2001-05-20 - 8:29 p.m.

friday night i went on a 'date' of sorts with a fella i met on an online match service. it was funny, doing this. there are a ton of good looking semi-normal men on there. okay some, not a ton.

he was much like the surf todya. from the shore, above, it looked great, but once i got into the water, it wasn't what it seemed.

he has all the goods that i like, handsome, well dressed, down to earth, father did the UN thing, mother is bi. but he just got jilted, so i think he is just out to get laid. and that bothered me a lot. because i wasn't firm enough with my boundaries, or respect for myself. now believe me i've come a looong way. but i wish i did even better. i didn't have sex with him, but i let him try with out me kicking him out. it was wierd, we snuggled like cups all night.

but here's the thing. i'm ramping up for the summer of some serious ass fun. (no sex, i barely have any interest in it. just compulsive kisses and snuggles). and sat night i got ripe to party hop three swareys with me. and i ran into an old flirt guy. i have always been w/ the 'x', so he and i just maintained a particular amount of tension. welll, last night at party number one, we flirted like mad and he had me laughing something fierce. he asked for my number and i can't wait for him to use it. i'm just having a blast with this dating again. FINALLY the old me is being unleashed. the play'a' play'a. and the fella who went out of the country emailed me. he's delicious. i love the suspence of having to wait for him to come back. if there is one thing i'm not, its patient. i wish wish wish i was.

see like friday night, i let that date go too long, into the morning. i wish i would'of ended it earlier. hopefully i'll get better at this.

at the second party i ran into a college friend and his adorable brother, there seemed to be interest, but as ripe said, they were like sweet farm boys. he didn't seal the deal or get the digits. they are the most cuteness j-crew type.

then at the 3rd party, there was this adorable baby fresh from seattle. she had an irresistable cuteness about her. kissably good.

ernie, vanessa and i started the big plan. i'll tell you bout that later. hopefully ripe will join us.

i have to work tonight from 11.30pm till 3am then again at 6.30 am till the end of the day, then i meet with a gallery owner and then have a pals b-day. ouch. red bull time.

i surfed with my friend - sponsor. i had some tough moments. she has cancer and its moved into her liver. she's on chemo again. she passes out. yet she demands to still surf. we were out there and she had a bloody nose, she gets them all the time. it's strange to be sitting next to someone that is seemingly dying. passsing away. me trying to capture some piece of the moment to remember. to make an imprint, realizing that she won't always be here with me. it makes me really sad to confront this. she won't talk about what the doctors say. i have no idea where she is really at, or how much time they speculate that she has. she said how important it is for her to have people like me and how proud she is of me, how she talks to other people about me all of the time. all these things she said, that i felt myself shutting out, shutting down, reacting like a robot on auto pilot with insta- response, like my lovely mom. because i didn't know how to have that intimacy. how to let her love me and say these things and then possibly be gone. how to say the right things back. how to not get emotional. how to...love and not hurt. on the flipside of all love is hurt. the 'x' used to say this and now i understand him all to well. he had been hurt. now i have been.