2001-05-06 - 10:20 p.m.

tip o' the night: sleep, eat and love well.

I'm feeling really happy. Content. Filled up. Okay being alone, enjoying those I'm around.

I actually missed Stinky today.

Catch up: lot's of periferal drama. Which includes, break ups, threats to beat someone up. etc. All things I'm trying to stay out of.

Fri. night crackasia and I went walking down from my house on a street of bars, restarants etc. We got coffee's and like two ol' black men on the stoop of a porch, we watched everyone drift on by, making comments on fools and life. It was just what I needed. First we went to this smooth lounge ala whitey west side. We pulled up to our table next to these two couples. Long blond haired women who sipped on champagne that drizzled with promiscuity and inticement. I was glad to see the couple get in an embarrassing fight at the table, just to remind me that things aren't as they always seem on the outside. So I didn't have to wish I was blond, with a man, and a glass of cool bubbles in my hand. Champagne headaches, nothin like em.

We saw a drunk Mexican man break some glass on the street, angry at a white man for disrespecting him. He scared me at first. Then he came right up to my crackasia and explained himself and appologized, He musta known she's Mexican, but she doesnt' look obviously like it. She was sad. She explained that Mex men get treated like such shit all the time and then they just don't know what to do with that anger. DRunken explosions, for days of nasty glares and people looking down at them. He said in spanish that we were two of the most beautiful women in the world and that he would do anything for the two of us that he could. Passing words, I usually snear and imagine that he's saying, hey nice ass.

Being Mexican. This is what I'm learning about. I grew up very white.

Sat mornin I tried an acting class which gassed me up something fierce (first time in 8 years!!). It was a method class so the first part was just like out of a movie. I was told to hold a vhs tape and concentrate on it for twenty minutes while one guy pretended to be an animal, one sat with closed eyes laughing like he's committed, another pretending to hold a piece of silk.

HUH?

Concentrate on the fucking tape? What about the fucking tape? I was devising plans on my escape, imaginary calls on the cell from the imaginary pal in the hospital....but i stuck it out. I was so damn damn nervous. Such to the point that I figured there was somthing there for me to explore and challenge myself with. See, turns out after an improv and watching the others, I think I like it. I used to do it, and do it well. I came to LA and never did it again. The hidden secret is that I think I might really love it. The hidden fear is that I would love it so m;uch that to discover this fact is to choose to live smoothering it away, or to be courageous enough to change my whole fuckin life for it. ; we'll see. There's some part that makes me ache. Feel like that is what I am destined to do. I hate that part. I want to cut it off. I want to stay where I'm at and make money.

There was this lill Bosnian baby who needed some luke lovin there. She, yes she, has the most amazing cut face, with green, crystalline eyes with a sharp black out line. But she wore too much makeup. We exchanged numbers, I think she's straight. I think I am too. Yes I've dated a woman b4. I'm just. I extend past definitions. Who I like is just who I like, man, woman, black, purple, white. rich, bankrupt. Why do I have to be fuckin defined! Why would some lesb women say I'm just a closeter? I just enjoy all beauty and beauty isn't just encapsulated within one sex. I like it all. I love all parts of life.

All these amazing parts. The way the sunlight hits the purple on my walks. The drive up the coaST to surf and the green hill, blanketed in the springtime yellows and popping oranges. It kills me. The bright bouganvilla. Crackasia and I had to stop in our tracks to examine this one naughty faded pink plant with a strong stem that stood up with just such a sense of being and belonging. I can look at a plant like I'm stoned, examining the intricacy. That is my sense of the spiritual. That there is this balance in life. This beauty and complexity that I don't understand, but get to enjoy. I can stare into it for many lost minutes. I can fall madly, hopelessly in love with it. Intoxication. Drunk. In love. Overwhelming. Filling. And it costs nothing, requires no one.

And here's a side note. the 'x', didn't get this part of me. THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF ME. as a companion in life, i need to have someone who gets this. he was a reflection of a piece of my life. a piece that wanted security, normalicy, surface level ness, prettiness, fashionableness. but for the companion i want truth. i guess life was protecting me from my own choices. i learned through him and the lesson is now done.

So this Bosnian gal. She tells me of a lesbian party she's goin to and it doesn't occur to me till later that she might of been slippin me a hint that she'd get on that swing set with me. hehe. yum yum super gal. I might want to take her out to dinner. Could I be bold enough to ask??? Then what? Do I kiss her? Do I front and just ask her out w/ my other friends? She's really attractive, but I can't kiss a gal with so much makeup. How dooo boys do it? She's like a midnight snack.

Sat night I was butt naked, tucked in when crackasia called and motivated me to go out. We danced till 3am. She was dancing with a pal of hers. So I flew solo. But it was nuts, cuz so many guys asked me to dance. One after another (and I'm not just getting my rocks off), it was wierd. Was it the low low cut shirt? The groove ms stella had? The brothers were all up into the luke lovin! One Philipino wouldn't take no, not when I lied about my boy friend, he said I don't think you heard me, all I want is a dance, yea fuck nut, I don't think your fuck nut head heard me, I said no. fuck no. Some white drunk fucker ran his hand up my leg onto me bum and I whipped around and saw red. "Don't you fuckin touch me, you f.in ....u fuckin touch me or say anything I'll have you throw outta here so fast you'll...." I don't believe in sending the message to men the scumming is acceptable.

I saw someone, looked like the 'x'. freeked, imagining what the day would be like that i look over and see HIM dancing with another her. what she would look like, how I might feel about her curves, her clothes, her eyes and the color of her hair. how i might feel better than or not good enough. long ago i saw another 'x' at this very club. i lived through it. then i got a more important 'x'.

but that moment.

that's the one where my heart literally stops and i start to shake and not know what to do, but to cry. the only saving grace of a moment like that, for me, is to memorize what it feels like. w/ all my five senses. to use it in my art later. to know this range of emotion. to have lived through yet another faculty of humanity.

I love to dance.

I close my eyes when I dance. I loose myself. I come home.

I come to the center of myself and seduce me. Giggle, tickle. Believe. Sink in.

It's one of the few times I get to forget. Get lost. get drunk inside myself.

I'm protective of that place, I always insist on flying solo. I also did some of my stellar robot moves. I figure I'm white and crackaisa is a dancer, so I'll dollup my best whitey moves and break it downnnn.

Today crackaisa and I surfed. Well I surfed, she...I can't even explain, but I've never laughed so hard. it was her first time and she kept falling off the board, just while we were sitting still, not even moving. I was gassing. She almost took someone out, the 9 foot board shot up 4 feet. hehehe. I'm dying. It was so funny. I'm not a great teacher cuz I can't stop laughing at the tom foolery. Laughter is great. I need laughter.

I went to ripes bbq, saw old work fools. Ate a veggitarian shit thing and drooled over this amazing meat dish. It was great to see ripe and give her a hug.

But here's the thing. I went back out on the board after I was done teaching crackhead to surf and it was really overcast, but this burst of sun broke threw and it felt like it was bathing me. It felt deeply meditative, rocking gently like a cradle, covered in light, deep breaths. I can't explain the feeling, but it's like a suddle low vibration. a sensation trickling all the way through my body. it is one of the things that makes me so fuckin greatful for my silly little life and all that fills it. so overwhelmed with the intense feeling. so grateful. so glad that i have stayed sober to feel it. I love just sitting on my couch on sundays, music lulling me into relaxation, late day sun shining past bright green leaves, cats calm, everything is right with the world. why doncha gbook me and tell me how your world is today....