2001-05-01 - 8:38 p.m.

tip o' the day: read the early entry of the day.

becuz i'm in a stinky cheese mood.

i turned sullen, like curddled milk, about 11am when the loud laugher peee-on gave me a callsheet and listed me as having a much lower title than i have. she put me below her. WHAT? this enflamed my precious ego into a place of pulsating red madness. i gave it back to her and told her my title and told her to make new ones. she did with the new title, but left me in the old order. i feel like gettin involved and telling her this and that. how do hard asses do it? i've been bitched out by hard asses. i don't respect them or like them, but i also don't cross them.

it really put me in a sour mood. then i went for lunch and tried to do a photo field trip. (my off is out in the middle of a hot no where). there was nothing to snap pix of, save rows of cookie cutter homes too large to heat. these things make me sad. my vintage black car was 100 degree's and i was steaming. i went to target of all places to see what's in their home section. target=america gone mad. i like mom's and pop's. i saw bad bleached blonds and frizzy light brown haired women. mothers with no where to go during the hot day but target. i wanted a veggie pizza at the built in fast food plant, they only had supreme. damn, it's fucking impossible to be a vegge head in this god for sakin small shit town with only piss as chains and fast foods. i'm not a stay in and bring your lunch type of gal. i like to lunch, have lunch dates, eat sushi. i want to cry, but it's stuck back in my throat past the extra sharp gouda i had for dinner. yes i just had the gouda. for me a whole block of fine cheese is dinner.

i'm feeling.

i'm feeling sad. okay, now i'm crying. something inside really hurts. all day, a dull pang. i feel like it wasn't right somehow for me to take this job. and now i feel like i can't get out. i can't deal with 100 degree's, no lunches ALL FUCKIN SUMMER.

and i keep thinking, i should be grateful that i work in a somewhat creative environment and that i'm not doing repetitive shit i hate. i should be glad to be in entertainment, and no longer as a complete pee-on. i should be glad to be in 'tv'. i should be looking forward to the shoots. but i'm feeling extremely indifferent and borred to fuckin death. i'm feeling apprehensive about my new 'co-workers' and i'm feeling down on myself that i'm not approaching this with a positive, fun attitude.

i can't imagine who is reading this. i actually never think about it. and i don't think about what it means to u, or what your thoughts are of my insanity.

maybe i'm also still letting the sewar of feelings seep out about the 'x' and how i might have supressed it and now it's still apperant.

i'm feeling sad, cuz i'm not acting out with boys or girls. i'm just sitting, feeling.

i had another offer to interview for a job that i like more, but it doesn't start for another few weeks and i couldn't just up and leave the one i'm on. ... or could i? i feel like if i know i'm going to leave, that i should do it asap, so they could get someone else. i feel like i've committed to this and i should stick with it and just get enthused about it and make it the best..

why am i having so many feelings today? why'd i let that woman make me so small? why'd i let her effect me so? why do i care? i picture truly great people to know inside fully who they are, and not have to prove it, affirm it, state their title. they know their power and barely have to ascert it or state it. i respect people who don't have to talk a lot about how big they are.

i feel like i need to deside about this job, about my career, about life. i got an imp. contact referral for the job i want to move into. so at least i know i'm always making steps into that direction. i just have this nerotic voice inside that says none of it's good enough and that i'm getting so old (25) and letting it pass me and that others are passing me in the career area and that i should be doing more. i have a thousand pound weight on my cheast.

at least tonight i haven't thought of drinking. of plowing myself into oblivion. today i wanted to drive away from the job and never look back. but in the morning i brought in my budding everst tree in a milk bottle, to plant myself there somehow.

thx for bearing through this entry. so sue me i spell like shit, at least i'm a nice person. read the last one today if you want anything delicious.

cheers, l