2001-04-10 - 10:06 a.m.

tip o the day: eat asparagus and you may have a special surprise later that makes you smile.

i had the most delicious orgasms the other night. two of them. self induced. i used to have them a lot but haven't since i don't know, since i've felt more adult. sober? it was a day b4 my period when my hormones are large and in charge. i was at a mtg that night and there were these naughty boys who live in a boot camp recovery home who aren't allowed to mess around w/ women. when i was growing up they were called half way homes and i understood them to be where fuck ups went. people you don't associate with. now i want to tickle their undersides. and it makes them all the more appealing that they aren't allowed to have me. two of them are just adorable. i had pipe dreams of sneaking one of them, the one that has a huge crush on me, and just making my way with him. finding out the way he kisses. seeing what piece of his soul i can feel through this experience. when we meet via the lips or touch aren't we tryiing to feel what the other persons soul, or untoucable hidden piece of themselves is like? i dreampt of touching and snuggling with a man last night. i'm craving strong hands and muscles wrapping around me. but i don't want their emotion, i don't want to be pulled aside to talk about their fucking feelings and needs. i don't want messy. and beyond that i don't want much.

my pee still smells great. the asparagus from yesterdays lunch tints my pee something special and makes me smile liike i'm still on the playground.

the clouds yesterday were incredible.. big bunches of them low on the horizon rising up like pillows and highlighted by the sun.

i have cramps and a backache and thank god i'm not pregnant. one last string cut finally from stinky. i feel really done with that (except for some selfish notion that he should take me on some trip). we yelled at eachother last night. he thought i should call and thx him for calling me the night of the opening. huh? i' haven't had a chance to thank those who showed up and gave me flowers and he wants my praise for a call that i didn't want to take? pulleeezz. fuckin selfish fucker. i'm so happy tho to be free of chains of the relations. its finally just me. its me and anything i want to do at night, anythign w/ my weekends. time for baths, writing, art, flirting. i get a lot more work done this way as well.

cheers, l