2001-06-17 - 8:25 p.m.

now i'm just dancing around in my skivvies.

my apartment looks great and i feel like it's the last thing that hasn't been stripped from me.

my minimalist apartment, blocks from the beach, filled with my photography, red gerbers, two black cats and utter "lukeness".

i went camping this weekend. i and a pal organized 17 women to rough it north of malibu and get a little gritty. it brought out the most masculine in me, being around a bunch of ladies and me the most tough scoundral there. debugging tents for frightened kittens. carrying heavy things to and fro. surfing like a rockstar. And it�s funny cuz if you saw me, you�d never know these balls reside in my pants. I believe I look quiet feminine. I don�t know, ask ripe.

Last night I ditched my tent and slept under millions of stars, with the sounds of strange birds and crashing light waves. Everyone thought I was crazy for sleeping outside, but that is where I felt most safe, most coveted. I used to do that a lot in highschool in Colorado.

i loved the surfing. i really am seeing my hard work in the cold waters of winter start to pay off. i'm getting so much better. i surfed right up with the best of the boys at this break where the right take off point is right by these body bending rocks. i was daring enough to get right into this position and catch fab rides like a fat Cadillac. i realized that i've grown. Spiritually, out in mama waters. that i used to shake with fear every time i went wading in the waters. this time i felt exhilarated to paddle harder than any man out there to get in the prime spot even if it meant getting smashed on the rocks. this must sound silly, but its a big deal that i've lost some fear and replaced it with a sense of adventure, confidence and a slice of nutso-ness.

the finkers i know existed inside is coming back.

with a subtly that may just mean staying power.

i feel like i'm truly coming to the center of myself. the true self that i had NO notion existed.

i'm being unveiled, undressed. and nudity feels. naked and bare. and a bit alone. and challenging to be okay in that subtle, soft, quiet, roaring place.

i just have a craving to enjoy my company with another. but i don't like anyone. the one i sleep with might come by, but he annoys me. it's like, do i need sex bad enough to be annoyed? or should i just be solid alone tonight?

and here's the thing i'm thinking...why have i been sooo enamored with lill candy coated kittens. There was the one at that wild weird hotel party who had jet black hair and a longer face, thin body flirting out of a leather cut up designer dress. I know she smiled to me in a very special way and I considered asking to take her out to dinner. Then I considered me car situation and thought I�d feel like a looser. How can a �straight� girl attempting to pick up on potentially straight women handle the rejection?

Then at this camp trip I found this one girl to be just delicious in the most sorority, naughty girl way. She is in advertising, thin, sexy body, simple, nice face, utterly corruptible. And I just wanted to flirt and tease and slip off with her and have accidental things happen. Like kiss her neck and go in furiously on her kiss, run my fingers through her hair and let my hands slide down her body, all over her light curves and onto her butt. I�d like to kiss her flat stomach and tease her into a frenzy and then decide what to do from there. There was this other woman at the trip, a bit like the first only, older, more sophisticated and I love her solid personality. I can�t tell if I want to date her, or be just admire her as a friend. It�s just someone I want to be around.

But here�s the trick. I genuinely like men. I don�t always like their thinking, but I love the spasms created between the two magnets. I dated a woman and it was like having two of the same. I like men�s bodies. But I�m wondering now if I just got so hurt with the �x� that I am now wanting the safe, soft curves of a woman. The sensitivity and lusciousness of them. The way I get to feel wrong and dangerous.

But I can�t ever imagine acting on it cuz I�m afraid to scare or get rejected by a straight girl. And those are the ones I�m typically attracted to. I don�t meet many lipstick pretty lesbians.

And what does this make Me? People seem to hate this in between state, both gays and straights seem to judge it. Want to push me over into one category or the next. Is she in the closet? Whatever babies, I just like BOTH.

And right now I want to kiss a woman that I find attractive, badly. I want to hold her all night and protect her and make pancakes for her and trace the lines of her face and tell her she can do anything.

Maybe this is what I want to do with myself. Love myself in this sensual, vulnerable way.

So I sold my car in a day. I�m carless. and I�m feeling really free. I�m feeling rebellious and spontaneous. Like I want to fuck it all, get a ticket to Thailand and teach English or travel, backpack. I have the car money. I hate my job. And I definitely am going to quit!!! I can�t live like this this whole summer. It�s insane. Nutty 18 hour days, working weekends, for shitty money. I like the people, but I�ll end up hating them and everyone if I stay in this job.

I�m scared.

I don�t want to stay in a job out of fear. This is why I took the job, out of fear. I have the money to live off a lill while, so I�m going to quit in one-two weeks and then I�m finding a job I like, or at least something that has normal hours, so I can surf this summer, or fuck it, I�m liquidizing and traveling. I�ll try to sublet my apartment and go. Then worry about it all much later.

Trust it all.

Cuz why not?

Now is the time.

There is a reason for it all. Those things shedding off of me. Pieces I wanted to believe were me. Now I know. I�m getting closer and it feels too quiet, but delicious.

It�s like a beautiful thunderstorm.