2001-06-11 - 9:34 a.m.

i'm drowning in the waters of life.

okay, i'm not drowning. but i'm god damn water logged.

*deep breath aching with sadness*

turns out the news on my car is worse than expected.

much fucking worse.

the worst it could POSSIBLY BE.

the engine seazed, it would have to be rebuilt. that would cost UPWARDS of 10g's or more. or more more more.

and then the 4 cyclinder tonka toy i'd have to rent.

so i'm looking at salvaging out a car that i COULD OF sold for more than i fucking bought it for. i'm also looking into buying a used engine, get it running and then sell it and get out. but i'm not sure i can even afford this.

1987 carrera coupe 911, black exterior, moon roof, champagne leather interior, 6 cyclinder, tightest turns you'll ever know, front body work that looks like a bullet and makes me feel strong and creamy, shot gun racing-shaming those silly beemers to hell in a handbag, prowd surf racks on top to let everyone know i'm down to earth too, sticky racing wheels, cuped seats to hold your ass as you open the baby up on the curvy roads on the canyons. speed, freedom, expression, empowerment that i may never see in a long long time. i committed to this car becuz it may be the only time i don't have child seats, and real responsibility. it was my vice. speed. my great grandfather raced in the indy 500's in the 40's. it's in my blood.

and i'm the worlds most unrealistic person.

stubborn.

now i'm broke over this car and i'll be paying off a loan for a car i no longer own.

but does that stop me from dreaming vintage? hell no. i'm talking MGA. MGB at the least. 1971 Triumph TR6. 1968 Jaguar. 1954 Corvette.

what am i going to do? i've considered paying a mechanic to give me private lessons on how to fix my car. restoration. i'd love to restore my own car. ?in my FREE time?

rrriiggghhhhttt.

sleep with a mechanic? i've considered it. i've considered paying a woman to sleep with him, so he'll fix my car.

i got some action last night, which relaxed the whole situation.

although i'm still smitten for a little garaged kitten, i now am learning one spiritual lesson for sure.

i am not my car.. i don't not get long term security from things. any 'things' outside myself can leave, break, die, be suddenly taken. if i find it on the inside, somewhere, somehow....then i think i've got the WHOLE POINT to this short adventure.

and if i truely get that lesson inside. then fine baby.

take it all. take the man i loved fiercely, take the car i adored, take the job. it's all been taken now and it'll all be worth it if i get that one simple, spiritual lesson on the inside.