2001-03-25 - 01:50 a.m.

i never know how or where to start and i have to get over that anyone will read this so that it can still be honest.

my ears are buzzing rendering themselves numb. numb like i wish wish wish my heart would be. damn it damnit damn this feeling business. i love simple inebriation. simple escape. momentary bliss, submerged in a liquad safety. safe from my feelings. safe from the feeling i have. a suddle burning. suddle becuz i blanket it and try to cover it up. burning becuz i am still not over the heart break i experienced w/ brett fivemonths ago. i saw his bestfriend tonight at a club and i can't say how i feel. i remember one night in vegas with brett when the music pounded so hard in this large underground club, that i started to have some attack. the beat dictated somehow the beat of my own heart and carried me, making me feel out of control. cold sober i was, it reminded me of something. maybe a coke filled night? i almost had a panic attack. we sat down asidean hewas so calm and so good and understanding. i was so in love w/ him it hurts to think about now. i want some bread. carb's sugar. ps i got schooled last night.more on that later.

i calmed down that night in vegas, calmed into him. i took pix of him. dark pix of his sexy sexy chin and teh way he was smoking a cigar and the way his hair fell into his face. i've never been so physically into someone as i was w/ him. it hurts now. why? i thought i was done hurting.i opened up so much, i risked my world. and now i know why people don't like to do that. hopefully i'll do it again. in that vip room, we sat back in the corner I sat on top of him and had sex. just as a thing to do to be done. to be devil may care. then we danced and i felt so protected and free. i loved that weekend so much. whenwe got back at the airport he called me by his last girlfriends name. the one that broke his heart. now i have the broken heart who will break anothers. and thelist goes on and on of broken hearts. where do we heal?

at the club tonight i ran into this great surfer who needs to get sober. his friend looks like a model growing wrinkles, he sleeps with men for coke only. he brought his poodle by the name of some fruit. thank god my ex wasnt' there only his friend. i don't know what i'll do if that were to happen. i'd be upset, and maybe still wanting somethihng from him. i heard he went travelling and doesn't know what he's doing with his mba life. pour richboy. that made me feel good, like he had a break down in all area's, that it wasn't all me. i've never ever been hurt like that. and i don't want to live my life protecting myself from the risk to be hurt again. cuz w/out that risk,i experience no true falling. aaaa that falling. like being upside down ontheswingset and dropping down as my stomach does orgasmic style spins. that falling where i get that this is the whole damnh point. the whole magic to the world. love in many forms. and that form is a .....brett what are you doing now? who are you w/? are you thinking of me? do u wish. forget it, if he wished to be w/ me again, he'd be asking, and there are no messages from his ass on my machine.

i saw something beautiful at the club and that was able to bring me somewhere safe while i saw the ex's friend. i sawthis brick wall and in the wall there was sunken in bricks displaying a glass. the formation was nice, artistic,simplistic. the lighting a subdued dark red, with some club limej-blue and spinning lights. i feel like taking laxatives and washing it all thro me. i feel like silenting myself somehow. and i'm wondering when this hurt will be really done. it subsides, but new levels uncover themselves. now there is jealousy, curiousity, wanting to see him. wanting some absolutely inaccessable piece of him. wondering why i couldn't have him love me completely. why he seemed to have his world spin upon his devotion to me and then be able to drop me down and move on. becuz i'm not the one. he's not sure and he thought he would be by then. fine i wasn't sure either, but damn i loved him.soo soo much. i want all these other things to quiet this feeling. my special snuggle friend stinky. bread. and i know that these outside things are so temporary. that somehow what i guinuinly need comes fromt he inside. i see so many people not even know what makes themtick and just toss it all away in a drink at night. lost to themselves. their feelings. it makestheir feelings saucy. liquad. i don't,am not doing that. because i have my dad's blood and i drink it into extinction. inebriation. so now i try to be filled with life. with the details and the beautiful brick wall and i hope that that is enough. becuz sometimes the calm from the liquad, hazy, drunk mind is so tempting. i've stumbled through that. i almost like the challenge of this. tonight i was just thinking how wierd it is that not drinking is a part of my social life. those are the people i hang out with. mostly sober people. we go to mtgs to help ourselves out. socialize. meet guysand that all seems phony to me. like the reason for mtgs are eskewed. dirtied and terribly geeky. i wonder what it would be like to be 'normal'. to have a normal amount of drinks with friends. go out. go home. wake up okay, not hung over, not shameful. not dark. just normal. life. i love sara mcclaughlin.

today;;;;

i ran a million miles a minute. and it was delicious, cuz i didn't have time to feel much. walk w/ friend, grocery shop, laundry, pic pix, fedthe homeless w/ 'ripe'. there was this one woman that when ever i see her i always get choked up. she has laughter dancing off of her like beads of water, lightly sprinkling everyone around her. she always wears strong black triangles of makeup above her eyes and it makes me wonder if she's sold herself on the street for something. but i guess that it wouldn't be for money or food or drugs. but out of routine. that is what you do, that is probably what ssomeone did to her early on and that is what she knows. today she had on blue bulbs on ponytales strung all over her black dusty hair. she's always smiling and although we are feeding her, i've been told that she always brings things to donate. shit she findson the street or buys w/ whatvever money she has. homeless people rarely scare me. no; drunk, blond frat boys scare me. scare me something fierce. homeless people, for the most part, seem to be silent nomads. passing along our lanes of insanity opting out of it, just to have their own sense of peace. i highly recommend seeing 'dark days' doc. about the homeless in the underground subways of nyc.

i have a friend that i need to shed. how does one do that? i did some writing on it and someone had pointed out that she has nothing but negativity to give to my life. she pissed me off today. stinky (guy i'm "dating" and trying to shed) was over today and he was putting on his shoes and she said oh do you want to sit down, motioning to sitw/ her on her chair, as if in my room he couldn't sit w/ me (the one he's fuckin dating) or another fucking chair! she is very strange to him and i think she has ill intentions and has a crush on him and SHE set us up and is dating his bestfriend. but she's done this w/ others and i have a fierce intuition. not to mention she has a hard time w/ my success, she always says sword like things that jab and stab in inocuous ways. why do i stay? cuz she took care of me when iwas in rehab, she didn't judge me. she buys me things. i guess i can be bought. haha.

i'm so tired and i have to,okay get to select pix for my friend to make my photo website tomorrow. i'm exhausted and i just want sleep,but i want inebriating sleep, where i am gone for a little while, like a bears hibernation.

cheers,l