2005-07-22 - 6:50 p.m.

i just polished off the light cheddar puffs, but it had all natural ingredients. thats what you get when you buy binge food from whole foods.

i had a great time the other night. with the exception of becoming excessively inebriated. i went with a friend last minute to the hussle and flow afterparty. there was krunk dancing and gold teeth and excessively fun people. i went with busy. then went home with busy. we hung out becuz he's out of town for our weekend date. and in fact mta wanted to hang out tonight and i haven't heard a thing from him. and he was so insistent. what a pussy. what a punk. i already have a plan b and c well into effect.

i met with a pr team for the biz. i really want to 'hire' them. but i've got to convince them to make their fee extrordinarily low first. could be really good. i'm really behind on work, on the orders. i'm shipping late. still relatively on time, but late by my standards. and i'm feeling shitty about it.

okay i'll cut the crap, i was working at this company today doing massage and i worked on this guy that i worked on a year ago and had a mad crush on. back then i filed him away for the day i'm ready to meet someone right. i have about three guys filed away in this category. one in sf. him and shoot i can't remember any oh yeah and this other one in LA, but i don't like that he's too entrenched in parts of the city i can't entirely respect. not sure if he's too drenched in it. so this guy. so a year ago he had just gotten out of something. so it was too fresh and i wasn't ready. today i was so awkward, i caught a fierce case of shyness. i couldn't talk and i felt so ridiculous. for some reason i felt so protective over still doing massage like i wanted to prove that i'm up to other stuff. but i was back then too and i feel like he'll think i haven't progressed if i'm still doing just this. i'm silly. there's nothing wrong with a career in bodywork. but not when i'm not interested in it. so check this out. we are talking about how he wants to move and then about how i want to move...
fuck this i want to take a nap. i can't even finish a thought. jezuz and we're trying to explain to me that this is normal? normal?
so the guy is coming to see my apartment as he's interested in taking it over. so i'm going to dress as adorably as humanly possible and still remain casual and i hope i'm more spunky and talkative then today. but forget it. i'm too freeked out. he won't call. and if he'll come by i'll act stupid and he'll sense it and then leave and we'll never speak again. could you imagine if we just combusted and made out in my apartment. i'm very attracted to him. and in a good way. a healthy way. he's healthy. and tall and makes me feel smaller. not like these boys. hmmm.
need to eat cereal and get horizontal. :*) can't wait to tell you how it goes. send me good vibrations for it.