2001-04-23 - 3:02 p.m.

tip o' the day: take a risk today, try something new. Expand the confines of your life.

by 11.30 a.m. I already had the fullest day, full of information slinging my way.

Only in LA, would I be walking past the bright lights of a commercial shoot on the beach on my way to go surfing. It was a kids video and they blasted hip hop which went over well with the organic, oldies that have surfed malibu since distant ages. These guys look like they got lost wondering in a forest in Santa Cruz and came out fifty years later. One guy made a point to tell me that he has been surfing since b4 I was born. B4 there were leashes (surf term, the thing that holds the board to you and drags your ass fifty feet under a nutty wave).

Looking at the shoot, I got the same quezzi feeling I always get when I see kids subjected to the 'image making factory'. I felt their phoniness and happiness dependent on the floods of attention bursting out from them, permeating around like the lights blasting phony brightness and saturated happy colors. I felt their glee as so many adults tickeled their fancies so that the director could get a shot and the commercial can sell us all on an idea of what life should look like. What bothered me the most was this 13 year old girl was dressed like a Guess model with no boobs. It bothers me that this industry sexualizes our children, our girls so young. Sacrificial lambs. She swung her hips from side to side not knowing the effect it was supposed to have on the men her fathers age who were watching.

wow.

My surf session was frustrating. Great conditions, but there was this viking guy that got on every wave possible and then got mad when I'd try to hop on. Okay, if you don't want to share mutha fucka, then take turns. The way we learned on the playground. I hate being new at this, I hate not getting up on waves around the boys watching. It burns me ego and I have to force my pride aside and remember that I do this at my pace. This viking was apparantly in a movie opposite Antonio Banderas as a viking or some shit. mmmm Viking star, pls git' off my fuckin ride! This other nice guy was giving me free lessons and helping me into the wave at the right time. It's timing and trusting and believing you can do it, like everything in life. It is humbling, challenging and at the end of the session I was sooo exhausted and beside myself, that I almost lost myself to the knowledge of the biggest news of the universe....

drum roll plleezzz....

I FOUND OUT THIS MORNING FROM THE GALLERY OWNER THAT A HUMONGOUS PUBLICATION WILL BE REVIEWING MY PHOTOGRAPHY SHOW.

breath luke breath.

My first serious show gets mutha fuckin reviewed by one of the biggest publications in the nation! huh? huh? My inner child is giggling at those silly adults taking me so seriously!!!

om my gosh? I'm so nervous. Cuz it's my first! What if the lady says, oh I hate her amaturish work and she is an example of badness....I hope that doesn't send my fledgling feelings for showing my work into a deep deep grave.

But can you imagine if it is a good review? It will help to get my work shown in other places!!~ Is this really happening? I don't try too much w/ my art, I just do it because it was in me to do. It is the fierce, burning place in me that was told to shut up, shut down as a kid. It's that solid bean living inside of me that is founded on bright living life, ready to burst and grow! It's the quiet, contemplative place that looks, listens, remembers and crys inside.

And besides telling my mom, who was surprisingly receptive, I don't feel like I have someone to dance with in the glory of this information. I don't have some one to tell that I feel will get this piece of the story. I feel alone with this brightness. I'm so used to the dark, my eyes aren't yet accustomed.

I also got a job offer today at the rate I wanted, at a slight promotion. It's freelance, till september and it is a slightly cheesey, demanding job, with a long fuckin commute. But I'm taking it cuz I'll save all summer to have that month off in south east asia in sept that I've been dreaming of!!

I'm so drenched and I am still dehydrated. I'm not used to this much abundance. I've gone thirsty for years. I've been the alcoholic, bulemic one who didn't believe I could do anything, thought I wasn't worth anything anyway. The one who had to struggle through each day, just to get by not throwing up, all the while wondering with envy and sadness why I was so fucked up, left in the dust of the world of normalicy. Looking at those who know how to navigate life, like I was an animal in a zoo, hiding in the caves, so the visitors who only passed through didn't see me.

It's cheap, but it's in these moments of progress that I look at how damn damn far I've come and I get choked up with utter gratitude.

All I know is to give this away and help others as I have been so freely helped. All some one has to do is ask.

I'm feeling so good, but ms. thangs, I'll letcha all know how I'm also feeling Thursday, when the review comes out!! I'll tell you now tho as evidence, that this lives on the inside and no damn critique can take it from me with their words and opinions. It is already mine.

cheers, luke!