2001-03-13 - 03:36 p.m.

crazy stuff. work is borring this week. i'm only doing paperwork. and as i'm freelance here, i'm also looking for another job. which can be fun and ridiculous. i'm frustrated cuz i don't know what i'll be doing for easter. and easter as i've mentioned earlier is a tough one. my friend and i may not be going to costa rica, she's seems to be backpeddling and i never sseem to committ to anything. i'm afraid to make a decision cuz nothing sounds okay to do. nothing feels like i'll be okay and happy. i don't want to go visit family. that is what i did last year w/ my ex and that will bring up too much hurt feelings. plus myfamily gives me so much anxiety. this one side of my family is really wealthy and i never feel comfortable around them, cuz they are all married and making a lot of money and i'm in a fine place believe me, but geez i'm 25 and not married! their catholic asses freak. and they are so pretentious and stuffy. so unloving. S's family at the barmitzva was so loving and warm.

i don't want to feel like i'm running away for easter, but i also don't feel like there is a safe place for me to go. and right now i am so resenting my x for leaving me and for giving me his love through this time last year. it just feels like unbearable pain, like i just don't know how to get through this. it feels much worse than trying to get through the holidaze w/out him. i wonder what part of tghis has been hard on him, if at all.

the other night i felt like such a dog. like men feel. i had to tell S about lying to him and then b4 that we went to dinner w/ his family and one of the waiters at the resteraunte was some fling of mine that i hard core blew off out of laziness. it was a comical night. a study in human nature. later that night i told S that i lied about not having sex w/ some one else and i got it out of him that he had had sex too. we basically laughed it off. i don't know why it didn't bother me more. i wondered about it of course. where they did it, what it was like. etc. but i also don't care. i know he would do anything to be w/ me and she was just to pass the time or to pass his feelings. he told me several times that i am the only person he wants to be with if i'd just give him that chance that he wouldn't want to date anyone else. sometimes that sounds good. and right now i just feel like i don't know what the hell i want. i feel so lost. i thought out of fear that S can take me away for easter and now i know that that would be running. then i thought, what i'd like to do is take a women's road trip surfing, but i don't know who i'll be able to get to go with me as most people will be with their families celebrating easter. but that is what does sound safe. it sounds nice to not go far away yet and just to plan for a month off in south east asia in oct that would be very nice. i t would fall on my sober anniversary! what a treat. that way i would be ab le to plan it more and get excited and look forward to it. the only problem w/ that is work. if i would be in a place that i would be able to take off that long.

i would love to go on a long easter weekend trip and camp and surf and meditate and read and talk with women. but then i am freeked that would if i really won't have work and i'll regret that i didn't take the time to get away and play. that i'd be sitting here unemployed and i should of been out enjoying myself?? this is the part i hate about freelance, i rarely know my work schedule so it is impossible to plan time off unless i'm willing to risk leaving w/out work lined up. other things i like about freelance is the constant change of scenery and jprojects. that is cool.

now i've got to get back to work as i feeel nutty guilty when i don't get anything done in my day at work.