2001-05-02 - 10:26 p.m.

i'm fresh outta tips.

i'm in ONE hell of'a space. i'm really thinking about needing to try drinking normally again. i'm starting to try to talk my way into it again. thinking i owe it to myself. i owe it to myself to really really try to balance it. to see if i could make it work. cuz i know to be sober i have to fully admit i have a problem and have no reservations about that. this all really scares me. here's why...

read in a last entry about my relapse and you'll get why i'm afraid that if i start to drink again, it'll all feel so dark again. i'm afraid i'lll come home depressed and super lonely again. i never feel THAT kind of lonliness sober. i'm afraid i'll loose all the great stuff i have. i'm afraid i'll drink or coke away my vacation money. i'm scared i'll loose my friends, my support and my serenity. i'm afraid that i'll loose my car. i am afraid that i won't make it back, i won't come back to sobriety knowing anymore information, i'll just have to start OVER AGAIN!!! i'm afraid of loosing the self confidence i feel about myself again, afraid of drunk calling the 'x' (which is a gaurentee), i'm afraid of drunk sleeping with men i don't know, i'm afraid of the completely out of it driving i do when i drink and do drugs. i'm afraid i'll have a prob, but i'll balance it just long enough to let ALL of my life pass me by, just like daddy. i'm afraid i'll loose this beautiful connection i have to life, this feeling of meaning, the awe, the sighs, the love.

my friend who used to be sober w/ me & isn't anymore, had a bday tonight and i went. i saw her inebriated. i saw her lost to the world, and happy. i am jealous.

i am sooo angry that this thing of enjoying my drinking has been taking from me so early. i'm so angry that my life is about choosing to be so god damn present all the time! i saw my pals sister who is like i used to be, she's blond sorority like, wine in hand, happily gone. i loved that warm, goneness. but there is something that when i drink i kill off the most precious parts of me and yet why the fuck do i want to drink so bad right now? i just want to drink. i just want happy intoxication. i just want that lost feeling, the forgettfulness. why is it that the one fuckin thing i sooo desperately want right now is thing i think, and am told, will kill me? not just me physically, which the way i did drugs could happen, but kill the me, the part that is so alive today. why am i going thro such strong, tenacious withdrawals over two fuckin years later???

i don't relate to much said about having one and having absolutely no control for stopping, but i strongly related today when my sponsor described how at the bar she'd want, need another. i know that feeling of absolute need for another. thoughts of it, thinking, if i feel this good now, more is much better. that feeling. i know that feeling of need.

all these buzzed/drunk girls looked like had such fun tonight. they looked like they belonged. like they were comfortable, in some society i'm lost to. they go to vegas and have an amazing time. i cornered my friend and asked how her drinking has been since she's not sober anymore...she said it's honestly been a lot of fun and pretty much in control. she got sober at 19 and was in a serious relationship, so now she's been wild and having a blast that she never had. i can't claim that. i had those wild college years of naively ripping it up. but now that i know who i am, an alcoholic, i don't think i could ever ever go back to that carefree drinking. and man did i look at those carefree girls tonight and envy it soooo much. i just don't fuckin get why my fun is ruined so early!!!

i'm afraid to drink cuz i love the sober women in my life and i'd be so afraid to loose them. i don't want to for silly reasons, like i'm the one organizing a sober women's surf camp trip and damn i want to go on it! also, cuz i'd be afraid to drink and go on my travels through south east asia. i don't know if i could trust myself. plus i want to really enjoy that and not be sad, depressed and drunk through it. i did that while i studied abroad and never want to do that again. i went from city to city, lost and utterly alone, at that point refusing to be around much people, throwing up in the day and drinking at night. just generally depressed. and i'm doing this creativity workshop i don't want to stop w/ another sober woman and i know i would be too shameful to show up.

anddd... i don't want to tell people that i relapsed again. i don't want to have those conversations with those i loved. last time i did that, i just lied to everyone and stopped answering the phone, but for the dealer and drinking pals. i couldn't tell them i'm trying it again after i had such a problem becoming so lost to the world, drinking every day, developing a small coke habit and then having to go to rehab. i would have to tell my family and listen for their disappointment and worry for mylife and wonder about how i'm really doing. i'd have to tell my sober friends and they might judge and wonder what i did wrong and talk aobut how i might be dead soon. i'd have to invent new drinking friends that are shallow and pointless, after knowing true, deep, real conversations about feelings, and life. i wouldn't want my grandma to know. i wonder if ripe would be my friend? sure i'm friends w/ the girl who replased, but it's so different, that now i barely hang out w/ her. i don't want lill cousin to know and follow my lead. i don't want the 'x' to find out cuz i have so much pride.

but how?

how will i possibly stay sober? how will i stay satisfied with this little club, with its drama's and strangeness? i feel like if i'm going to screw it up, i should do it now, while i don't have kids. and do i really know and understand that i have a problem, do i know it enough to keep me sober?

and why? why am i having such strong damn cravings?

and i think that i might know inside already. i think i don't really truely need to drink to know that i have a problem with it. i jsut wnat to drink again. i want softness, seperateness. i don't want to be a sensitive artist anymore with too many feelings, responsibilities, issues and a big conscious. i think what it is really, is that i'm very angry. i'm so angry that it's over. that i've chosen what feels like this fuckin bogus path and that to go back would be the darkest day of all. and that maybe, maybe i'm just that afraid of life, and the chance that's been shown to me to experience the brightest light. i'm afraid of participating, failing and succeeding.

i just want to live through it inebriated.