i watched light waves lazily push in against sunlight bouncing off the motion causing a sparkling movie like effect. i tingled all over seeing that. i smiled a lot today. i watched the palm trees. cush met me at the beach to take me to a spa. i told him "fuck your silly boundaries" and i kissed him. he liked it. he suggested we fool around.

so i go to this jungle spa, in the middle of a coconut brush on a mountain. i'm massaged with mint oil in the open air on a round veranda. i take an herbal steam in a big rock. i watch the light bouncing off a cob web, falling from some tall palm. the thick sound of the jungle, the greenery. it melts me.

cush picks me up, we go to the balcony of his old house, where we have sex overlooking the ocean in its sweet sunset.

the sex was fantastic. i needed it. i was on top and felt free as my backside road the open air. i leaned on the railing, looking out to the ocean as he came in me from behind.

afterwards all of our walls evaporated and we were in unison, like before. we stared into eachothers eyes with angst, regret and total post lust love.

hormones can be pretty powerful.

now i start second guessing. wanting to stay, on the chartered sailboat with him on my bday instead of stinky LA. be in the blue water five more days. but he didn't ask me to stay. he didn't say much. he felt the same as me though. he couldn't stop holding me. i cried as i got in the taxi. i have a compulsive crying when leaving problem. i do it too often in my germanic opinion.

it hurt again. it is a strange thing that i know inside the way to take care of myself is to leave paradise. i know this inside. and i want to 4th guess it. over and over again. but i'm gonna let this one go. i'm gonna try to stay in the moment. it's the only place i'm safe. i'm not on the island, i'm not paying bills in LA. i'm in this safe moment where regret and projection don't exist.

after the sex, i took a silent moment to look out to the fallen sun and the quiet sea. the ocean mimicked the same irredescent grey that the sky settled into. a curious shade of grey that reminded me that life falls somewhere in between black and white.