2005-09-04 - 12:49 p.m.

oh u guys. myyyy lord. thats the last bday i ever celebrate publically again.

i am def leaving the country on every othere hence forth.

it was unbearable. my cheast hurt with sheer angst the entire time. even wild turkey couldn't unwind it.

there's so much to say.

rewind.

the actual bday night was good. cat/boyfriend and lizard and i went down the street to this really cool new sushi place. they didn't make me go for crickets. i'm too transparent, i think they could tell i was less than thrilled. my friends always know where i'm at with things. the night was great, mello good conversation, then lizard and i drove to santa b. the next day we did the sweat. there were 30 people at the sweat. which is unusual. sometimes there is only 4.

it was a very confrontational one. this one guy took up all the space, physically, metaphorically, emotionally, and it was just like what happened all my life. so it brought out a lot of anger in me and a few others. it got raw. it was something i really need to deal with. it's that sensation of anger for my brother. particularly because of our falling out during the surgery. surgery. that still trips me out right there. ya know trying to explain the sweat is like trying to explain love. or the color blue to a blind person. you have to experience it.

it's always pretty powerful. i wanted to let go of my anger. of the self and judgement of others. hopefully i let go of some of it. the intention and the heat pulling it from me.

so the party. it was at this incredibly kitshy log cabin place and the effort my friends went to was just silly. cat had the bartender make a drink in my name, it involved ginger and wild turkey. tasted amazing, and shot you straight to the wind in less than twenty. she had made homemade cupcakes. my other friend made goodie bags, there were pinatas, another brought a cake.

so i was feeling extrodinarily self conscious. it was that painful first people who arrive and it doesn't feel full and you wonder if everyones having any fun. then there was this two hour long pregnant pause as the stripper disappeared and they were getting a new one and then she disappeared. i pulled lizard over and was like, just cancel her, i can't imagine getting stripped at right now pleaze, she's like are you sure it's okay? i said pls yes. her bf walks up, "she's here." aaaaa boy. so i'm put on a stool i make some brit boys sit near and my friends everyones giving me dollar bills. i'm paniced with shyness. cheast clenched. can't take it. at one point tho the wild turkey spoke for me and i stood up danced and slapped her ass, she was a full touch lady. all over the place. then all of the sudden i'm thrown on the floor by her and she's on top of me and i'm having a laughing heart attack and hoping my own breasts don't pop out of my shirt, but of course they would. becuz darlings i thirty and they fall too far to the side to "pop" out front and center.

now that's age.

so after the mortification, people sorta skatter as its been a few hours coming and there weren't a ton of my friends the way it normally is. most all of the importants, but i have a tradition of friends that come ever year and i'd say half weren't there. i kept thinking of more thro the night. it's a holiday wkend, but it felt wierd. and busy came late and was watching the strip, but not attentively enough.a nd then we were huggy hugg and i think anyone could see how star crossed i was for him. just wanting nothing more than to run away wiht him. i think he might of thought i would of, then he heard a friend talking about going out more, and i being protective got into the game and said we were going out, do you want to come. he was going to, but then backed out. i asked if he wanted me to come over later and he said y, if your on this side of town, no ifyour on yours. i called at 3 and he didn't pick up. i don't know if he was being protective too, but it hurt. felt like that rejection. i was trying not to go there, cuz i could of ended up with him, and it was almost all i wanted, but my therapist put the kabosh on it. saying it's self destructive and will only lead to hurt.
yyy.
i know.
still, there's this pull that's larger than me.

and to boot, my friends who met him for the first time said it didn't equate, that he's not to my standard or something. that he's got a belly was all my friend would say, i don't see it. i ssee nothing but how much i love him. like one of those stupid girls. but when he gives me just enough, it fills me. whihc i know is not healthy. i just want to spend a night with him. i miss him and i want to get it out of my system somehow. last night he gave me the sweetest gift. he bought a ton of books that were specific to something i needed, like he gave it thought. it was so sweet. and then he gave me num chucks.

so i felt tortured all night. wondering if the party was fun enough...shyness and then busy.

after the stripper, cat wanted me to do the pinata, but it felt so forced, so we tore it open. i feel bad, she did so much effort. it was so sweet. and lizards bf hand made a whole huge birthday box that the lady jumped out of. how sweet is that?

i don't know what to do.

there was this one guy there, a british guy, seems like an adult. we didn't talk that much. i was hip pocketing him. didn't want to make too much a fool of myself. fraid that damage is done. irrevocable. so if he can't hang with the pro's then fuck him. buttt, he was. well. i think i'm trying to hard now. like i'm skampering for a something. something meaningful. now that i'm finally over the youngs, now i'm spinning to find evidence that something else does exist. like i need proof, fast. before hope dissolves.

did i tell you that little P actually did the sweat with us? i couldn't believe it. i had no idea she was ready for soemthing like that. and she stayed all four rounds. i was simply floored. it was the best gift. to have lizard and lill P there. who am i to question this bday?

i just got so self conscious. i couldn't let it go. i guess i'm still learning my lessons. growing up. trying to let go of what isn't good for me. trying to let all of the importance i feel and heat i feel for busy to subside. i want to go over there. i want one night. i want to be in the face of it to let some of the air out, to see how much of this feeling is just intense illusion. it's only intense to the very degree that he is totally illusive to me. sso completely limited. even when he's awake to me, by my side, he's tired, spent, distracted... but the tenderness between us, the similarity, familiarity gets me in it's clutches, and squeezes.

thx for being on the adventure and for the well wishes. i really have needed them. :*)