2001-03-28 - 12:40 a.m.

and i'm thinking god i hope no one see's me walking down the street alone at 12.45am in my orange tribute to another era ski jaccket on a tuesday night. who walks ;in LA? hookers, homeless, you get the idea. no one else.

so why am i?

because i surely am the most stubborn human being to walk in size 8's. my friend lizard and i went to hear a hip hop orchestra. went well, lots of babies in the house. i amused myself w/ semi fantasies about an asian woman and a great looking female with black hair and side swept bangs. i wonder to myself am i sexually attracted to them, or do i just want to be more like them. do i like her in a narcisitic way, cuz she has dark hair like me?

I also had a crush on one of the rap guys, so as we were leaving and lizard was getting really impatient (after she was the one that really wanted to go, but i always find fuel for a baby). anyway, i detoured us to find this guy, while looking for him, i found another cute contender, so i was stalling. she got huffy and made comments ala "i'm not going to wait around and follow some guy around." wooo so i said and "you would" and i walked out, thinkin okay abondon efforts lets go. she thought i was stomping out. then she's like "u would?" and i go on appalled "yes, you are the queen of the crushes if anyone would know you would and i can't beliegve you are coming down on me"

soon this arguement escalates i tell her she's being sensitive and she's denying the queen of the crush throw. mind you, she has head over heal crushes i can't see straight, nor can i even focus on a word you are saying, type crushes. even wehn what i am saying is really an important thing. she says the magic words to me that she never fights like anyone like this, to me meaning that i'm the biggest most unhealthy freak. o then she did call me a freak and i jumped out of the car and walked home as she drove half the way beside me, whihc made me feel like we were lovers in a drunken quarel. no, she's not a lover and yes we're cold fuckin sober. embarrassed much?

all i'm thinking is, damn if my x drives by "B", i'll die. how would i explain this? oh she also said that i need to look at myself. yeah i do. i'm 25, ;jumping out of my friends car in a heated fight. she is my youngest friend, and almost all our conversations are about meaningless ventures, crushes, sometimes feelings etc. but i would expect drama from her. but me? what's my excuse. 25, sober. hello. and i'm getting in fights like this? it makes me so shameful. i'm still thinking she's wrong and ridiculous and she pushed it this way by being affended by my queen of crushes stuff. i didn't think she'd be offended, cuz she really owns that title. i feel blameful. but then i always have to look at what i did. and what i keep doing. i'm too fiesty. i picture mr. healthy x"B" and how he would never have this or be w/ someone who acts like this. that is why i convinced myself i wasn't good enough for him. and in my defense, in other ways, he wasn't good enough for me, ei. depth, insight. but he was healthy. he was the tix to healthy and now look at how immature i am. i've always been like this and friends have said the same, that they can never do anythign right w/me....blabla. i know i know. i knwo. but what do i do? i feel so in the right and so frustrated that its hard to say i'm wrong. i always want the other person to admit that they are wrong. i'm like my dad. he force feed blame as the big big victim of the world. and then i felt like that , i don't ever want to talk to u again, thing, i'm trying, just did call her. appologized, but said that we shouldn't talk about it right now. how 'bout never?

see when you drink yo get to brush it under the carpet and only bring it up again for another good drunken jab. i need to not bring up things again when they are done. when i get to these places, i just feel like, yup i can't have friendships. i'm not healthy enough. not enough. learned to be not enough. it's like i've been asleep for a while and flashes of why i feel this way come back. like the cats throw up in my moms room. neglected. she would leave it there and not clean it up, cuz she was so depressed. i lived like this, never wanted to have people over cuz my family was so unkept. nuts unpredictable. now it's all much better. one would never know. but it comes back even when i've fought to cut these old parts off, like a broken finger that i wanted to discard.

it's ridiculous. my parents fighting. my brother coming into my room for comfort. those family trips. that one at a cabin where all hell broke loose in a very large fight and i ran up to some hidding spot outside and my dad found me. that was the first night we had some family talk. progress. but this is how i know how to deal w/ things on the inside. when it gets real. now i wouldn't have this kinda uproar unless i wasnt' really close to the person,until we got to the visseral level, born of the insides, your baggage, my triggers. the real deal hangs out and i think it's an opportunity to learn and heal. and try it different. but i can't see my way. what i see is a bit that i just am inept. a "freek". not good enough to be a healthy friend. it makes me want to retreat. from her and all people. "B" killed my trust. now all i can be is cruel to guys that fall for me. all i like to do is push away and crave to pull into love. we all want love. iknow this. iknow i do.

iknow we all came from our varied pasts. but i feel mine to be really emotionally fucked up.not unique, just extreme in the fucked up ness. and i have broken many chains so far. and i still live behind some. i just had the distinct feeling when i was young that i wasn't loved. but somewhere inside i did love and felt there was something inside worth it. maybe that was a piece of the spiritual. it's the thing that made the fighting for myself worth it. the believing in myself when no one gave me any reason to. i was always called by my family a bitch. spoiled.

i remember courtney, my friend,that her family didn't want me over, that i was too latchkey and maybe my family was too fucked up. and trista my first very best friend left my school one day and no one told me why. later i found out my mom and her got in a fight. about what? i don't know. i felt not good enough to be around. maybe that is why i've surrounded myself around safer people. not outrageously successful people, professionals w/ a huge life. x-strippers (many of my friends). maybe cuz we're honest about our war wounds. my friend crackasia and i talk openly over a burger about all these things, about her molestation etc. shame? i always felt shame w/ my x. like i had to hide my past. never again! never. if my partner is right, then he or she can know it all. it was so charming the way my mom and dad met him for the first time (my x who came from some picket fenced world).

he was from a WEALTHY part of america. and old school, women don't work etc. so my wild ass mom slapped on her pearl's i didn't know she had, for the dinner. it was such a kind, suddle effort she made to tame herself for him cuz she knew it was important to me. i will never make them tame their nutty ass selves for anyone i'm w/. take it all baby. my dad when he came out rented a cadillak. sSOOOSOSSO NOT HIM. he's an x hippy, that hates big money. CADILLAK? he's more of a mustang man if he splurges. he was doing it for me and it was the most impressive thing he's done. so my folks and i are starting. it's so much better. but man do we all have a hairied past. they were so young, we all grew up together.

1.30am. work tomorrow. need to go to bed. i feel better,do you?

l,l