2001-04-07 - 5:51 p.m.

tip o' the day...color your life with flowers. lighten your load with bright reds, calming blues and life invigorating yellows and oranges.

the second day with my dad the "7th" was the day of my show. again, we didn't know what to do w/ ourselves. being a man with hands carved by years of hard labor, nails crusted over and shaped in on themselves, he found it suitable to get to work. so we spent the day steam cleaning my carpets together. he went to town, cleaning my windows, everything. it was impressive. then my aunt came up, i went to my hair appointment and met them at the gallery oopening. it was kind of him to spend his day making my place a little better. i think he does help my brother a lot w/ fixing up his place, and i've always lost out cuz i live far away, so he was playing catch up. i've really missed this part of being close to family.

i love billy holiday. her voice is like a smooth burbon lincoln towncar crusing mindlessly across bumps and feeling nothing but the soothing feeling of the ride.

while i was going to the hair, i was thinking a jack and coke on ice sounded nice. i was thinking of the logistics of booze.

all day i obsessed on who wasn't going to my art opening that night. kelby called and said she was sick. MY FUCKIN ASS. she's 'sick' every time she needs to show up for something. when she told me i was vacumming and didn'tstop and was short with her. why do i need to hear her LENGTHLY appologies full of her rubbing in the fact that i'm not important enough for her to make the fuckin effort? she can't ever handle when i'm doing good. only if i'm on the floor. she couldn't celebrate my success. but i knew this. so i can try to accept this piece of her and let her be this and let it sit on the countertop. i can let it be. she had years of her making. i certainly am not her reason. i was getting depressed, like no one loves me, no one in this fucked up world wants to or knows how to show up. stevie can't show up. i still didn't know if lizard was coming and i left her a message saying that it'd mean a lot if she was there even tho we were still in an arguement and had feelings going on and that i'd be hurt if she wasn't. but i felt really hurt that she hadn't even called. so hurt grew hurt grew hurt. i felt like i wasn't good enough, not a good friend.

i spoke w/ my sponsor. i realized that this is an opportunity for me to learn to show up souly for me. and not make it about anyone else. for it to be only about me and me celebrating me and enjoying that moment. that i have learned how not to abandon myself. to stay by my own side thro uncomfortable situations. when i was driving to the opening, i got so welled up. i was thinking that if i honestly died today, that this would all be enough. that beside not having brats, i would be completely satisfied. full. content. powerful stuff.

that my life is good...just as it is today.

on the inside.

amazing.

after i made that decision it got really good. also my friend who is like a burst of sunshine and when she talks to me its like i am lit up by her light, she called and told me she's trucking down with a car load of women to shower me with support and to look at the event as me sharing my gift of what i do with the world. my handprint. i guess i have always wanted this. secretly.

i showed up with fabulous new hair. my mom and her josh had delivered flowers that were there waiting for me. it's so overwhelming, even now. how do i deserve that? i think that both my dad and her are fighting to make up for those years of insanity and emmaciated love that lacked at the least.

now they try to shower me and i'm used to the dust, so it feels a bit foreign. my mom has been so steadfast, so supportive. she had flowers delivered also at my first little stupid show on the pier, right after that fucker broke my heart. that meant the world to me. the world. every step she's shown me. i wonder if she could know what this means? it's like someone who has been thirsty for years and is so dehydrated that its hard to take in water at first. it's hard. but its dripping in and it feels so good.

the first two people are some shining faces from program. man did they represent! huge support. amazing. the best part was that i didn't worry at all about how many people would be there. and it was fuckin great. there was a wild flow of people coming in and it was packed. i was so surprised to see some people come out and with each person i told them that i really appreciated them coming out and i meant it. amazing old work friends and a lot of new work friends came by, boys that have crushes on me, i was hoping they crushed enough to buy some of my work. it was an incredible turnout. jess didn't come cuz she was babysitting, wow. babysitting. that's great. i was amazed by some of the efforts by some people coming by, people i didn't even know so well that showed up. it was really hard getting all the compliments and i'm not sure i believe the people. congrats, i love your work i love this piece or that. i'm not sure waht i believe. but i don't care. my art is seperate. people can;'t touch it. i don't do it for their support. i don't do it to sell. i do it cuz it's in me to do and as long as i'm sober i can do nothing else but to express this energy in me. but it was interesting to see that peoples favorite piece was one that i thought no one would get or appreciate. it is of this limey grey green sink filled with gringy water in some basement. it is shrapnel. it is entitled 'ymca, nyc'. that's where it was taken. i love that people got something from that. ijust like the images and after that fact find some meaning in it. never do i really think of the meaning in the moment. but there is always that meaning hidding in my subconscious. beneath the happy do right christian surface is something else,something slimy and seemingly unattractive. but it is honest. and in the honest ugliness i find extrodinary beauty. this guy with blue hair and i spoke of how we found absolute beauty in things others just pass by or turn their eye away from. i can stand over a puddle of dirty water with trash in it finding it to be just amazing. he later asked me out. whatever goth. someother older guy wanted a pic of my in front of one of my works. he said great choice, it's your strongest piece for a strong woman. so if you find me dead, he had curly grey hair, plain dressed, didn't seem to know anyone. i wonder if i've found my first stalker. fabulous!!

