2001-05-01 - 11:00 a.m.

tip o' the day: try to love all people like a dog, unconditionally. Ever notice how doogles lick perfect strangers, no matter if they smell are homeless or are the color of purple. They love. I wish I could love in the same way.

This woman I met 15 ago at work, just told me over crunking on her homemade choco-chip cookies about her nightmare of some man breaking into her place and raping her. I just met her. People in production are a real special attention needing breed, who are typically too afraid to be attention needing actors. Nice woman tho. I get it, I have visions of the same thing happening.

last night I walked in my apartmt 12.30am imagining someone there, who would sufficate me in my plastic, moldy shower curtain and take my power. Fill me with fear and rape me raw. And I imagined the women who really do go through with this and I am baffeled at how they get healed at all! HOW? My heart bleeds and burns for them.

Why'd I come home at 12.30 on a 'school night' (ex. of my perpetual denial of adulthood). Cuz the boys and girls were tossleing on the playground till on were hot, horny and riding on the brink or explosion. The cast of characters: Crackasia, Lizard, my new surf guy friend, a goofy spiky haired goodguy, a guy just outta prison with seven days clean who laughs like a teddy bear you want to hug and love forever and kinda protect, a guy with a black eye and a guy with a puppy in a cast who had sharp edges carved into his wooden ex-gangster venice skin who had veins of hurt that ran deep. Over our 50's diner food, we played spin the bottle- truth and dare! Crackasia picked up on the waitress on a dare, I found out one guy loves to lick women's butt holes. When asked who my surfbuddy would start with in a night and who he'd end with (of the girls, to put us in order), he replied that he'd start with me and end there!!

youzer.

It turned me on, even tho I don't normally find him so attractive. I did make me want some late night.

Then crackasia gave Lizard and I a peck on the lips and cracka disclosed that she'd like to have me on the weekend. Okay I already knew that. But I don't find attraction for female friends. And the kiss did nothing for me, but get my lips wet.

The one guy who was a venice guy with the puppy told narli stories of being hung upside down, while a woman took a long shower and then blew him off. Then how his woman was cheating on him and he was too doped up to do anything about it but listen to the moans, slapping of skin and the rocking of the bed.

I shared about my wanting to drink again. I felt better, people talked to me. I realized that it is so likely that I'd go back to a very dark place.

I don't want my light out. I have finally refound it.

cheers,

l

ps thx ripe for the gbook entry. your great. words can't describe how much i want you to succeed and continue to channel that compassion and talent into progress and creativity. often those who have to inebriate the most are the most vunerable to life, the most sensitive, creative and insane. you are the woman. i hope you turn the dimmer up.