2001-06-30 - 1:26 p.m.

dewy. quiet. suddle. removed. i'm in a wierd pre travel space. i just read about the vietnam war. it sounded horrific. i've done a lot of studies on ww2. why war? our generation is so removed.

i'm feeling really sad. sad without a name. maybe becuz i'm leaving my deep roots, my schedule, my beach, my two black cats.

i'm also very excited.

i had a great time with my cousin. i took her out. we socialized. to a beach bar fundraiser for beach cleanups. i met a meat head type guy that has a great personality, he has a sterling dynamic personality. he has passion for life beaming from him. this is what i'm interested in. we went to two posh bars, met people out, i got her into a club. she thinks i am the best human being in the whole wide world. i had a great time with her.

i've noticed since my housecleaning of my friendships, that i've attracted people with more deepth. i'm enjoying it so much. this new me emerging ever so softly. quietly and firmly.

there is a secret that you must be utterly silent about. except be vocal when i come back to LA in two months and back down from this secret.

i want to act. shhh. i can't believe i said it for others to see. i'm so ashamed. i judge it. but i watch goldies life and how she's a very working actress and how my nose tickles when i think of trying it. i think that i owe it to myself. i can't grow older and not have tried it. i used to act in highschool. then i moved to la and dropped it cuz everyone does it here and its so sick and cookie cutter and bland. it's so hair gel and tanning beds. i want it not for any idea of fame, but for the craft of pretending to be someone else with new creative ways to adapt a character and draw from emotions to portray something that others will recognize and understand and push them to think. i'm so scared. i just figure that i live once. i figure that i'm free from constraints now and i'm on a roll with taking risks.

i can come home after the travels and take a bill paying job like a legal secretary and start finding an agent and take classes. also i want to start a small bizness and pitch some idea's.

some one said that happiness during your days is what counts and that you can fail in a # of things till your 30. and i have five years to try things and fail.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I IN SUCH A BIG RUSH ..

to have a title and responsibility and a fast car...

it all seems so fluid now. freeing. i'm not attached to things at the moment.

right now i'm sad also about vietnam. about the senseless slaughtering of life.

i visited my family in sd. i realized the gift of being present, enjoying this imperfect, beautiful family i have. my grandma,, instead of lambasting me for going to travel, gave me some money. everyone seemed prowd and excited and they seemed to trust me. which is wierd. i kept wanting someone to doubt me, question me, instill fear. and it didn't happen. this is what sobriety brings. i will never forget the smell of my grandma and the bear hug i gave her as i sunk my head into her shrinking body. i won't forget staring into my grandpa's eyes and holding his hand. his smell. it may be the last. we never know. they are past 80 with an assortment of diseases. they've always been a part of my life. consistently.

this guy in a mtg spoke of not being able to spend enough sober time with his father b4 he died. it made me think of this family reunion and the time i will spend with my dad. how i've been given this new opportunity and how lucky i am.

how nothing in my life is as i thought it would be..and how it is so suddely perfect right now. so unexpected. so clean on the inside. so opposite from all the things i thought i needed.

my adorable lill cousin who is 3yrs old finally took to me. she would just plop over and drop various items of hers in my lap. she said i was magic. i'm going with that.

tip of the day. take a deep breath and think for a moment of a few things that you are grateful for.