i had the best time. i was the hostest lit up! best time. lizard came, cowered around said congrats, said hi to dad. my cousin who has shot photog for years came with a glint of anger in his eyes that he's done this for years and hasn't shown and i pranced in on low radar and have shows. i introduced him to the owner and hooked him up for his possible show. THERE IS ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE.

my heart went into my shoes when i saw the little red sold sticker on my flag shot. my dad bought it. i can't believe how supportive my parents are. it's a miracle. it's a dream i wondered when i'd wake from.

and the best part is that the whole time i stayed in my skin. i was comfortable and joyous with myself. i didn't crave that wine inhabited air at all. i didn't need to inebriate myself with anything else but the love and celebration.

i went to a party after. very posh. w/ rach and crackasia. we left just as these hot guys, one famous came in. we went to a coffee house on sunset, i argueed with the valet. as usual.

we had chili. i said, oh my did you see how drunk my uncle was? they said oh your dad? yeah we both smelled soemthing on his breath.HUH? MY DAD'S BEEN DRY, NOT DRINKING FOR THREE YEARS? YOU REALLY SMELLED BOOZE ON HIM, CUZ I DIDN'T AND I'M REALLY SENSITIVE TO IT. YES WE DID.

i was crushed. again, i became that little girl disappointed, broken.

utterly confused. what did this mean? he's been showing up for me. i said that it felt like he's shown up for the first time ever and now it is being yanked away. cuz when he starts to drink, its all over. the show is over. rach and crackasia have hearts that clutched this pain, understood. rach got teari eyed. her mom is the same. we all have those pasts of disappointment and hurt. the power of alcoholism. the disease. i jsut started to trust him again, and let him in. since i was 13 and shut him out for good and laced with anger. just now. what did this possibility mean? then they stammered that they werentt' sure, maybe he had bad breath.... maple syrup.

maple syrup dad.

the power of scent. the scent of survival.

this meant to me that he is a man, that he is human and that i would find a place in the middle of the road where i still can have some relationship with him, however imperfect it would be. i feel bad when i bitch about my dad and i realize ripes father is gone, stinky's commited suicide, crackaisa's left long ago on a drunk binge. all gone and i still have this delicate, imperfect chance to accept him as he is, in any way that he can participate. and i finally came to accept that, broken and all. i'm finally getting this point. lizard, dad. people are human. they aren't who i want them to be. crackasia pointed out that she realized that our parents are people with their stories. they have their own pasts, hurts, insecurities and reasons for doing what they do. pasts. i understood better then.

we went to breakfast today. later dad and i spoke of not drinking and he said that the man in his building is sober and talks to him about his past and unmanagability. i choked up that some one out there is sharing their story w/ my dad and passing it along. i became so grateful. i asked if he has had anything.

not at all

have you tried to balance it at all?

no. i can't. i can't even try. i don't even think about it.

so

i don't know and it's not for me to know. and that is enoough for me today.

if i died today i'd be satisfied that my dad and i had this day. this weekend. this chance again. cuz i know the way he has lived his life i won't have him for long.

when i dropped him off he said in my ear, i love you i love you more than anything in the world. my dehydrated soul tried to drink that in.

it is all overwhelming. it's all amazing.

how do i deserve all of this?

and waht is beautiful is that stinki wasn't here, the 'x' wasn't here by my side (which i missed for a moment). becuz it was truely mine. truely about me and i got to embrace it as such. and claim it.

finally claim it.

much cheers and much love, l

also props out to cutiehoney, i heard you mentioned me. can't wait to read you.