2001-08-11 - 4:22 p.m.

bali

i am not the type that should increase my chances at death in any way. and i shouldn't rent a motorbike in this caotic town where drinking and riding is legal, there are no lanes or traffic lights.

but i did.

here's something cush wrote. yes i've felt a longing for him,...but i've also been keeping my eye towards new babies of course. cuz i'm cold? young? horny? i don't know. looking for my true love. yes. i realized last night at an amazing club, (it was just like LA or NYC, but filled with brazilians, aussies, indo's, spanish, italians, israli's...) that i want to settle down.

'settle down'. what a fucking word. but i want love and relationships and babies......and i'm on some baffeling path that reveals itself sometimes slowly and sometimes with abrupt passion that leaves me stunned and stung. i will never know when it's time, till it is. and i have to stay very close to my intuition, as i ignored it a bit with the last one THE 'X'. i didn't listen.

here's what cush wrote...

Hey there darlin. Well I missed you tonight. I wish you were online. Anyway when I closed the computer I felt empty. I felt a part of me was missing. It's so strange. I wonder if you are going through the same thing. I'm a rational person and have never felt so in shambles only after knowing you for a week. It makes me want to start discounting or something, just to stop the thoughts, but I can't. I can't let myself forget the comfort I see in your eyes. And the thing is you speak through your eyes and I could see. I could see what you wanted to tell me. I could see what has hurt you, what has made you happy, and all your emotions. In that I also saw that you were sincere, and all of that spoke deep to me.

I have been thinking about your concern with me and alcohol. I will stop drinking with you. I mean 100% nothing. I don't have a problem with that. I want to be with you and won't let something like alcohol get in the way of that. Stopping drinking would be a good thing for me as well.

I'm having a hard time writing right now. I have a lot of thoughts that run over in my head during the day but can't seem to get them out. Not sure if you want to hear and not sure what you are thinking. Tough to not hear your voice while talking with you. Maybe I can call you. Do you have a number that I could reach you at? A hotel number? If not you can call me on Noina's cell phone. Just tell me the time and I'll have her turn it on. Good idea? I'd rather hear your voice.

I have this feeling that you've just let it go. If so please tell me. I'd rather deal with that if need be then sit and wonder. If that's not the case and I'm just thinking too much, slap me around a little. Write me something. Any thoughts on changing your ticket? I'd like to spend some quality time with you. I can take time off. Just give me the dates. I'm trying to get my writing done now so that if you do come back I'm ahead of the game and can be with you.

I wish you were here...

Cush

A little cheesy, but I've always found this one inspiring:

Out of clutter, find Simplicity.

From discord, find Harmony.

In the middle of difficulty lies Opportunity.

- Albert Einstein

what do i do with that? where am i? what am i doing here?