2001-04-20 - 4:03 p.m.

tip o' the day: nothing changes, when nothing changes.

This morning, at a mtg, I couldn't stop staring at this pearly-pink liped, cotton-candy faced young woman with grey-blue eyes and wild, blond hair. I was thinking on the subject of youth and beauty.

I was imagining myself kissing her. I think that we want to kiss people with beauty and youth to take in their essence, to drink it in, subconsciously thinking that we are getting a piece of them, they rubbing off onto ourselves. I looovve run on sentances, I dance upon the values of those who correct them, correctly, in confines, four walls and rules. Fuck rules, especially in the pursuit of expression and expansion. HOW DO WE EXPAND, WHEN WE ARE LIVING IN THE CONFINES OF RULES? Know the rules and then break them, some say. What do you think? I'd like to know stinkers.

I had an out of body experience yesterday. I was interviewing for a new freelance job. First I met with one old man, than another, older. Who I am to be talking to these crusty characters staid in the crevaces of tele-visions? (Television creation and production).

The best part of this all is that in my heart I think TV is toxic. Whenever I watch for more than an hour, I feel letharic and depressed. It is so much more delicious when I am entranced in my own creativity, then sleeping in the dreams of others. But that is why I also enjoy the industry, because I get to explore my creativity and somehow be paid.

Long ago I had this ridiculous rule following friend who was EXTRODINARILY Catholic, terribly controlling, and viciously passive aggressive. But she had one finger print that she made on myself: I was complaining about Catholicism and it's bullshit views on women, she said not to abondon an organization, but to get in and try to change it. Yes, darling billions of years and I will change it. mmmmmm. Thoughts? Do share. I've taken this concept into my creative play w/ the tv industry. That I might develop concepts that are PRO women, where we are the mutha fuckin hero's! Where people of all colors are examples and people to look up to and believe that it is possible.

Let's do a let's feel sorry for me moment: when I was little, I distinctly remember my mom discouraging all the things that I thought I'd want to do. I said, oh I want to design clothes! She said, don't you know how hard that is? You'd need to know how to sew and you don't. It's too hard for you.

ouch.

I grew up believing everything was too hard, except maybe marketing. ooo marketing, convincing people to spend their money on shit they don't need. Marvelous choice.

I know that later I will want to work with young women, teens. I want to start a urban surf girls league to get punks outta the city and into the water empowering them something fierce. I got outta the water recently and this little girl in full braids was chanting to me, surf in, surf in, I want to learn to surf. I waited many years to start to believe I could do things. I want to be that person who makes the imprint on another to believe that they can.

Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you. I finally convinced my first victim (x or current lover) to do the photo series with me. Last night I took pix of stinky in his manly self, then I dressed him up like me, full blown woman and then took some shots. I put him in a black sweater tube top, with a vintage fox fur neck wrapping, classy makeup with frosty white shadow and deep burnt red lips. Then I spravyed a bunch of shiny oil on him and he looked plastic ala 1940's.

It was wild to watch him trust me, and relax into feminity. Enjoy it. It was really private and intimate and fascinating to see him enjoy it in his own quiet, quiet way. I was prowd of the makeshift lighting I set up and now I wish I had professional lights, cuz I feel like the lab I use will laugh at the yellow tones, the amatuerness. We had sex later, in the middle of it, I was desperately searching for some hard rock on the clock radio. Gun's and Roses, Led Zeplin. I had a mad craving for this music for some unplaceable reason.

peace in your hairgreeze stinkies.

now go tell someone how much you love them, tomorrow is promised to no one!

and I love you!