2001-05-17 - 9:09 a.m.

I feel like this is the first spring I've ever noticed all the blooms. Either they are incredible becuz of the rain this year, or I've just opened my eyes more. The colors, the fullness falling over like falls of water. IT's amazing.

I cried a little on the way to work becuz I was thinking on the day after the 'x' broke up with me and my Dad was leaving to fly back home. He dropped me off at work to meet my pals there. They were anxiously waiting to hear how the BIG boyfriend mtg the dad weekend went. That morning my sadness woke me up at 5 a.m. I had never in my life experienced sadness that woke me and preventing me from eating. ever.

I called my dad to see if he was up. we had never really been connected before, this was a miracle for us. He was of course up, I went over to his hotel and he and I sat on the concrete sidewalk and let silence seep in and out of the sadness. Bebe, his woman, was great. So quiet and loving. She knew what to say. I saw her self on the inside and I liked the strong woman that resided there. I know she's been through a lot of heartache. My dad and I watched the morning. We talked about my grandpa (on my mom's side) who was in the hospital. He was sad cuz grandpa was more of a dad to him than his own. Later that day he went on a surprise visit to the hospital in san diego. i love him for that.

My dad dropped me off, he met my friends. I walked up the stairs i first saw my friend ricki and i pulled him outside. i sobbed and sobbed. i told my bosslady. i cried, i knew that she knows me and that it was okay. i checked out at the computer all day in a void. everyone seemed to understand. ber said great things. laurie helped me to understand the meaning of it all. waterwoman made me laugh in between. i felt so safe to have brothers there. to have strong women.

i finally understood the strange perfection of the universe. cuz months b4 this i desperately wanted to leave the place and get a new job, but nothing availed. during those moments i was so grateful to have a safe place to feel.

more is always revealed. now i'm starting to understand that even the break is the best. that as i sob i can't even hate 'x' for breaking me inside. because i admire him for having the courage to break such strong love becuz we both new somewhere that it wasn't right. many people just stay. and i dont' know if i would of had the same courage.