2001-04-30 - 3:05 p.m.

tip o' the day: (so this one'll be super chee-zzee and really sat. night live-sque...) look in the mirror today and say to urself,

"I love you, I won't abandon you, and I forgive you".

Okay so sue me, I'm a lill' self helpy. Try it and tell me if you don't feel better.

I started my new project today. I have an office. All the other yahoo's have cube's. Wow I graduated to an office. I'm getting resentful at this kind of 'ur life is ours' work. They are talking about doing shoots on the weekends too. arrrg! Hot damn no, that is my vital time! I don't doooo weekends.

Lemme break it down for you, cuz if I stay here, I'm sure u'll be hearing a lot about this staff. First thing in the conference room mtg this producer announces that he's gay. Glad we got that out cuz it's as emminent as the aftersex glow and I thought he may be one of those, fem straight guys who can't figure it out and just admit their gay. Then there's this one woman who has the loudest, longest laughter I've EVER experienced in my life. At first I thought, damn there are some jokes I'm just not getting, cuz she laughs so much. But now I realize, she laughs at everything, earth shattering, verging on offensive laughter. It makes my otherwise child's heart tighten and brace up for her earthquakes. I know she's a candidate for a resentment. Not to mention she has a lower position and I'm sure she'll take offense to anything I ask her to do as I'm sure were the same age. I'm not sure I'm good at managing people. The offices are in the middle of fucking no where and I had chicken for lunch.

I hadn't eaten meat till this point. I'm easing myself off it. I'll probably not have beef at all, but I'll ease myself off chicken and try to only have free range. (cuz I know ripe is wondering).

Speaking of...

I'm trying to tell her not to relapse and I'm standing on my tips toes on the tightrope of alcoholism. Mainly, I desperately want to drink. I want to fucking bathe in liquor and this morning I wrote in my morning pages, why I absolutely should do it. I'm starting to salivate at the sight of it. normally, i'm so in life and happy, that i don't notice. Now, I'm more and more talking myself into it. (Ripes ear's are now perking, and I'm sure I'll get a g-book entry or a call). I just am feeling like I genuinely don't know if I can't balance it. Now, the issue is that I had a year of sobriety and then relapsed and now have 2+ years.

Lemme paint you a pix of my relapse....

Drinking everynight, shaking just a penny the next morning, drinking earlier in the day, never trying to slow down or stop or balance. hell, why would i do that? I was go for broke, cuz i knew I'd have to get back on the wagon. I started to ski down mountains of white coke, I'd lie, steal, whatever for it. I felt like a piece of shit, I'd drive out of my mind to an 'x's and cause all sorts of drama and hardly remember it. I started sleeping with the music industry dealer so i could 'get enough'. it never felt enough. ever. i just wanted to lock myself in the apartment and drink till i was done with it. I brought home a fella i didn't know...and on and on. I was sad. so sad, in such a thick of darkness. no light. no photographing. no sparkle, no giggle. i had an epiphany in sin city (vegas) of all places and i came clean and told this guy i held captive all about my past. i finally felt glad someone knew, cuz i was isolated from everyone and lying blind. i loved drinking behind his back. i loved being completely inebriated. completely lost to the world. completely unaccountable. completely bathed and blanketed in something wet and satiable.

I remember a Tuesday night T-rex and I (the only woman I know who could keep up with my ferocious pace, full knowing we have a problem, and not caring, save for making a crack or two about it). She's part Am-Indian and full blooded evil. We wouldn't even talk to eachother until we had two stiffi's down the hatchet. Many more later we were stumbling out the dark bar about to drive and these guys, who didn't even want to take advantage of us stallions presumably becuz we were so sloppy, threw us in a taxi. Once home, I said some prayers to the porceline god, working out my stomaches inner lining. (usually I have a large and in charge tolherance). I was balled up on the floor w/ trex, crying saying don't you know what we are!! Don't you know what were doing? (ei. alcoholics, killing ourselves slowly).

and all this is becoming not enough.

because now i'm thinking, well, i did it wrong that time. i went balls out. this time i'll really try to balance it and drink like a lady. i have friends who had quit and are now doing it and they seem fine. okay one started sleeping with every men this side of the river and several rappers in nyc. and the other doesn't have any friends anymore. but they are balancing it.

i'm afraid of what i'll loose. and i'm afraid of not trying to balance it again, and never fully feeling like i really know. i don't want to be wavering on this fence when i'm older with kids on the line.

but i have an insatiable desire, overcoming need to intoxicate myself like a blanket covering every part of me. I have a stubborness in me to want to make it work. or to have it not work but really try and then know in my bones that i am an alcoholic and that's okay. damn i hate fences.

and i'm wondering why this is coming up. why now? is it cuz life is getting too big? the review, the breakup, the job changes all the time.

last night i wanted to go buy a bottle of red and just get it over with. god i haven't had a hangover in a long time. i haven't had the spins in a while. i haven't felt shameful in a while.

the only reason i don't want to loose my tender time, is becuz i'm organizing a sober surf camp trip where 25 women have already paid up. and their fearless organizer would be two pisses under the jack daniels bottle. i guess i'll wait until june. then if i still want to partake, i'll consider it. and i hope everything changes by then.

otherwise i can imagine how drastically these entries will change. i can't imagine actually. i have no idea.

this is so goofy, i just gave an assignment (only cuz the honcho asked me to) to the laugher. i'm so struggling with this managment stuff. i don't think i've done a lovely job in the past. just okay. but this time i'm going to try to not care if i'm liked and just be respected, cuz i think that's my problem. and it's hard looking younger, hell being younger. my figuring is, if your a good delegator, you shouldn't have to do any work! love that.

my whole focus on this passing life right now is to save for the month off i'm taking to travel. maybe tomorrow i'll focus on enjoying the actual day.

oh ps. sat night a gang of us went out dancing. First crackasia and I went to this party in the coolest artist's space. This seemingly gay guy picked up on me after this tilly tolly blond strutter asked if she could come over later that night. i ate two cookies. we went upstairs and there was this choreographer, a terribly uninterested gay man watching all the people who entered the building on a widescreen tv. the pickup guy is a writer on a nice show.

the real fun happened when we trucked, powered by two red bulls, to chocolate city downtown. we danced up something absolutely silly till 3am. i fuckin loved it. that is a relief. that is when i feel safely intoxicated. while lost in a fit of dance. i don't do it to pick up on babies.

ps. there were no male babies there. it was a greatly mixed crowd that were only interested in getting groovy. i loved it. i did a powerful robot dance, crackasia (who is a dancer) loved it. thank god, cuz i felt the need for approval.

I drank in the delicious nature of this amazing asian woman dance. i wish she threw me a sign of access for advancement, cuz i would of moved. she is the woman i want to take on a date. not sure what else i'd do with her once on the date. maybe i'd gently cup the nape of her neck and kiss or only kiss her one the neck and then leave it at that. but she was just beautiful. tall jet black stylish hair, great black shirt cut to reveal svelt shoulders and some asian tattoo. i wanted to ask her what the tattoo meant. i got afraid of rejection. it's worse than if a man rejected me (which come to think of it, doesn't really happen). hehee.

cheers, l