2001-04-24 - 10:08 p.m.

tip o' the day: blow off ney sayers and negative comments flying your way. imagine them bouncing off you.

ummm I'm thoroughly exhausted. I did the big surf adventure with my new guy friend who I have a feeling is going to hit on me at any minute now, Chris.

He's the insane, vibing, knowledgeable surfer who is into the lifestyle, the etiquette out in the water, who is sponsored cuz he's just damn good. We examined several breaks starting at 8a.m. before settling on Malibu, judging the tide, winds, swell. We started at a 4.1 high tide, south wind, okay swell, as if you were dying to know. I beg the day some die hard surfer reads my words and can appreciate this.

I had some great fast, short rides at the big boys break. One boarder named Pinky told me I should be at a beach break (cuz he assumes I'm having a hard time learning). Okay, honny, I'm not the one named Pinky, so lay off. How do you deflect someones bullshit and not take it on? Not absorb it?

I got an email from this guy who did some work for me and he overcharged us and i called him out on it and he sent me some bs about me being unprofessional, blabla, he basically spewed venem in the most ridiculous manner. How do I deflect that? Believe in myself beyond it? This guy doesn't KNOW ME. So why should I take it in? But on some level, after all the good in my day, and seeing all the people who love me, and hearing from old bosses about how great I am and how much they want to work with me...all I end up retaining are the spiteful words of one fuckhead whose never met me and doesn't know me at all. I want to learn the lesson of deflecting, cuz life can be cruel and I crave to be peaceful.

Lizard and I made up. It's all back to normal.

I felt really great catching so many waves. Later that day I went back out in a different spot where there were 30 men competing for the same spot. ouch. I kept thinking that they were all thinking about me, like why was I out there, that I was in the way, etc etc. I can get so self conscious. So tired of myself and the head talk full of bullshit. Maybe I should stop caring so much about what a group of yahoo perfect strangers thinks about me.

I layed flat on my board, resting my head, feeling that soft rocking of the waves like a baby in a cradle. Now I still feel the waves in my body rocking me, taking me inches away from myself.

I'm feeling really sad. Lonely. I'm doing two weeks of no men, no distractions, retractions or flat out action. Just me, my feelings, the rawness. I want to learn to be with myself. To be totally comfortable alone. It's really tough. I don't want to date or get mixed up in any tangles of the heart strings. That thing with Stinky still ruminates something rotten and moldy in me. I want none of it!!

Yes I am very nervous about Thursday. . I can't wait for the moment to come, yet I don't want to hang too much of myself on the words of one person, acting out about their one opinion, subjectively.

After the long surf excursion, I went to a women in film mixer to see an old boss who seemed tossed off when I got there. I heard the most phenominal woman speak, Susan Estrich. She said everything I've always thought about women in our world, power structures and discrimination. It makes me feel like I'm not so crazy, but am intuitive. Often times, it is we, women who keep eachother down. She was up for this clerkship with the most liberal justice and he didn't even want to meet with her, cuz he doesn't like women to work for him. now she graduated the number one person at harvard law. hello? it turns out that he didn't take her cuz his secretary liked it to be him and the boys, she liked to be the only other woman in the board rooms. hellooooo. later this secretary-failure-to-all-humankind married the justice.

BUY SUSAN ESTRICH'S BOOK . If you HONESTLY can't afford it and really are interested in it, I'll buy it for you. Any woman who wants to read books like this, or ones like "Cunt", "Reviving Ophelia", let me know. Self educating is so important.

What is more important is that we support eachother. That we know the door we get to walk through is open because another woman pounded on her head on it so many times to force it open. Encourage, believe, support. She gave some seriously sad satistics about women in top positions. We have a lot of work to do, and men can absolutely help too. If they have a sister, mother, woman that they love, than it's worth while. They can hire a woman, promote her, believe in her ability, speak well of her, drop down on men who speak of rape and hurting women casually or even as if those things are okay. Simply, say, no that's not acceptable to me....aaaa I'm going oofff.

It's something I feel in the deepest parts of me. It resides in the roots of me.

Cheers,, lllllll