2001-03-11 - 03:39 p.m.

i don't know what to say. i wanted to write so badly last night, but i slept out of numbness and finally exhaustion.

i had a guinuinly great time at the bar mitzva. 1st one. i'm listening to sugar boy by beth orten. i love her music. i'm really broken right now and i'm wondering if i'll ever be whole, if i'll ever stop hurting. life reinjures me and then i wonder if it is possible to get through the feelings of the distant past, the recent past and not find more hurt in today. i want to surf becuz the conditions are fine and i don't get to surf enough, but i think i'm too sad and too exhausted. i think i actually need to sit all day and be calm and not run from my feelings for once. that just sounds depressing as hell. then i just want someone to fix me. S. to fix me. (S. is the guy i went to the bar mitzva w/ last night. he's the nice sober guy that i got involved w/ right after my breakup. i don't usually jump into something new. buthe made me feel better, comfortable, safe again. and like anything coming from the outside, it didn't last and i know ultimately strenght and comfort comes from the inside. i recently tried to break up, dated someone new, lost interest and have pledged to be alone. aaa but i find myself in easter. easter is the hardest time of the year for me cuz of an old hurt that happened during the age of innocence in highschool. and last year was the first year i felt my feelings over the old hurt. i finally let someone know those feelings, i finally cracked to my ex "B". B held me through it all and i thought he wouldn't leave. and now i'm in easter again, left, still w/ these old feelings rising up fiercer than be4 cuz i am more present to feel them. i am more sober. available. and i've got S saying he won't leave. he said that last night something like he'd never leave and that he wants to be there for me or somehting and i thought of B and i thought of easter and i got really nautious. so nautious which means one of two things. i need to throw up and numb out and check out to the hurt or i desperatly need to cry those viseral baby girl uncontrollable sobs. S. at the base is a friend. we've healed together. he's had a go of it to w/ life so he gets the hurt. B never did, although he was very understnading and loving and consistent. i feel like i have nothing in me, like there is nothing here. nothing to do but to wait for this to pass.

last night i got triggered and i burst. there was this place in my heart and throat that ached so badly i honestly thought that it may kill me. i was sobbing uncontrollably and it just hurt so bad. i kept saying to S who was trying to hold me that i just felt like throwing up and i felt so nautious and that i hate easter and that it is just the season. i really didn't want to tell him anymore. i didn'twant to open up and tell the whole story again and feel someones pity upon me. fuck that. but god did i need to cry. i don't know how i'll make it through this season alive. Ali (my friend) and i are planning a trip to costa rica and now i really want to go and i also don't want to go. i understand why i drank. cuz this feeling honestly i think it'll kill me to feel it and i hate depression. i am a person who is constantly going and going and going. i remember last season when i cried like this in B's arms and i remember thefeeling the next day. how do i take care of myself through this? how do i love myself enough? give myself what i need?

lizard is trying to call me cuz i left her a sad message and i don't feel like explaining it to her. i don't feel like talking to anyone. journaling is nice. i've decided not to tell anyone about this or my site name. ali might find it and that's okay, but no one else. my catz are going nuts right now and i think god i don't want my cousin who i am so close to to go through ANY of this. i want to gaurd her from it and yet i know that she is so much like me.

