2001-03-29 - 8:11 p.m.

tip o' the day: don't try to take chalky vitamin c pills with your morning coffee.

bonus tip: don't have a sloppy joe pork sammy smuthered in A1 steak sauce and expect to feel okay with the world and your tum tum.

lemme tell ya hot chino reno's. the 'x' has arrived. yes the 'x' wrote me an email and then had the gumption to also call. yes folks the one that broke my heart the very weekend my dad came out to meet him. he always wants to check in cuz he's afraid of me moving on completely. he's told me this. he wants to tell me about his travels. he wants to talk his head off. and i want to believe i'll get some gratification. some feeling that he needs me and misses me and hasn't been able to move on. and that no one is like me. but if i had him, would i now want him? i think i'll jsut call him back and chat it up a bit, but then say i'm really to busy to meet up. i really wanted to play games and fuck w/ him. and treat him like i treat those boys. but life. there is too much honesty. i couldn't get away w/ it and feel okay. but i'll be glad to tell him how fucking good my life is. but i also want to tell him how stinky loves me completely and wants to marry me and treats me like a princess and that i'm good enough.

i'm so excited cuz i'm going on a surf adventure with a group of people. i might enact burn the bunny if there will be one willing participant. i mean is it really considered arsen if the property you are burning is YOUR big blue bunny?

i had an opportuntiy to go to nyc for a six week job. yum yum. i'm not sure i can do it cuz i'd have to leave tomorrow and find someone to take care of my cats, live at my place. i'd have to walk out on the job i'm on a week early and piss off the president. and i'd have to make sure i could fly back for my art opening. but damhn i want to!!! so fuckin badly. i'm going to ask tomorrow if he's filled the position.

obsession. caos. completely satisfied.

this morning i took the curvy road route over into the valley instead of the clogged up 405. i love to drive fast through the curves pretending i'm a race car driver and passing other cars. it's easier speeding up hill than down. down is out of control. like life, spinning downhill. then i entered into the valley, took a different road. the valley has a ton of strip malls, greek, arabic, jewish deli's markets. the valley has endless roads filled with strange resterauntes with patio's with views of parking lots. the valley has a lot of porn studio's and the midest of 1980's stale sex is all around. the valley has a very particular feel that i don't particularly care for. but want to represent at some point in art. cindy sherman or one of those female photog's did a series of the strip malls. i drove past several mexican men talking with a cop below real big burgers. the cop passionate as if he knew them his whole life or was repremanding them for a drug deal that he would later turn around the stolen coke for his own profit to take the family to hawaii. i saw an old man and woman on a walk and thought it was sad to see the man walking ahead. that at somepoint in life we stop respecting our partners and don't walk with them in life. that some old man is in too big of a hurry on his morning walk to be with his wife. i saw an older man about to cross the street with a hurricane shrivled face. i saw two movie shoots and all of the big trucks and ego trailers hiding lights and more ego's. i love seeing those crew women in their khaki's running around growing wrinkles with a walkie talky bouncing off their many pockets looking very lesbian.

what shall i do about the about the x,nyc? i'll let you know. i'm gonna go eat some cheese.

cheers,l