2001-08-29 - 2:47 p.m.

ko samui, thai island

the ocean is always blue-er on the other side. i was in sydney wanting to be on the island, i'm here wishing i was back there. it's been raining all day.

so i have this intuitive test with men. when i'm in love and gone for a while and the said love boy comes to pick me up at the airport, there is always this moment upon which i see them, and in that instant i know 100% whether they are the one for me or not. all boyfriends had tested negative, even ones i was madly in love with. and the infamous 'x', well he tested no, but i had such strong blinders on that i quickly smuthered it with our love and choose to ignore it.

last night i saw cush and my heart was crushed. he's definately not it. the knowledge of this drowned me like a waterfall pouring over me. so i felt akward and strange all night with him. like i am trying to make a shoe fits that is just too big, the wrong color and stinks.

the plus side? he has a nice plan for me for my b-day.

so i'm just taking this as an extension of the affair. maybe some good snuggles and sex. but let there be no confusion. i'm not smitten. it takes one fuck of a man to take me over. damn that 'x' for finally getting into me and then leaving me roasting.

mmmmm. my heart hurts actually. i was thinking of some of the things that 'x' would say to me lovingly. the nicknames, being lost in the safety of eachother. why damn it! i've been done. no power over me remember???

and all of the sudden right now it hurts inside. the amazing way that 'x'' used to treat me hurts right now. burns inside.

so my b-day is the day of the full moon and the other island has a huge all night full moon party with dozens of dj's smashing drugs etc. we may go. i may dance all night. there are no mtgs here. i'm intoxicated by the beauty of being present and yet i still crave to kill myself by the bottle. images of numbingly snorting lines flash by like a billboard off the freeway. i think of rum, a large bottle i can buy first thing in the morning to kill all the feeling right off the bat. i imagine killing myself some more and having soemone watch me. i imagine rebellion and slamming drink after drink down me. the scream of the utmost fuck you.

but right now i'm on the path. i'm reading the way of the peaceful warrior and it's changing my life. i had all the pieces there before, but they were wondering, now with this book it's becoming cemented. actualized. daily. delicious.

i am getting lost in moments. chocked with tears. lost on the beauty of it. the simplicity. being in the moment cuts out the clutter of the mind. i can't explain it, but if you are searching or thirsting, then READ THIS BOOK. the way of the peaceful warrior.

it's about letting feelings rise, feel them, then let them go. i usually resist with an iron fist, suppress and then trap them in the angst of my stomach begging to throw it all up,,,out of me.

i've changed so much. who the hell am i today? i don't recognize myself at all. i'm morphing into someone i never asked to be, but couldn't be more grateful over becoming. i'm completely forgein to myself.

i turn 26 september 2nd. 26 years old and i know nothing.

i have dreams at night of being an actress. when i was little and my parents fucked all day and fought all night, i found myself safel in the made up world of my imagination. acting out whole stories and characters. practicing my whole life.

please don't let me walk away from this.