2001-08-16 - 11:51 a.m.

'what the fuck was i thinking' list

*writing the 'x' saying "i'm proud of the courage you had to do what you did. it's imp to always listen to your truth. i'm ready to be friends." now its just dangling out there in email -did he get it, read it when will i hear back-land. what the fuck.

* having 3 red bulls at 1.20 am and thinking i can sleep by 2am with my blood hammer heading thro my veins like kersey out for a gold.

*almost getting raped and murdered in bali at 1.45am.

what the fuck dolls.

i have never been so close to a stranger attacking me b4. terrifying. i was going form posh bar full of itlaina model types to an club that turned out to be empty so i was leaving and it was one of those moments where u sotop at the road and decide which direction to take, knowing ur quick decision might just effect ur whole life. i could of gone the trusted way up to the main street or take the dark closed off from construction beach route which is shorter. thinking the beach route will eald me to my turn off in a block and imagining myself as incincible - i take the beach. as i get deeper in than i thought, passing wild dogs creating roaming shadows, i start to think that i'm not so safe. just as i'm half there and in the middle of a long stretch of utter desertion a motorbike slowly passes me. i pause thinking if i go forward he may follow if i turn he'll know i'm scared and i regret hesitating as he now knows im' vunerable and see i'm a woman. i keep going straight, he flips around to follow me. i motor past the mounds of rock and sand from the construction trying to steadymy bike and fucking move my ass at the same time. i get to a street and get so flustered that as i turn i skid out into the curb and with superhuman shaking terrified strength i lift my tipping motorbike as he nearly corners me inches from my breath. i get a good look at his darkness, mustache, drunk rapist eyes, he starts saying stop he's the police. i see no uniform, we are at the end of a mile long extemely dark and empoty road, i make a split decision and go full throatel ahead, were talking dukes of hazard. he's tailing me fast. i make the turn onto the main, but still emopyt street. he catches me, i slam my breaks, he slows and i pull out on the other side of him almost lossing him. he's hungery and i've got instinct. i rip in front of an open night convience market and stop my engine. i'm in plain view of people now. if he's a real cop he'll 'write me a tix' aske for a bribe, but he slows, see's the people, and speeds off as i screaM TO HIM 'youwant me to call the police now muther fucker!:"

sometimes travel alone has its benefits and somtimes not. i can't imagine if i paused too long on that street, what story i'd be writing right now. how many years one night would take to heal.

i'm going to go make my tickets now. to aussie. i can't believe i'm going to do this. i'm scared of being cold and alone. ii'm scared of everything. but that's what i tend to do. be scared and do it anyway.

whatthe fuck. why not huh?

loves...