2001-07-07 - 8:41 p.m.

written on the plane ride back....

i'm feeling it today. its passing through me like waves and filling me suddly with a swamp of soft leather emotion. i love life. i'll never stop fighting in my small ways to make it all better. i am prowd of the woman pilot on my flight and i will be sure to tell her so. just so she knows that she has sisters standing behind her as i know she's one in a hundred of men in her field. i want her to know she doesn't fly alone.

i had a better family reunion trip than i thought i would. we were in sunriver portland. i felt the dry, stale, sedentary air, saw moss bright tangerine green, the color of some asian neon signs in LA. i saw tall ancient trees and rushig water fallin over rocks reminding me of the power and energy around all of us.

(pls hold a lovely lady is explaining ailine safety with her pretty hand motions dancing over airmask demo's like Vanna herself).

resume.

i had a nice time w/ my extended family of 56. yes 56. its such an organic, creative and diverse family. i arrived to find my cousin closest to me engaged to be married and her hot fiance was there. that blew me over. they are a young, vibrant, happy couple seemingly ready for a 'lifelong' partnership. she with sildy short blond hair a roud loveable face and bright blues, he handsome stylish, musician, sensitive guy from hippy home in seattle. i think i need to move out of LA- the land of the false and fantsy. seeing them amde wonder about my blief that i'll find it to. and here i am alone. alone. but i know that i'm in a time i'll cherish forevwer. purely seflish, unaccountable, unabashedly free.

tootsie bowl free. go twinkle yer toes. seeing them open shower gifts i couldn't help but think of my x and how happy we were and how if i sat in her chair i will couldn't feel ready and i might hypervenillate and sneek my dad into the bathroom and sob and tell him how i couldn't go throuth t with'it'. but someday i swear i will. i want aching love, flippage of the hear, mini ng conversation, partnership, giggles, sustenance, corage.

we went on a fam bike ride in waterfalls i plunged in and got an incredible high. i was the only woman at first to try any of the plunging. i grabbed my dads hand and we charged behind a waterfall and i told him i loved him. i also had a nice moment sharing my addiction sotyr w/ a cousin who needs it. i saw her listen with a bowed head of knowing. i also played with my goregous cousin i had always been threatened by. how liberation to just bask in her beauty and celebrate. i love her always.

in a day, 5am. i'll be in korea, then bangkok. i'm a lill nerved. just had some tears as i hugged the two men of my life, my brother and dad. cuz there is always that feeling that i may not see them again. everyone else is feeling that about me too, cuz they know i'm anything but tame and your damn straight i'll head off the tourist plastic path and into the thick of it.

come along tickle toes....