2001-04-14 - 1:41 a.m.

tip o the night: be silent sometimes and see what arises in the spaces inbetween.

i didn't get my spanking i wanted tonight (see earlier entry). but i got my ass kicked by feelings.

i have to say, all day and night i;ve had intense feelings for the 'x'. i had a dream of him last night, of me enjoying the essence of him, all parts of him. of forgetting why i didn't like him. and of him rejecting me. rejection! it hurt inside all day long. it hurt when we were out at the club and i saw a woman pull her man in tight, like ownership. a sense of knowing, owning, together. i loved that comfortable, safe sense with him. i loved halloween dancing with him, he with his funny samari outfit with the pigtail on top of his head and me causing drama cuz he was talking to a woman when i arrived and didn't notice my new hair cut.

i was so immature with him. i feel like the break up forced me to grow up quick. i never acted insecurely b4. i remember saying that my life finally had pieces in it that i was terrified of loosing (job and him) and i lost them both in a matter of 3 months. how 'dem cookies?

i don't want to be with him, and i love the freedom of my life, but damn, i miss some pieces of him now. right now. i miss what we had. sometimes it just hurts in inexplicable ways, hurts in places of my self i didn't know exhisted. hurts like i'm desperately wanting someone, or something to take this fuckin feeling away cuz sometimes i feel like it will kill me. and it's easter weekend. and wow was i kidding myself jumping RIGHT into the fun relationship with stinky! it aleaveated some pain for that moment, but here it is again, fierce and not forgotten. it waited for me to wake back up to my life.

and all i have as a tool is trust, deep breaths and writing. and it hurts so bad and i want it gone. that gone like a drink without the hangover and the immense guilt. i fantasized about getting good and liquidated tonight. sedated. i thought of the numbness and the night that never feels like it would end.i wanted to think that this time it would be different, that i would try harder to balance my drinking and i wouldn't get out of hand and destroy myself. could i balance it? i often wonder if i would die trying, if all the good stuff in my life would leave over a simple drink or four. four more. i'd never stop at one. how could anyone???

i was telling my friend of a night i was given a date rape drug. i wasn't raped that time. i got really sick and threw up in trashcans at the house of blues club on sunset strip. i had a HIGH tolherance and NEVER would of thrown up over the amount i drank. later i heard someone accused him of rape and it confirmed this suspicion. intuition is damn damn powerful. i was so lucky my roomate was home that night and sober to receive me out of his sick clutches.

i'm eating cheerios one by one, popping them between my teeth.

tonight we went to a mtg and i flirted with the boy toy, mack. he's so cute and he's got NOTHING GOING IN HIS LIFE, except living in boys boot camp recovery home. hehe. but he is so good looking and he has a crush on me, so i'm going to find some time to work that out. torture him a little bit. i was feeling naughty...

later we went to the pleasure cheast on santa monica blvd. and i bought some dice to play with the boy toy later on. the dice says things like 'lick' 'breast', suggestions, you do what you roll. i bought my friend some sex toys. a pen with a woman in it, that when pressed strips down into nothing. a condom lollipop and body paints. i highly recommend body paints. very fun and creative.

next rach and i went to crackasia's dance performance at this club. we were the only white people there. it was fantastic. it was interesting to feel what some of these people have felt all their life. aleignated, apprehensive, reserved, cautious.

you've got to love a club that frisks everyone for guns as they enter. what a scene. i loved observing the different kind of culture. in LA it is very segregated so many years later. the people at the club spoke different, danced with a hidden secret. i felt intimidated. i have friends that are black, like jess and rickey and hell, my step brother, but they are more white than me in MANY WAYS. they are different from these people who have now segregated themselves. my friends have adapted, sliced off their edges to fit into the circle of this white life. jess grew up in manhattan beach wishing she had blond hair and blue eyes. that kills me. in fact i, miss irish ass, took her to her first black club night to listen to jill scott. she was more uncomfortable than me. i guess black women give her 'tud cuz she's so whit-ified. "can't we all just ...."

ripe said it was harder for rickey to get a job cuz he's black. i wonder what it would be like to walk around in his skin. what would be different? he's never dated a black woman.

the only other white person was this tall effeminate white guy from the uk, filming the dance . he spoke to closely in my safe space. otherwise i would of thought he was cute.

some guys rapped something fierce. these guys that had powerful energy ripping apart the room. they made me think of the white kids that i've heard rap on the westside trying to ressemble these mens scarred experiences. i saw two extremely goregous black women, and i wondered what it would be like to be apart of their big crew of women, what would be different. what would be the same.

what was wild about the night was that there was no trouble, that all of the women were really nice to us and the men, gentlemanly. when my friend said no to an invite, he said thank you. this has never happened. i only bring this up cuz the last time i went to an all black club i was treated very aggressively, this was in venice. it was hardcore, maybe a lot more gangs. i was grabbed a lot then and if i said no, then i was called a bitch. but this is not a black issue, i'm more afraid of the white frat guy denied than anyone else in the world. they have white mans anger and a sense of being owed to. this was a mello crowd with diamonds the size of marbles dripping off the ears of the macho men. what a thing that it turns out to be the men flaunting the largest pieces of jewelry.

crackasia, her friend who choreographed the dance, vanessa and some guy got on the stage. crackasia was nervous and her moves weren't so sharp. i think it's her first dance sober and she was the whitest woman there (actually she's mexican). but vanessa.

vanessa. i've never seen anything like it. she danced with such power, and grace. she's a larger black woman, with short hair and when she said hello to me for the first time she took my hand and gently patted my arm with the other, like she reached into me and comforted some piece of me.

while i watched her, i decided that i've never seen anything, any woman as beautiful as her. so much presence and confidence, not cocki, just full of the kind of light inside that doesn't seek to threaten, but to ignite others all around them. each move she made had intense passion and perk. sharp and expressive. i got welled up inside seeing this intense beauty, i felt such regrett that the rest of the world doesn't get to see this. that the world thinks beauty is blond, shiny and airbrushed. no she had beauty, the beauty of real presense and power realized and shared. why are we so slow to celebrate this beauty? this form? why are we obsessed with a particular body type, dictated by a few powerful gay men, (so i'm told). i don't know cuz i'vw never met these few powerful dictators, but i think we all contribute to the myth. we carry the torch with every disasterous beauty/fashion magazine we read and buy. your vote is your dollar. what does your vote say? i love that women like jill scott are redefining this 'ideal'. i want to photograph vanessa, it's just a challenge to know how to capature all that she is. i feel like i would fail at it.

ripe and i still haven't decided whether to go to mexico. we'll decide tomorrow. we're afraid of the money running out. i'm afraid i'm running away to only find myself there. i don't know what to do cuz i don't want to be here right now. i don't want to be anywhere on sunday as it is a holiday and i don't want to be w/ family and i don't know what i want so somewhere i don't know at all sounds really nice. i'm so responsible all the time, it would be nice to go on a small irresponsible little trip for once.

somewhere outta sorts, l