2001-05-03 - 4:31 p.m.

tip o the day: get your cat spayed or nuetered - bob barker and his barker babes.

I get the giggles that I am the money person at work on this job! ME, the responsible, money person!! Life is really fucking with me on this one. The Universe is sayin, let's just see how big a sense of humor the gal can have.

Thanks for the gbook concerns about the job, it's nice to know that I have cheerleaders. Sometimes I don't want to be compassionate, I just want one person to say with girth 'your right! they are assholes!!'. I'm staying with this project, cuz it's only till October and {besides the lunch factor, which you'll hear me bitch about all summer} I'm feeling happier here now.

I'm feeling much better about my sobriety. I shared about it again with other sober pals at lunch and I'm just getting 'it'. Don't know what 'it' is, but I figure it must be big and I must be getting it.

I've haven't eaten meat today. I feel like I want a ribbon each day!!! For this carnivorous babe, it's a fuckin feat, each damn day.

I think I'm in some hallway of life and I feel like I'm being so patient. I think I'm afraid of the biggness of life. I've wanted that retreat into the warm blanket, regression, protection.

I feel like if I just wait it out and not sabotage and drink, I may get some big lesson. Some prize on the inside. And I'LL GET to safely travel to SE Asia. If I were off the hoook drinking, there are no gaurentee's. I'm so sad that my sponsor has breast cancer, and it's in her bones and liver. She said she got the bad news, after many try's at chemo. But she's still positive, still believes life is so worth it. If she can, I can. I was looking across from her, knowing, realizing that I'm looking across at a beautiful woman's body who is dying in front of me. That she won't always be there. That I desperately want to drink up her words and burn them intto my memory for the time she isn't her to ask my questions to.

My boss is this funny guy, with light blue jeans pulled up to the umph able mark on his hips. He's really nice, just not so tres chic. Besides the laugher, I like the people I work with now. But as usual I'm the hippest person on the block.

*sigh*

What a weight to bear once more!

with love, luke