2001-08-15 - 9:49 p.m.

burnt in bali....

here's a lastest from the cush-ion.

(an email he sent to me) even tho i'm mad at him and don't want to see him and try to relive what was so magical by assasinating his character and figuring why he's not it. cuz i will.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

here's what i sent my best bud d... and his response. so you at

least

know my thoughts. outside that up to you.

cush

Me:

Hey there slick. Good job on hooking up with the boat. bla bal bla

The haps... I just got back from a 4 day diving trip off the coast of

Koh

Tao. I basically had my honey-moon. No not married but I think this

could

definitely be the one. Her name is luke. I met her on

Samui

about a week ago and we hit it off well. She's from Denver but living

for

some time in LA. Works on movie sets as some production...? Who knows

the

title thing but she's amazing. She's absolutely gorgeous, 25 years

old, and

perfect all around. We just spent the last 4 days diving together and

basically living the life of newly weds. Where to go from here I don't

know

but I'm happy. I've asked her to change her plane ticket and just live

with

me for a while. She's got some hangups at home but they could be

ironed

out. We'll see. This is the first time I've been this mad about a

woman.

It seems to be mutual, which makes it great.

Anyway, it's good to hear from you. I'll keep in better touch from now

on.

You may have to come out for my wedding so put a little away for the

plane

fare. The probability that this is the woman is extremely high. I've

had

my share of toss arounds but the look in this woman's eyes just tears

me

apart.

Lots of Love,

Cush

so i'm like what?

see and i'm just so sick that i'd like to be proposed to and i'd probably say yes just for kicks, go back to my life and intend on remaining fully single.

god indending on me having a penis but she just got confused.

this morning was hell, totally spinning on the decision of travel. went crying to fellow member of program. she broke it down for me about spending the day in the moment and get centered and it will come to me when i'm in a good place. so i did. now i'm sunburnt. and still haven't made a decision.

but lemme tell ya a lill story. when i was young and couldn't decide between two shoes, my mom would let me buy both, as her guilt over being a neglectful, yet overbearing, slap your child mother propelled her to let me soothe with plastic purchasing power.

so i'm used to trying to do it all and splurge. so i'll end up doing aussie and seeing cush.

although last night i told him a story how i almost died and then immediately after he was sayin 'i have to go' and not really responding, at least not the way i wanted him to!. which i told him i was annoyed. i know.

I KNOW. I HAVE INSTINCT TODAY. and i know that he doesn't have near the capacity i do inside to hold someone there.

hold someone through it. really go there. and i'm years ahead of him on therapy, sexually and such.

but he's cute.

hehehehe.

the frenchie is in town and coming to see me tonight. this is the jungle loving story i never got around to telling you. but let me tell you there is one pissed off french woman out there. ouch, more amends. and the list of the 'what the fuck was i thinking' is still to come. quite a story. stay tuned.

all i want is to enjoy the process. go. stay. fuck. meditate. win. loose. see kuwalas. see monkeys. eat cheese.

it's the process.

it's the joy.

it's the spirit i see in a smile.

in connection.

that's what i thirst for. that's what i want to be drunk on.

i was on the beach today full of euro's. i swear i'm the only american on the fuckin island. and there are frolicking, tanned lill tit's everywhere. i took too much satisfaction in knowing, besides some plump bad boob job, that i was the largest around. certainly not the tannest, but well endowed. i caught some tiny weeny italian babe staring. not that i'm THAT big. but i guess they are all just tart. anyway my whole point is that i was on the beach having euro envy and feeling like an outsider, when i started to listen to NWA and HOle and i felt so prowd to be WESTSIDE!! LA. gangs, loudness, character, flavor, in your fucking face, expressive etc. i got rambuncious in other words and i wrote a blood cutting poem from this feeling, embodying the color red.