2001-04-1 - 4:07 p.m.

tip o' the day: don't put new friends together and expect them to play nice.

my art opening was the only opening on the gallery row that at made the LA muther fuckin Times in the houz byatch. un huh. yaaya.

what did i do to deserve this? absolutely nothing.

two things to discuss: my surftrippy weekend and the 'x' (& our conversation).

1. ya know when you've been around someone strong voiced for too long of a period of time when you hear the sound of their voice talking as your inner voice. my minds voice has the sound of my friend rach. wow. and it's a bit negative. it's so important to have really really good boundaries, cuz once i say what i need i'm protected from negativity and etc.

here's what happened, went camping w/ new guy friend (STRIKLY PLUTONIC, PARTICULARLY AFTER THIS WEEKEND), his friend and my rach. rach said 'oh i have a story that i think u'll think is funny about you' to the new friend. it was about him schooling two women and being the mack. welll he is extrodinarily anal anal need an enema anal and said well how do you know i'll think the story is funny, when you don't know me at all. she told he the story, he wouldn't speak to her all weekend, made it generally tense and she got pissey about him and took EVERY CHANCE SHE GOT to say something about him. and on the way home i should of, 'should of' asked her to stop cuz she was pissing on my surf high. but there is some kind of girl girl requirement to let your friend vent till she's allll done. lord knows i've ABUSED THIS FINE FINE RIGHT. and now i know how yukky it feels on the other end. how do i stop this vomit venting? how do i curtail it in me? hopefully i can.

we did have some fun when the guy went to bed early and the rest of us sat around our two candles (we couldn't start the fire, but that didn't stop me from obsessivly throwing paper on the fire) and told stories. this guy was interesting he backpaked all through honduras to guatemala. 5 buses and 3 canoes. and amazing sites. how adventurous. no plans, just trusting people. that is so different than package deals to hawaii. those are for when you birth a few bambino bratola's. i want adventure. i want to travel. so i'm trying to save. ripe and i want to go to bali. and she'd be perfect to travel with, cuz she never annoys me and although we haven't made it through a friendships first fight, i know that we could actually just talk and let it go. she's mature in that way. i bend towards the maturity of the person i'm with. lizard? walking home. haha.

today i went out in the surf with the boys and it was too intimidating, too many people cuz it was a huge sw swell. but my two extra girlfriends came down and went out with me and we each road several soft waves. there is something about some women, we encourage eachother. rara kick em in the butt. you can do it! you got it girl. it felt so great catching some. so great to paddle out my feelings about the 'x'. (also the new girl that came down with my friend was beautiful. just amazing and seemed really sweet). on one wave i caught i had the luxury of doing a little dance to show off for my friend. but this one guy stepped up and did a handstand on his board. wow. and he'd always make sure we were watching. just like the playground kids. life really doesn't change much from the playground. think about it. feelings get hurt, people show off, people kiss other peoples brand new girlfriends. surfing takes all of the tension in my body and works it out and leaves me like a noodle. its righteous.

2. 'x' called, yes the one that tore my heart out and left it on the 100 degree asphalt to roast and get run over. he called and emailed. i called back, we spoke, first i made sure he knew how fab my life was, ei. art opening, job then i asked directly, so why the call are u to the place wher you are ready to be friends?

x: yes

Me: cuz to me friends are ready to see eachother w/ new partners and are okay.

x: well i'm not ready for that. i just wanted to see you and catch up. tell you about my travels.

me: well if i was cold and callous and over it i would be able to see you, but i'm not and i still care about you (was this part a mistake?). we made a decision not to give pieces of ourselves to eachother and we should stick to that. so nanny nanny you don't get any part of me. ( and yes i said that in the taunting playground voice).

x: well okay i guess i can understand that.

me: i'm really sorry, i'm just taking care of myself. (it felt really good to say i'm sorry and deny him,empowering) but eventually i'd like you to tell me about se asia, i'm planning a trip. opps gotta go, my friends here to pick me up for surf trip. ooo but just for my ego do tell me how much you miss me.

x; i think about you a lot and miss you a lot.

me: good hahahaahah. have a great weekend.

bi bi

he also asked for the art info to see my work, not on opening night, but eventually. whatever dude. i may send it to him. we'll see. i wonder if he's trippen? at least i know he can respect me cuz i am definatly respecting myself and taking care of my diamonds. (the pieces of ourselves are like diamonds and we have to choose you to give them to and how much). my diamonds are worth more now. i was so osososos tempted to say 'okay, let's meet, let's have coffe'. then pretend to myself that it wouldn't lead to sex. but i know, for ex., that no matter what manipulation stinky does, i eventually still come to the fact that he's not it for me. so it won't work for the 'x' either. i can't keep him around hoping he'd want me back. i can't blow him off thinking he'll want me more. all i have to do is love myself and act accordingly. and the rest will absolutely take care of it self as it almost always does. (as long as i'm sober and present minded).

there is a great buddhist thing about being present. really present w/ all sense, consciously eating, consciously breathing, looking. it is a meditative way of life.

this week may be may last at work. at the dungeon of alcoholics and assholes. i have an interview for a job i probably don't want monday. at least it is in my neighborhood.

ps. growth, my mom sent me a card for my opening:

the front says:

dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt be4, sing as tho no one can hear you. sing as tho no one can hear u. live as tho heaven is on earth -souza. on the inside she wrote: 'his card had ur name on it. (it is a fav poem). easter will be over soon and jesus christ will rise above it and so will you. i love you and am behind you every step of the way. love mom. oh this blood mark is from my zit." (she's joking about jesus)

it makes me tear up. cuz i confronted her via email about her ignoring my easter rape when i was 16. and she appologized etc. things hard for me to take in. it wasn't just then, it was years of me being invisible. things are better, but how do i heal it? how does the universe bath me enough, so i can be somewhat whole enough at least to not play out these wounds and be able to accept real new love. it is nice that we have a good long distance relationship.

ps. i still haven't burnt the bunny. i'm trying to convince "ripe" to be my accomplice. if ur reading, encourage her to do so at her site "ripe.diaryland.com".

with much love and quiet spirit, l