2005-09-29 - 10:31 p.m.

good evening my friends.

i hired a the new person.it's not until now that i've been doing it all myself and have the whole wide world of potential with someone new that i realize just how much i didn't like the other one.

she had such a sense of entitlement and i'm still sussing out her mistakes.

i had no idea how much i love "heart". crazy on you. cuzz i'm crazy crazy crazy and then "magic man". and all our favorite and my friends custom phone ring when i call, "barracuda." i walked to the gym tonight, just got back and had those tunes going on. stomping through the paved tongues of the night. piss alley (the homeless area where they live out of a boarded up school bus and the entire street is warm with the smell of pee). i walked down an alley and this dog the size of my brother came charging out of a fence and hustling towards me. i burrowed into myself, thinking if i backed up, i may not die. then the oh shit meter went on when i thought of how much fear reeked off me. his "owner," a muscle man came out and grabbed the dog by its main with all his might. it was at this point that death was imminent. turned out to be friendly. the guy was just taking him...wait this story is so borring huh? anyway, this is the first time in my life i've been afraid of a dog. in an alley. at night. in a hood know for its crack corners.

i have had a bottomless hunger for the calm, repent, release, and lashing that food gives me. right now, i want a second serving of dinner.

busy called at midnight last night and guess who played the part of a big girl and didn't pick up???

but then the curiousity of why he called burned like indigestion for several long insomniac moments until i passed, coma style and dreampt of roads too verticle to climb and waves too thick to surf. beauty and fear.

therapy was adorable today. crying about not being able to let good in. crying about good. nice.

the girl i hired is coming by tomorrow with our second day of training. here's the thing, i was physically SHAKING when i offered her her package.

i was actually shaking with adreniline and nerves. i just have the most missed sense of entitlement. like this is all pretend and who am i to hire someone and like i'm making it all up and i even feel guilty, liek i'm fooling her. which is sorta insane, as i pay every two weeks a rate that's pretty normal plus milage and bonuses and one hour paid for her to volunteer if she likes. i'm just so fucking, achingly shy about this.

it is painful. to a debilitating degree. i feel like an imposter. i feel like it's all made up, like playing pretend when i was little and i just convinced someone.

grace, do you manage people ? how do you do it? how do i feel comfortable telling someone what to do. i feel so shy and shameful. past stuff. becuz this biz is all me. and at the heart of me is this self esteem "issue". when i've worked for others, i *loved* to boss people around , had no real prob with it. and she's just my assistant and i warned her about doing personal errands and driving all over town and hating life. but i feel uncomfortable giving her these tasks. i also mostly give more fun work stuff. and can't wait to see if she's capable to take on more, which i know she is. so then i feel even wierder asking her to go get my tire changed.

becuz btw, i had a near death on the ten freeway. going ninty-some. fastlane. flat tire right as i was trying to tell off the residual 24 yr old i had accidentally accumulated becuz i felt miffed about busy when we got back.

i know. sigh.

so it's late at night, finishing my day of work, pulling off and as it turns out my silly car had some road side assistance. well i never. this guy came and changed it and was so nice, risked life and limb two inches from speeding cars. then we had to act all andretti and bust back into fast lane traffic. he was like one of those guys in those army/navy commercials, convincing your latin own to die for a country that rarely supports them in return. but he didn't have that stern look in those "prowd" commercials, he had the warmest heroic look with sparkling eyes. humanity. comfort. greese in every crease. beauty. kindness just waiting for receipt.

i'm feeling so self conscious about bringing the hire into my apartment. i mean, it's just my place. i've got wierd art photo's up and it's always in a state of tornado. and it's small. and i'm shy about it all. like i should have it together and be working out of a home with a wealthy husband or something like that. most designers in town really launch that way. wealth, names, families. she's working for one of them on saturdays who is out of malibu and has lots of married money. i just hustle. hard. and beg for low interest loans. and my dad has fronted me a line of credit, with interest. just like a bank. but it's not enough. and i'd never ask for more. i don't want him to take on that much risk. oo jezuz i have so many bills due right now. and i have an order that i have to get out and i'm really nervous cuz it has to be near perfection cuz it's the order that is the biggest buyer and he sent the last round back. so this is the second appology try. pressure. there's only so much i can do. and today a major receivable for 7g's didn't do their fucking accounting right and has only paid 2, LATE. and then the guy in nyc in their accounting said it was probably my fault. then suddenly he gets back on the phone and says he'll take care of it and starts flirting and asking about where i live etc. wtf was that all about. telling me some elongated story about staying in my town for a brothers wedding and some celeb this and that blabla. great...man..give mama her monnneeeaaay. sheeet.

i feel so borring. nothing to tell you about trists, sex...

okay here's something we can all roominate on while i consider making the second serving of pasta. four cheese tortallini with vodka cream sauce that's just silly it's so good.

wtf. people on the radio are fucking talking all about making an emergency kit now. "to prepare for the big one." ei. the big quake. like LA's next up for the blockbuster tragedy.

i'd rather not.

but i have thought a lot about emergency kits. about how to cart two cats in an emergency. about traffic in LA. escape.

k sorry ADD..back to the only story about the only vestige of sorta excitement i can muster up...
so did i mention ...wups. i just looked back, i already mentioned about the extremely hot, sweet girl in the last entry. there's nothing more to say except that's the only pot i have on the fire. and i love just keeping that kettle warm.

i took the entire day off to help cat move. we had a couple of hired latvians that helped. and this time they didn't have bad b.o. really nice guys. such specificity as human beings. as if the cohen brothers wrote their quirks. those are the details that i fall in lvoe with in life. just watching, loving, taking them in.

lizard stopped by the other night, i bought her her favorite... apple pie. she seems good.

i'm slightly overwhelmed. pressure. i feel so appologetic that i feel like that's all i say. you know this is relavent to whats going on....i didn't always used to be like this. i'm frowning.

guess what?

i'm feeling really ready.

tickled.

ready.

filled up, as if i just know it's to come.

:*) i'm feeling really wierd and self conscious. right now, with my 'assistant' i feel wierd saying that. i felt the same way in therapy too.

ya know, when i was little, if i wanted anything, anything at all, if i had any needs, i was told that i was a spoiled brat. a bitch. sometimes a bit violently. but arms never hurt like words that carve the way you think about yourself for years to come. so i have a real aversion here. i feel liek i won't be liked if i have things. if i speak out loud. i'm terrified inside about it. locked up slightly. :*) and so that's all she wrote.
btw, i didn't go with the second dish of pasta, i went with two cups of cereal. crispy wheats. my downfall. bowls and bowls and bowls with real milk, don't pussy me out with that water in a grey white.

i hope u are well. it will be nice to sit again and read u. it's usually during my food/relax from work break. since i don't have a tv...often, besides my book, you're the only break i get!