2001-08-31 - 9:33 p.m.

ko samui

we lasted 3 nights together. i moved into a hotel tonight.

now lets paint the drama wrapped around that.

we spent all day together, and he annoyed me something fierce, his walk, what he'd talk about, his contradictions, the way i knew he didn't know himself, love himself and was still pretty ill inside. the way he'd talk thai and let the thai gals flirt while i stood there with a lame smile on my face trying to play nice.

i already looked into a hotel today, but later when we had the talk, i felt rejected. because he had said he didn't want it to be physical. just hang out still. huh??? are you not a cold blooded man. sleep with me, but lets not hang out. that is what i'm talking about. i knew i didn't want to hang with him, but the rejection hurt. really bad. it felt like the 'x' and the things he said and not being wanted. not being sexy.

ripe you can vouge...i'm not bad looking. what is this all about?

i think it has something to do with the drink. him pledging not to, he had a thai party to get to tonight, he wanted to drink.

he said i was more reserved this time and irritated with him. that we're different. but that he doesn't want to be physical, jsut to keep it friends.

WHAT??

it made me want him. i'm sick, i know. hehehe. at least i can laugh. hell when we were talking and he was saying no sexual stuff i was laughing my asssss off. here i've risked eviction from this extension, staying here over my b-day for nothing but disappointment!

wow.

can we all say wow together now?

so decisions. i decided to move to a hotel this very night. he drove me down to the popular beach, me smarting from the rejection, met two new swedish guys while walking back to get my luggage from him. i'm smooth and i work fast. i shoulda been born a hooker. i'm meeting them for drinks next. i think i'll take the tall cute one.

fuck that. i'm not sitting in my room crying. i'm talking dancing. playing.

but i saw their drinks, the swedes .

and i have to tell you. it really hurts. i feel alone, rejected, not wanted again. i feel like a fool and cush knows everyone here, it's his place, i'll have to run into him etc. and my b=day. what to do. cush still wants to do my bday plan which was to take my on a boat around the island and sail and snorkel. i felt like drinking tonight. fierce. ordering a bottle of whiskey...to start anyway. pissing it back. making it go the fuck away.

but i called goldie in LA. she said from what she hears me saying, that i need to come home.

she said, come home mollie we'll have a b-day party for you. to follow my first intuition.

i needed to hear someone tell me to come home. i needed to know that thats okay. i'm done. i want to come home. i love home i love friends and mtgs and blokes i know and stinky. i was done. my trip was over the 29, i extended it. but its done. i'm done. i would be just too stubborn to admit it. i think i should tough it out here in paradise and enjoy it damn it. cuz i'll get home and wish i was here in the sun with cheap massages. but i'm happy at home too. i don't have gazillions to look forward to...getting a job etc.. but i needed to know it was okay to admit i'm done, cash in my chips and call it a night.