2005-10-03 - 11:22 p.m.

hey.

i'm afraid i'm going to have to lock the shop up. my entire desktop has been opened up to
a. my new assistant
b. my bookeeper
c. the computer guy

and he confirmed that someone could see the "animal porn" that i view on line. i was trying to ask the q about seeing my online sites without revealing the why, otherwise i'm sure he'd look for it. seemed interested in my interests. staying five hours more waiting for me to get home to show me stuff.

it was a very. very.
very.
arduous day.

can we discuss?
let's .

cuz i have no one today to garner sympathies from, so get your poor ms ineb's out cuz i need it!!

so i get home last night and get a call from a client. the one i said that we had a long interesting talk. *the billion-godzillionaire*. his friend, also my client (who i think they have a wierd relationship) called to book it at 10pm. his back is out, "he'll make it worth your while." love to be told that. i did it becuz i was buzzed and i figured, i can't do my work work, so i might as well work and make some greenery.

it was actually a very nice session. we had another really enjoyable talk. he has enormous blue eyes. and an even bigger....
hehehe.
so i get home. i get into bed. sober at this point. and nautia HITS. like a tank. and i try the breathing it down, the letting it pass, the oh don't be a pussy, i'm too tired to get up....holy shit can i even make the toileeettttt...barf. spew.
sheer hatred errupted. thinking, how did i ever do this on purpose. it felt so bad. but it was diff than b/p. it was that horrid uncontrollable nautia where you just lay, beat up, next to the toilet, wondering if you are done. afraid to leave the reserve. within the first couple of painful, erruptive moments, i had that thought again...a thought i truthfully haven't felt before this brand new stage..."why isn't someone here to rub my back? i need someone right now."

and all day, all i've wanted is just a metaphoric rubbing of the back. a little love, a bit of sympathy. food poisening all night is not nice. then waking up at nine am after not enough sleep to a manufacturer talkinga bout bounced checks is double not nice. if i worked for someone else, this would of been the call in sick and go f. urself day.

i'm now so used to feeling like crying that i barely raise a tailfeather.

i've had the heaviest day, and i tell you, all i still crave is just one person to settle it in with me. to say, i'm so sorry honey, what a day! the only person i had time to call was my mom and she wasn't in.

i had bazillions of calls this morning, which sped me into the computer guy coming and then my assist coming and then next thing you know i'm wondering, hmm, we should eat lunch isn't it noon? one?

three. three and i had to leave for clients for appt's before four.

i left my "apartment" which will hence forth be refered to as the office, my bed? just a staging area for brief naps in between work sessions...
i left the office full of my assist shipping, my computer guy working and i had to run off. "make yourself at home, help yourself to anything, scrambled eggs, the fat cat...see you in a few hours if your still here!"

i wonder how they got on. my bookeeper is pissed at me. now that was a nice email to come home to after food poisening (after working on a client till MIDNIGHT NEARLY) And then working all day, till 8.30PM on clients, to come home to a pile of to do's. a pile. a very big...

aaaaaa. i'm so sorry. i feel. so. relentless in my expression of my exhaustion. embarrassed.

i have to say, throwing up was a real party. firstly, it felt horrid. the nautia, flattening. plus we have my scar to worry about and the medication i'm on...you can start seizing if you throw up. triggers something. but i'm still alive. i probablly did seize, but i was too tired to give a spew.

man today i worked on this guy...btw, i worked really hard on the people today. they really needed it. i felt like i wanted to give them everything. i felt this immense love. this breaking down. coming to me, needing something. wanting to come down.

this guy had a great scar up the back of his head. we exchanged scars. he had had a hemorrage. was paralyzed for a while. hospital, no insurance. a sheer, real miracle that he's even here. we just had these elongated human moments. this understanding and deep level of compassion that only happens when two people have experience similar things. what people say about our scars. how we are treated, how everything changes. i gave him everything i had. everything i could. i think he knew.

