2005-07-20 - 1:39 a.m.

i'm sure that was a depressing last entry. so i'll buffer it with this. not to be gaurenteed to be any less of a downer.

but things have gotten strange. out of the clear blue all of the last round of forget me not boys that i cut off the payroll and let become friends are swinging back into my line of vision.

already told you that mta has apperently reserved friday night with me. and now "busy" just put sat night up for auction. busy and i dated a bit ago and i preserved the situation as friends. he is an incredible friend. one in the crew whom i went to florida with for the elections. i respect him. but he's the type of type a successful creative guy who can not, can not be alone. so he pads himself with women. it's much better to be his friend. except under the current 'it will go no where' rules i actually enjoyed our affair. i trust him. it was easy going. lush. comfortable. i'm trying to justify our alledged faux date sat night. because i want to be taken to dinner and forget myself with someone i trust. its so much easier for me right now to play it that way then to burst and climb and challenge myself with someone new.

fuck that.

i'm on a new temp plan until i can free up a bit: it's plan friend or female. i will hence forth only fool with trusted friends or females. but not trusted friends who are females. ever. the thing of it is...i'm just trying so hard to stay afloat, that i can't do much else. and only those details if they happen to fall into my lap. it's so amusing, that energy thing of when i'm truely not vested. truly retaining no expectations or little hopes how they come waiting at the door, wanting the crumbs. i shouldn't even be dividing my time like that. i will only do it if it falls into "needed break," "needed booze," or "needed meal," segment of my time.

i feel so guilty, i am so disorganized, or behind, or over confident about how much i can cram into one day that i keep having to push things back with the girl that works with me. i rush everyone then make them wait for me to catch up. freekin fruck. i just can only do so much. i'm so curious to see if i'm actually making any money. if this whole thing is actually working. someday i'm sure to find out. :*)