2001-03-10 - 03:44 p.m.

i just took a poop.quicky one. must of been the second red bull of the day. i know what a way to start. this is my mom in me and her insistance on telling people she meets that she doesn't have a uterous, then i'm sure she'll follow eventually with a untimely belch that creeps out and surprises her as much as anyone. yet it also pisses me off to no fucking end. no i'm not some kmart wheeling, twinki eating wt. in idaho. "who's the pimP? idaho.:"

i'm just frank. or in a frank mood probably due to the redbull.

who am i? the stats: that is such a good question. who am i. how do i first identify myself? by the way i look? by my title? am i what i do or what i am on the inside, what do i thinkYOU care about? which of these pieces. mostly, where i live LA,people first want to know what i do, they glance at my car and then maybe they'll want to know my name. most fabulous. thx gness i didn't grow up here in toxi-ville.

who i aM? obviously not a great speller, although i graduated college, cum laude. private university. i'm 25. tall woman. womanly.

what i really am? penetratably sensitive. organic, sometimes elegant. so i've been described. sober. spontaneous. artistic. selfish sometimes. giving other times. judgemental sometimes, completely understanding of life other times. i grew up in a crzed alcoholic fam, and my mom was nutz, dad out to happy hour for life. aaaa but this isn't who i am either. only a part. what do i want out of this world? happiness, adventure. love, connectedness. spirituality. which i think is a nice thing to know about myself now. that i don';t want primarily a list of "things". of course i have those too. i want a vintage car, travel, great job, partner.... but i already know what genuinely makes me content. and its precious, and freee. and so fragile. yet constantly available to me.

the playa playaa's:

B: the man that broke my heart in amilliion lilttle pieces

S or Stinky: the man i started to date immediately after to ease my precious ego.

crackasia: new friend, ex stripper

Rach: same, but she has much bigger boobs

Ali: friend icall her the mexican jew. not sure she's happy w/ that. she's very smart and interesting a tech head with a heart. a big liberal heart.

Lizard: my spacy friend who is boy crzy, and probably always will be. my spirit gets to play when i'm with her.

tonight i go to my first bar mitzva. i'm excited i hope to exploit the whole damn show and take as many pix as i can feel comfortable with. its always a study in human nature to me. today i thought of a new series that i want to do.

last night i missed my ex a lot. i was in something serious and he broke my heart in a billion little pieces, just when i trusted. but the lesson for me isn't to not trust. it's to stay open DESPITE life happening in my life. i thought about it last night. that life scars, oh i can't go there cuz of him, i can't do this cuz i tried it and got hurt. then my life would be so damn small. no it's about healing, feeling and expanding. humans are human. mistakes and hurt are inherant. i sometimes don't understand myself in this world. i thought myself to be so insignificant that i didn't matter. i have no idea about myself in this world, how i effect people. hurt people, touch people. change them. no idea. i am starting to awake to that. i don't know how others see me. i never thought i was thought of.

i''m really uncomfortable about an art show i have soon. it's like getting naked and asking people how do i look. my art is a reflection of the deepest part of me and i hate having that on show. but it has been a challenge for me to do it. to take it to the next level and see if i could live through it. i'm already starting to think that if my close friends aren't there i'll resent them for life!!! but then i also don't want to be the center of attention and have everyone there. what will i wear. it feels like a question of what will iwear to my funeral? cuzwill i really be there? will i be out of body an dout of mind? it is my fav part of the day now as the sunlight glances in my window and my cat dazing on the pillow and deangleo singing to me. i have so much. how could i of been granted w/ so much plentitude? just becuz where i was born and the way that i look? pain is relative i've learned. i tried to learn that in nepal as i saw all i saw. or that is just my abundance guilt of having more than others justifying it all cuz its unbearable. i yearn to travel, but sometimes i makes my sensitive heart ache something fierce. my last boyfriend couldn't possibly understnad this and that was the gap that lived angrily between us. he couldn't get this companssion for people, this deeper understanding. this quietly watching and thinking. taking it in, understandingthe quiet. the details. the pain and the unmistakeable joy. my favorite movie is american beauty written by allan ball and i want to meet him cuz i am mezmorized by the last lines in the film. its the only film i cry in cuz it is so beautiful about life.

even tho this x wasn't it for me, i loved him so fucking much. every thing about him, he's feet, his body, his nicknames. the ways he lived his life. his balance. the way he'd pat my leg on the cycle. the way he called me my name. the private things we had between us. now i have to imagine the private things he will share with another. it's life. it's the choice of taking a risk. i took an immense risk twice with him. once it worked and the second it didn't. i hurt so bad. i'll never forget those extremely exaggerated moments burned into my memeory that i am constantly trying to forget. hugging him, thinking to myself this is real and memorize the lines of his body crumbling before me, cuz i won't ever have them again. walking away, falling apart. crushing inside bursting into tears. next i remember my dad (0ut to visit for the first time, partly to meet him) and his partner bebe at my doorstep as i paralyzingly inched towards them in desperation, balling. breaking apart unwillingly. this pain would of been somthing i wouldn't have shared w/ my dad. but here i was w/out a choice. he hugged me not knowing what to say. but what was done was enough. then we all sat on the corner step and i could do nothing but cry. i had never remembered hurting like that before. the most imp man of my life killing me inside in front of what had been born to me the most imp man who had left me long ago and i had finally accepted dad. it was the first time of my life that i couldn't eat. at all. i lost 5 lbs.which was nice. i just knew it was over and there was no bargaining. how i knew this? maybe out of an immense pride to never go back after he told me he knew as we fell hopelessly in love and traveled together and planned together and looking at apartmts that i wasn't the one and he never thought that i was. those words pierced through me like nothing i've known. its good to write about. i want to get through this and heal wholely so that i can love as a whole person again. he couldn't, he had been to hurt by someone years b4 me. i don't want to live like that, w/ scars that prevent love. i remember when my dad was leaving the next monday morning that he & bebe dropped me off at work just to see it and all my buddies wanted to know how the weekend went that i was so worried about. the guy finally meeting my dad!! my dad!!! no one ever met my dad! i could barely look at any body. dad left and i got in two steps b4 i grabbed a friend and tookk him outside and fell apart again. it is a miracle that i was so close to so many at work. it was a home for me. i feltintimately close to many and it was the first time i was able to be plutonically close to men. so i had many brothers there that looked out for me and it killed to me tell them. i didn't know how to walk through my day, my legs felt cut off. i couldn't concentrate. i told my boss and cried again. i just sat in my seat and went through the motions. that was oct. dec i was layed off, as was most of the fledgling company. now i'm thinking why i am writing this for all too see? i always wondered what it would be like if people could read my journals. i got through it by love, people who held meand let me be broken down, i learned what it was like to let people really embrace me. once on a spiritual retreat i just crawled into bed with my friend and let her hold me while i cried and i never have done that. she's a very strong woman. surfing got me through cuz it reminded me of my own spirit. unbreakable. fierce. i get to paddle out the anger and feel the gentleness of the waves rocking my spirit into calmness, like a baby. community. a silent tribe. i got confidence in myself. i got to see it as a great metaphor of life. almost every time i go out into the surf i am scared, but i do it anyway. sometimes i am tossed around in the water and sometimes it is gentle. but it is all in my reaction to life. to the waves. typically when i get thrown by a hard wave, i'm mad at myself somehow and now i've started to realize that i am not responsible for the wave, only my reaction to it. i'm stinky and i need to shower for thisbar mitzva. i hope i get thrown up on some chair and shit.

cheers, and much love. hope you are able to notice today.

luke