2001-09-03 - 10:21 p.m.

Los Angeles 10.21 pm

i had culture shock today. my friend stinky took me to lunch for my bday. he took me to the ivy on the shore (ei. posh old money spot, where women with blond trussles, faces sucked so far back from the knife that all you see is a stretched back pig nose wear ball caps to hide from imaginary adoring fans.)

he told me about his last 24 hours of being at a party with famous people and then working out with marky mark. it was the quintessential LA moments. he's actually down to earth, beside jumping back ten feet as he saw my rash on my neck (as i've said before LA men= pussy's).

all my kindness learned from australia, looking into others eyes, taking time, etc has been slowly melting away as the smog of LA's toxins seep back into my glowing skin and ruin my light, happy spirit.

i hate LA. i love this city of angels that offers almost everything, plus sun, surf...but it's also. . ..it pales in personality compared to the humanly rich places i've been. i've seen through different eyes. i've shed so much materialism. i've seen people for their spirits and not their packaging. (well not the boys i've slept with, but come on dolls i had to o'). and i thought i'd come back ready for change in my life. and then the 'pressure' burns back in. the pressure for a career, and a car that the others will see me for. the pressure. i imagined a bohemish exhistance where i got a car just to have wheels, where my job was merely a vehicle to spread the love, where it all didn't matter cuz our bodies float back to the universe in time anyway. i imagine this. and i see all of the shiny cars and pretty people and shame comes back. and wanting a big suv daunts my brain like a requirement.

sometimes i believe that i need to leave this city just for my spiritual survival. and then i start to tell myself, i just have to work harder to weed throw the thorns to get to the few roses, the culture, the kind people. but nastiness is everywhere and i am but one person.

is nyc any better? or is sydney the only city that makes sense to me? any nyc'er's have an opinion on this? i've been spoilt by two months of intellegent conversation and people who don't ask what you drive or rarely what you do.

there is a lot to be overwhelmed by if you are walking in my snake skinned shoes. i have a mess of an apartment. i have a party for me to plan and worry about which people will come. i've got a scarey stack of two months worth of mail and bills with names like 'big boy debt' and 'your fucked doll' on them. i've got an arguement with my landlord to have over a part of my wall that is missing and he's blaming me and the rent increase, i've got a rent increase, i've got a car to buy with very little funds and then there's the insurance, registration etc to consider and i've got a motorcycle liscense to get (yes i am also buying a scooter/cycle cuz now i'm fuckin addicted). ooo and i've got the small consideration that once i buy the car i'll have no money until i have some job. maybe i'll drive the scoot until i get a job, and once i have it i'll know how much i can spend on some wheels. and then there's the question of what kind of work to get. probably anything offered. but i'm confused. remember that whole hipbub about acting? mmmmm. the only job i can think of to support that habit would be sleeping with rich men. hehe. and i do have a conscious, but damn that money would be easy!

i'm 26 now. and i'm really feeling mid twenties. that whole questioning, what the fuck thing. and it's funny cuz a year ago i felt thirty. with a set title, a great car, a man on the arm. and now i'm just a tornado with the runs.

i'm sad. utterly sad right now. okay! mercy! i admitted it. and i feel bad that my readers don't have exciting stories to read. now it's just....a hue of baby blue.

but we all know me, and it won't stay borring for long. i think i'll go try to seduce a sexy woman just to spice things up. hey ... there was that sugar from czech. she was yummy and gave me eyes much beyond friendship. now where is her number??!