2001-06-25 - 10:34 p.m.

i'm busy and borred at the same time. i've got a nautious nervous excited energy on spin cycle in my pour stomach.

and my ass doesn't feel so hot either.

today i braved 5 whole shots (for traveling), two in the arm and three in the arse. i just imagined myself climbing up a steep wave as the male nurse stuck it to me. climbing up steep waves used to terrify me, now i actually talk to them, ei 'come on, give it to me, bring it on'.

i know...'normal'.

i was really calm through all the shots. i took it like i was in some deep meditation. shortly after the 5 insertions of very long needles, i couldn't kid myself anymore and i went white and almost passed out.

i have waves of pure exhiliration and utter doubt that i'm actually going on this two month adventure. i feel like it won't really happen. i also am having some anxiety over it. becuz i'm flying into bangkok and i don't have ANY itinerary from there. like i don't know if i'll train to northern thailand or fly to sumatra or go to vietnam or what. i have no plans. except to be in bali in august. and that is exciting and extremely overwhelming for this routinized, comfortable, controlish type A feline. everybody seems to think this is such a big deal, so i'm wearing some of their fear now in my stomach. which, being a recovered bulemic, is where all my anxiety resides. iknow i'm riding the edge of wack when my tummy is nautious. my body tells me what i ignore. sometimes it screams.

something i've noticed tho in all this drama as of late...that i've actually been non-dramatic and fairly calm through it all. and this is fuckin revolutionary. new. brand new. this is serenity and trust.

i had the talk with my friend who has breast cancer, i told her i'm nervous and wanted to know if she'll get sicker while i'm gone. she said no, i made her promise. she said she was really glad that i came out and asked. that others have been afraid and have bungled the whole deal.

that conversation was on the way back from the surf. on the way there i was getting annoyed with her because she was picked the skin off her feet on the dash of my borrowed car. it started to sicken me. i realize that this is so becuz it's a fast reminder of the reality of life. the mortality of us all. most people love to linger in the light, whipped cream world of materialism and painted nails and perfection. idea's of anything less so, reminds us of a reality unbearable.

at least i recognize my human reaction. my instinct to pull away, stay walled up. she challenges my ability to STAY. to have intimacy with someone who isn't so 'pretty' right now with her bald head and peeling skin. to have intimacy with someone that i know will break my heart and leave me. to let someone who is human be in. stay in when it gets tough. someone who doesn't need me (cuz that's more comfy for me), but just is with me. i'm angry actually. i want to push away and get grossed out cuz i don't want to feel this. i don't want to hear her lessons cuz they are so real and true and intimate. and i'm just not really in any mood to loose anyone.

a friend i really look up to, blondie, said that her heart has been broken in every way possible. so nothing can shake her. and i admire her cuz after all that she's been through her heart does stay open and her spirit burns so bright that i can get warm just being near her. i feel like eventually every way that my heart can be broken will. it's just life as a sensitive woman awake to it all. blondie is the one mtg me in bali for that part of the trip. were going to surf together. the only two people i can travel with are ripe and blondie. short list.

i saw the 60 minutes show on aids. on the fact that the cocktails are only temporary and they actually loose their effectiveness and create a daily need to have them forever. i just want to remind everyone i love to use condoms. and that includes everyone that reads me. pls. i care. i care that you live a long and happy life. i'm not always perfect at the condom-nation, slippin it on be4 we slip it in, but i'm getting better.

in other news...that hot lill morsel and i are surfing this week. he's the actor model babe from mid america. totally corruptable. what is annoying is that i'm sure i'm a better surfer than him and i don't think i can take watching him suck. i'll be embarrassed for him. i wish he'd just take me to sushi and kiss me instead. but i'm more open to a surf date and a friend. my energy is off kilter in terms of hooking up the candy. i think it's cuz i'm leaving and staying focused on my page. the universe seems to be sayin, no sweety, your lessons are on the inside, quit lookin around. just settle into yourself. it's there you'll find me.

my lill cousin, who i mentor (14 yrs old) and is one of the most important things to me, may be coming for a visit this week! i can't wait. i'll take her to malibu to pick up on lill critters. i love her. when i'm with her i'm filled with value and a love that can only come from giving unconditionally in a way that i never got, but now know i can give. it's amazing. it is reason enough to stay sober. i never had someone like me to tell things to, to feel safe asking questions and to cry to when it all just hurt. i spent my life just trying to survive. but now i know how to be this rock to her. this totally imperfect example. the best moment i can say i've had is on the couch, quietly holding her, letting her know that its possible. we don't really come from the most affectionate family and her walls were thrown up so early in life. it took me ten years to get in past her wall. her dad left at the age of two.

ripe and i are having a bi bi (bye bye) bbq for me at her house. i'm excited cuz i'm feeling really mello about it. usually if i throw something i tell everyone, worry that tons of people show up etc, but right now everything in my life is beautifully simple. i'll enjoy the several people who can show up and that is enough.

i can barely sit, me bum hurts so bad. and i hate to admit it but i miss my 'x'. in a wierd, 'i don't want you back, but i desperately miss the essence of you' way. he traveled all over where i'm going and i want to call and share it with him. but i've kept it clean. he decided not to have us share our lives and i want to respect myself enough to give myself as a gift only to those who really want it.

stinky called me from bejing tonight. i told him that our friendship is really important to me and that i hope he can keep it clean. i really have a strange appreciation for that one.

*okay* now i'm done.