2001-04-17 - 6:00 p.m.

tip o' the day: when ur in a shitty mood (or hungry), don't attemp lots of conversations, they may only lead to senseless arguements. TAlk as little as possible.

i'm in a shitty place. my cat is lost and i keep imagining her scared and hungry somewhere and i feel like a bad person cuz of it.

i'm generally depressed today. seeing only in tunnel vision, with a head ache and a numbing heart ache.

i argued w/ stinky. and w/lizard again cuz she and i had more drama on the road to 'appologies'. some damn appology buttercup. my sponsor says i should consider why i choose the friends that i do. that its not all me, so i'm off the hook a bit. ripe said that generally i'm deeper and more intellegent than the pals i blanket myself in. it hit me like an epifany. yes this is true. why? cuz if someone fully has their shit together and is a good friend they'll leave. somehow i believe that. i was really glad to talk to ripe about this and get an outside perspective, she thinks its possible. maybe there is a way and i know i get to work on my acceptance of the way people are too.

the only grace of my whole mess in the head is the idea that it will pass like all feelings and that i'll feel differently. tomorrow i have a lunch mtg with a big wig and i feel the way i felt when i was little. we'd have some uproarious family fight and i'd be spent the next day, puffy faced and feeling inept. yet i'd have to show up pretending to be normal among happy kids in their happy day. that is the way i feel, like i have to show up and pretend to be happy and normal and i imagine that this woman doesn't have drama's like i do or sadness or lost cats. she seems guineunly happy and successful. she's certainly successful and pretty.

there's this story that my sponsor told me while i was on the shitter this mornin. about a catapiller turning into a butterfly in a cocoon. it was fighting to get out and in her struggle this person felt bad and helped her out of the cocoon. she had small wings and couldn't fly and died soon after. it's becuz in their struggle the blood goes to the wings and makes them big.

i guess she thinks i'm going thro growing pains, fighting through changes to become a butterfly. i hope i come out a beautiful one with frosty light blue, erruptive orange, blood red, hot pink,and soothing sea green.

but i do get thaat no one can do this for me. and she told me to flush out my friends and i said i'll be lonely and she said, it's the best lesson of all is to learn how to be truely okay alone. i definately don't have this.

so that is my assed out day.

i've been craving to get stark raving mad and drink myself into oblivion. into numbness. happiness, satiation. kindness, quietness. nothingness.

and one of the only things holding me back is that i don't want it to be like the last time i slipped and started drinking again. i was off work, in a break up...sound familiar? i went mad, drank every day, lost myself completely. slept w/ strangers, allowed someone to lock me in his place at night and sleep with me while i was wide awake in the morning so that i could get more coke. and we're not talkin soda here hunnies. i felt like shit about myself, that i deserved nothing. right now i feel utterly shiti, but not like a shit. not in my feeling about myself. it was different. it was ugli, it was dark. my house is too clean, too happy to see those days again. i just have to sit through this one and try not to have too many conversations.