the bar mitzva was fun. i am so gentile. i was like what is all that bread. it had a name. they did the fun dancing and chair throwing and traditional stuff. it was really nice. in those moments i thought i could really marry S. i saw himn in such a different light last night. i liked his family. his sister and husband seemed so :). such a loving family. the kids close, the dad loving. i thought wow. what that must be like. i had such caos growing up. the party was like a wedding and it made me want to have a big jewish wedding w/ S. he looked so handsome and is a great dancer. and i loved the way he looked at me while i spoke to his family, like he was so prowd of me. and this morning i woke to him staring at me again lovingly. how could i NOT want that? its too soon and i know so little. i fell in w/ S ONE FUCKING MONTH after B broke my heart. and man did i love B and really take those risks and fell in love. i wonder if i'll ever be able to again so blindly. i hope even more so, but now i see some new bitterness in me. some new scars and new sinicism. i don't want to be cold, my whole goal in life is to get closer to this thing of love. my heart hurts so badly and i feel like such an idiot for still having feelings still having hurt. but this just happened in oct and then i didn't really feel it cuz i got in w/ S. and i feel stupid for still hating easter. i hate it so much and its the most beautiful time of the year, when everything is blossoming and when i was sixteen the most imp part of me fuckin died. taken robbed. rapped. i hate to use words to say it. why is it so hard to call it that? the hardest part was the reactions. the dessertion. not being to tell my best friend who was my boyfriend cuz i cheated on him. my mom shutting down and ignoring it. having no one to talk to about this thing that happened. if i only had one fuckin person to talk to at the time i doublt i'd have this pain i still have now after how many fuckin years have passed????? 7??? too many. i think thats why i'm so nutz about mentoring so many women and younger women. i insist that they have that someone. that my kelse (cousin) has someone to talk to all through this confusing life. that she has someone she can tell. that is why i try so hard to stay very connected to her. i just want to know that she will have that someone i desperately wished i had. my older cousin was too interested in red bmw's and pills. it's the only gift i can give in life, is of myself and my support. i will call her today after this session. maybe i'll go out in the surf too. or at least do yoga. i don't knjow how people get through it. rape that is. cuz my ex. wasn't even taht 'serious'. or as bad as most. i stuffed it down so tightly tho for so many years. w/ food and booze. anything. i think it's probably the worst thing in the world. i rather have been robbed and beaten. theres something about thatsexual violation cuz the person is already entering the most vunerable part of you and deciding what you are worth. and i didn't at the time believe i was worth more. or worth really saying no. it's taken me seven years to say to a man when i want to stop. cuz i've thought all these yrs that my voice doesn't mean anything.

it happened during easter time so that is why it is this season that i feel like i want to throw up, be out of my body. leave. not feel. but here i am sober and not throwing up no matter what and i'm left to feel it. to walk thro it naked as can be, w/ as much imperfection and courage that i can find. and i know i take comfort in S. do u blame me? as long as i stay sober, i am constantly learning. feeling. and sometimes that is a lot to bear. especially for someone so sensitive as myself. i just wonder if there will ever be a day where i stop having to feel over this? it's been so long and i know i've stuffed for most of it. but i feel stupid still feeling over all this. and then last night i was also feeling over B. and how i let him know me and know these intimate parts and he left and hurt me even more.

S. says he wants to give me the world, but i don't think he can handle too much intimacy. i've just thought that i must needto be alone and walk through this in one whole piece. i know when i do things on my own, i feel really prowd of myself. the temptation to lean on him is so strong.but i'm also having this growing feeling to try and lean on me and find something sembling strength on the inside. it would be so easy to marry S. let him take care of me. i love him so much, but i haven't fallen in love w/ him. how could i? my heart is so closed, it's impossible. i felt so much love and adoration for him last night. it was so sexy after not seeing him for some time to be w/ him. i stole him away at one point and grabbed him in a nice secret kiss. it feltso sexy.

i guess this kid got a LOT OF MONEY. the air to two very wealthy grandpa's. i'll never know what that is like. how amazing.he's already been all over the world. money decides so much in life. it is a wierd thing of power. this kid is a bit chubby yet he wielded the sense of power that one gets from money. and there was this sexy blond girl in an outfit made for a woman who slinked in front of him and flaunted. i thought to myself, his whole life will be likethat. i really liked being around his family. family is very imp to me. ishould of known that w/ B i always felt less than and on edge,like it was so hard for me to be myself around his brother. w/ S's family i feltokay. myself. like i could just be apart of their family too. S this morning told me that he wants to settle down and he knows he wants to do it w/ me cuz everywhere he goes w/out me he wishes he was sharing the time w/ me. like oh i wish luke was there. but what do i want? how can i know now? i don't want to be cheating myself. and i saw something really wierd in his checkbook, 2+g's made out to tiffany's. i'm pretty sure it was tiffany's. iwonder what that was. i was around xmas. which is when we were close and going to santa barbara for new years together.itmade me wonder and i want to ask about it but then i think he'll be really mad at me for seeing his checkbook. i'm a curious person.

but i also did a booboo he asked if i've slept w/ anyone and i accidentally did. Sand i aren't commited, so it shouldn't be a bad thing, but i got too nervous to tell the truth right then. i know now that i'll have to go back andtell him. but at least i used a condom. that is what he was concerned about. that i hadn't had unprotected sex. and i said he didn't need to worry about that. damn! now ifeel like i have to tell him.which will make him so mad.

that is all for now as i am now extremely exhausted and feel like i want to go enjoy some part of this sunny beautiful day. but i feel much better getting it all out.

cheers, l