2001-03-25 - 06:07 p.m.

I'm in deep contemplation of whether or not to drive all the way to the despicable valley (smirking w/ much contempt) to go to this Oscar party I go to every year. It is a friend who is a writing/producer of a popular tv comedy show. i really don't want to go, but i'm thinking it would be good for me to be social and maybe i would meet the person of my dreams. damn plus i need a job, so i feel like i should show up. damn damn damn.

what do i want? to take a bath and cry. and clean my apartment and make lists of things and light candles and then convince orlando to let me photograph him with my makeup and clothes on. orlando is this goofy guy from london who ran up to me w/ flowers in the rain. we've hung out, i got borred. but i wanted only to take these pix of him. one in all his light hearted manliness and another dressed in my clothes in my makeup. i had him over to do it the other night, and he objected becuz he felt like i was blowing him off and only waNTED him to get the photo's. of course this is tru. i am selfish. what is so wrong w/ this? i didn't like to be called out on my selfishness quite like that. i like that we all walk around pretending to eachother. group denial. i'm kidding, in general, i had group denial, it makesme want to get naked and scream the truth. but when itcomes to my defects, yes lets all go into a thick of denial shall we?

i'm feeling sad, rather just tired. up till 3.30 and up by 9.30, then working on my photo website all day. i usually don't work on the weekends. scanning all the photo's.

i wonder if i could actually sit with this sadness tonight as my therapist would say. i wonder if i could bare it. not run from it. not eat it. not invite stinky over so i don't have to face it. ooo that is what i feel like doing, having him over to pad me, blanket me from my own feelings. and what is he? not always good for me. kinda like brownies. tastes great, fills me up immediately, hyper momentarily, leaves me empty and tired on the inside. seeking eternal things never works. only in immediacy.

cheers, l