:*)

there's been a real presense of the c word. starting with my friend who called who is fourth stage. then an article about a woman with a ovary cyst. then last night's client brought up his two best women mentors who both have had, have, one died with breast c. sequentially, several days. it's uncomfortable. slightly. i cried for a while after talking to my friend.

oh, btw, as *if* today couldn't beeee anymore monday, this morning i feel a cold soar on my lip.

yes. indeed. severe bodily stress errupts them. the barf-o-rama must of caused it.

my new assist continues to blow my mind. she's great and i barely have time to integrate her. it's seriously drop and run around here.

something about the cycles of this job has to change. something has to shift, i can't keep running like this. hopefully i can afford to ease up my schedule with help.

i'm so not looking forward to tomorrows clients. the ones in malibu. sometimes when i feel this pressed, they are the utmost last two human beings i want to be around. listening to their absorbed complaining about the millionaire lifestyle while i am working 80 hours a week and stressing about money. she is the most guileless human being. crys about not having purpose. well i fucking wonder! when your whole worth centers around your body,,,,,venting...

speaking of...i didn't have time today to tell off my last assistant .

i didn't even have time to get any sympathy from anyone. and to tell you truth, the list of those who are gentle, sympathetic is very short.

i'm so pissed about hte x assist. it just sent a whiplash of adreniline through my heart. like when you suddenly remember something really unpleasant that you have to face. like a confrontation. whipped through me. i'm quite uncomfortable about it. i guess its effecting my ego. i just feel so used. like she thought she could just pull the wool over me and i'd let her. she has no fucking idea. i don't know *how* to give her the benefit of the doubt, or if i should even bother. i wonder how lizard would. she always does. i am not that girl. my boxing gloves jut up the instant i smell rot. i give no thought for origin.

where someone's coming from.

like today, thinking about this great guy. the one who had the trouble with his hemorraged situation. he came in, was slightly misfired. unconfident. about hearing what i said. i think his hearing is still effected. he used to play bball, ride a motorcycle, ski. nothing now. now if i just knew what everyones issue is, their hemmoraging story, i'd have compassion. i'd orient them somewhere i can get. but instead, i only see what they sometimes display..bad behavior, fear, aggression. if i could see, feel beyond that...
if i could see that they were a little kid, with big, trusting eyes that got hurt like all of us did.

can i do that for myself too? i need it right now..i need the big arms of something incredibly nurturing to just hold me. hold me into a sleep. like a night you are sick or have nightmares and your mom just holds you, slightly singing you to sleep. not like i've ever really experienced that, but i sorta did. i know what that must be like.

i felt so much love today. at this office i worked at. i know everyone there pretty well and like each of them. respect. care for them.

ooo u guys. i don't want to work. but i get yelled at by my bookeeper if i don't get her what she needs, and my showroom people and buyers and and and...one tear falling cooly off the side of my right cheek.

i can't think of a soul i can call. everyone asleep, or not someone i can get comfort. that's where i crave sugar. sugar i don't have in the house.

i can understand again the powerful feeling from throwing up.

the steely, tight, hard feeling of my stomache. the sensation of emptiness.

looks like i need to take some time to myself again in the morn, i have to regenerate. i have to force time out of thin air. i jsut don't know how people do this. .....

so let me know your emails so i can do the password. is taht how we do it? or do i give you my email? a few of you have it...
the user name will be:
inebriate

and the rest i'll tell you personally or cryptically. then i'm sure i'll forget and i'll have to email you to email me my own gd password. :*) that's usually the way i do.

YOU HAVE GOT GOT GOT GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I SIMPLY THGOUTH IT COULDN'T COULDN'T GET WORSE.oooo but it did. my asshole disgusting drug dealing ratty abandoning dad neighbor is having sex all night. 12, then again at 2 and again at 4. if he saw him or smelled the rank "incense" that emminates from his fifteen years of rat living, you'd also want to die at the sound of his yucky night time stuff. stuff is the best i can call it. just disgusting, not someone you want to imagine having sex. lizard and i always cringe. i think he even does it with the kids in the room. or barely in the other room. one bedrm apartmt. used to have a family of four. yes. really. now you think i live in the ghetto! hehe. he's just a vestigate of a different phase in my neighborhood.

what more man? what? another barf session? another round of bounced checks. all things minor in the wake of real challenges. but when your enduring these "little" irritations, its feels like the straw that breaks.

i promise at some point i'm going to talk about fun, exciting nearly naked adventures of the ecclectic kind. :*()