2005-08-02 - 1:48 p.m.

holy shit. thank you so much for the writings. i feel such a delicate, irreplaceable initmacy here. i'm so comfortable and trust so much the people that read me.

i'm at my coffee shop eating and i'm feeling nervy about needing to write, needing to squeeze in work and the son that works here (they are like family), just sat down and said his wedding this saturday has been called off. the relationship went pummeling down at once. the entire italian family involved. poor thing. i can tell it's weighing heavy on him.

i'm feeling shy. blushing. there's so much going on. i just keep my eyes to the road and moving forward through my tunnel. i remember i used to have more light. more happiness in general. i'm still happy, but the weight of responsiblity pulls at me. i'm concentrating on nothing else. i wake up to a call that can't wait that leads to an email that leads to five more calls then it's two.

i need ineb time. i need ten minutes in the morning. i need solace. i need writing. i need to exercise.

i recovered from my obsurd evidence of humanity the other night. i've been sticking to two only. and imperfectly two pages.

last night was wierd. this asshole agent who i'd known years ago and claims to have held a crush for as long was trying to steal time. but then he was taking cuts on me and negative and aggressive on the phone and i felt as if, where the fuck is my barometer. i have such a curiousity of people that i let all kinds mix in. i give skattered pieces of myself to too many people. i need retention. i need self. centering. so i cut him off at the pass and was immediately grateful to have the night to play.

just like in art period when you were little and somewhat free. i played with beads and chain and feathers and made something i think i really like. it's very telling of my roots. of growing up in colorado. in a suburban town. of going to new mexico a lot. going to reservations. immersion. exploration. rocks. minerals.

then i was playing with the clay that cooks and turns into sterling silver. i know, gather that. i wouldn't normally tell, but i'd love for you to play with it and make things to wear. create. PMC buy at wholelottawhimsey.com

i was making a wierd earing thing that turns out i like it, then my friend, the one from long ago who i went rock climbing with, came by. we need to name him. not sure if i named him ever. we're going to call him eaglerock.

i've known him for seven, eight years. i dated his friend who since has become disappeared who can't get off the pipe long enough to know what he's become. he was always slightly too much in a centered way. in his own way. in a way that i felt to really be with him i might have to leave my world completely and enter his. he grew up on set. works on set. never associates himself with what he does. didn't own a car for years. biked across town, rented. walked. travels the world. i get calls from some mountain top telling me about the color of the sky. machetting through the chiapas. he's tender, sweet, generous, sensitive. he won't conform. he hates the spin of LA. of those who try to be accepted for all of the outside stuff. he doesn't gell, to a fault. to a social solace. he has judgements and edges about life. conformaty, white men. which he is, white. he has an incredible body, he's always found bouncing across rocks, skimming the ocean on a kayake. surfing. i think we never came together because neither of us had enough esteem to recognize the beauty in the other. his beauty scared me. it reminded me of all the faux living i'd have to give up. nothings ever normal with him. he won't celebrate xmas. the only time he did was when he believed in what he gave, which were orchids. he won't take a woman on a date, doesn't believe in marriage. we would always play together. but i always felt like i was dancing around parts of myself. hard to explain. one day i worked on him, massage. and i knew he was just dating this woman, the first ever. we always kept it a bit loose, would snuggle, but never kiss. i never wanted to. but i loved the touch and go intensity. the joining. but it was always too immeshed, i would pummel, have to extricate and come together again.

there was a period where he said we are meant for eachother and i just have to see it. i thought he was just another guy giving me a line. he said how much he liked me. i couldn't believe it.

i was working on him, i knew he was putting up barriors within himself with this woman. i felt him to be a brother, i felt my brother there lying before me, not letting in love. not believeing in worth. i started to cry, it was too powerful. i told him he has to let it in. i think it freeked him out.

he started to get really close with her. and he disappeared from me. i lost him. i lost a kindered spirit. i wondered what i did.
and now, just recently they broke up and he stumbles into my life.

he had cut me out completely. he appologized, said it was sensitive to her. he couldn't have any outside friends that threatened her.

what i realize is i was the bargain. the trade, he traded his relationship with me in order to get her to rid of her past relationship that threatened him. she had dated this famous film guys son. a man with a large life of entitlement. he was so threatened by this x, by his life that had been handed to him, by the fact that that family jetted her around the world when she was young. i feel like i put together the math, i got traded out for his insecurity.

it kills me.

when we rock climbed, i was staring at him and there was this intensity. when he first came to me nights ago, we stayed together. we've never had sex. but we held eachother. looking into the eyes as we joined, kissed. he couldn't sleep by my side. has never been able to sleep near me. always too awake. so he left. i look into his cat green eyes laced with long black lashes and i wonder if i've missed the one. that one.

he came over last night. for comfort. he had been spiralling down from the drama of her. from the hurt. she's now working for that guy. he feels so abandoned. irrationally so. he had been doing a little blow. we talked. it stung to hear how much he loved her. how much they had.

i wasn't ready then. i didn't know what was standing before me. i don't know if i'll ever be ready and i don't know if he is right. he's so strict in his requirements for living. i feel like i'd have to hide or leave the silly candy coated parts of myself for a life of total tender reality.

he was over talking about it. i feel like he's trying to work through his thing so he can continue to love her. i didn't dissuade him. i told him he has to work through his thing, that it will come up here or in the next.

then he said, even with you i was never jealous and i felt the same. he felt in love. he had felt the security of who cares if she's with ben, at some point she'll be with me. i had no idea it was that real for him. i hadn't let an ounce in. i didn't know how. i didn't believe anyone could feel anything for me.

i felt terminally sad. at my core. but i kept working. playing with my clay. i couldn't rise. i couldn't feel the fluidity. i couldn't entirely feel that i had been loved. he said he waited for years, always hanging around.

but now what? his heart is strung by her.

i'm just the bargain, the trade, the friend he goes to for rebellion and comfort.

i told him to feel the sweetness in his life of knowing that no matter what, what is right will evolve, no matter how we fight it. if he's meant to be with her, there's no diffusion or confusion that could keep him.

or us.

i was thinking.

sorta.

i'm so sad.

we were talking about rock climbing today. i had really wanted to see him before he had called and came over, but i intuitively thought, let him come to you. he's a butterfly. he needs the effervescence of his wings. as do i.

i know i love him.
i've always loved him. as a friend, as a brother. but now there has been there sparks. they were possibly always there but now there is a home with in me for them to ignite and land. i feel myself to be this woman before him, knowing more, having more room. wanting to see whats there between us.

that night we tumbled together he felt guilt. he felt intensity. said that it's just after all these years there's still that connection. i wouldn't let us do much physically, i didn't want him to hurt the next day. punish himself. i didn't want to be a piece of his reason with her.

i think i'm just going to give this thing a lot of air. a lot of room. i really want him in my life. i want to tell him that it's unfair i got traded. i want to tell him about this realization. i want him to know i stand before him real. i'm not going to tell him my feelings. i think he needs to breath and let resolution happen. i risk loosing him again. of course i don't control it either way.

and the additional fact is, if he was ready, unscathed, i am not sure i have the maturation within me yet to know how to value him. i think i still protect myself with the dispersion of being with others. busy might be taking me away. i want excursions, explorations. i'm not sure i could even concentrate on altering my entire life. but there are a few things i need to know from him, if he respects my character, if he feels i'm true and not tampered. in all other respects i have to put my singular desires aside and be here for him and minimize confusion.

i just hope he doesn't fly away.