2005-05-09 - 8:09 p.m.

thank you so much jumbly. it is true. it's so great to hear people relate, makes me feel so less foreign to this sometimes uncomfortable world.

i'm really irritated with this one friend, the *turk*. who knew she'd ever irritate me. she's the one everyone falls for and i'm sitting here honestly wondering when the fuck they'll catch on to the blaring fact that there is nearly nothing behind the beautiful face but a spout of depression and an opinionless, bland actors life.

sorry. i'm hurt. she's gone "behind my back" and made friends with my friends. how high schooled am i? but it's awkward. i love when my friends i love mix. i'm an introducer, a fixer upper. but i don't like the particular friend of mine that i had to let go of that she now mixes with. it's the one that is the most superficial human i've ever met, and thus had to cut loose. and now i hear the mta stopped by turks work while out with some chic and a group and *now* now that she's called him to invite him to her film opening that i'm supposed to go to, saying that i'll also be there. fuck her. fuck him. fuck them *all*.

fuck the crust that breeds just above this town. this crust of see-through people who are worthless seekers who would toss you aside for the next pretty happy perky in line. the crust that all flew in last week from some small town to finally be seen. and the crust that capitalizes on these cotton-candy kids, in the form of "agents," "directors" who give to shakes for the craft and merely want to be in a power position to be seen, get more laid and snub everyone else.

i want to smoke cigarettes and i know that's not good for my scar.

thank god everything is good with electro. i don't think i could take one more self created oddity. the whole affair makes me love and trust him even more. like a girlfriend who passed the "show up" test. we joked in emails today about one big fake held back kiss xoxo. i feel like that bunny has been made real and set free in the garden. and i "need" the comraderie, with this held off sensation about my brother, i need the connection with a good guy. i need to know that they exhist.

what is wrong with me today. this morning i could barely be roused. i don't know if it's mild depression, or just overly tiredness interprited as depression.

i drug through the day with the most violently self hating voice that i kept trying to supress, like smuthering someones voice with a blanket. i couldn't smuther it, that alone just somehow made me more angry. so i plodded through the day until i could stand it no longer and i just got up from a nap that i hardly wanted to rise from. i just feel vile. i've fallen easily back into my judgement over how "i'm not getting enough done." you should see my daily list of what i think i should get done. i'm totally unrealistic in an effort to do it all and yet i buy into the fact that i should be able to do it all, then i get overwhelmed and feel like a failure. nothing is ever enough. i think i either get manic or collapsive under my instigated pressure and expectations.

i called back mta and chided him for being treating me so irrelevently this last two weeks, which he took bad, i was jokingly bringing up his saying he'll call then calling late and being flakey ever since the kiss and get naked session. and he said you know the kind of week i've had and he was irritated or put off or really stopped by me saying something so girlfriendish... but it all just feels different and i liked it better before. where it was just some safe mystery. now i genuinely feel angry right now cuz he left me this message saying jokingly, what was that about, you were all angry and how he wants to catch up and blablabla oo and wondering if i'll go to the turks fucking film thing. i want to out of sheer curiousity. but i want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. i guess i feel as if i am not always authentic. certain people give rise to only pieces of my personality, lets say the superficial fun slice. and i ride with them on that piece alone. but then i get exhausted by their exorborant characteristics and how overwhelmingly, vastly against my inner core they are. i pretty much can accept everyone in their various developmental stages and humaness, but i can't really take too much LALALand superficiality anymore. it's my fault for swimming in it, and that's probably where i'm more frustrated, with myself. they can go ahead and drown in the cestpool, but i ask, why am i there? this isn't where i belong. wtf. "the fuck" as v would say. i love that.

so i'm irritated with mta for this message he left tonight. and okay, we can always follow the pointing finger back to *me*. and my utterly failable humaness....i'm angry cuz it was today that i realized that the very first time i met mta was just like every day since. and that i was hooked by the rejection from day one. thinking the thing i can't have, that is just so illusive, *must* be more valueable. must be what i need to prove some nebulous thing to myself.

the first night, we gave eachother some eye balling, then i spent the night obsessing on how someone who gave me looks wasn't
a. making a move and was
b. making moves on others.

and what do we f.ing know currently? yeah. i know.

humph.

we had only met cuz i was out for a cigarette when he was leaving and made it easy cheesey sleazy. hhhhhhhhrgggg.

so this is just what i've manifested, completely of my own magical devices, having little or nothing to do with him. he's just a pawn for the repetitions of my humanness.

*&* there have been others. ben. for example. one long ass year long painful inebriating, intense example, for example. i'm glad your with me on this. i'd feel so alone otherwise.

i feel thick!

i feel like, how could of i missed this. truth be told i intellectually knew this with ben, that i picked the unpickable and perpetuated this rejectionable sensation and would claim to him that i only want to be with someone who desperately wants to be with me. i was needing to say this out loud to somehow convince myself of this. two years later, i'm depressed to say, i've had no progress. the carbonation is just barely bubbling up to my surface. hell i had it more right years ago with that guy i was with and broke up with when i started this journal. he did want me and i did every thing to push him away.

god damn it. god damn it.

i just feel over it, and yet i still don't know any other way *to* be. each and every time i would eventually, sometimes courageously, extricate myself from the goo of the situation, only to tumble into a new one, with a new name and a new reason he couldn't fully love me.

i'm so ready. ready to be done. head over heels done. and i'm sorry you've had to hear me talk endlessly about this. i'm just trying desperately to cement it.

but h o w?

just cut them all off? i couldn't unless it was authentic. it's like me trying to cut carb's, mid sentance my hand is already in a bowl of brownies. i don't do well with restriction. i don't know how you anorexic's are able to do it, do tell me the recipe tho, i've always been a very curious bulemic, binger.

shall i then go headlong, submerging myself in it till i'm sick of it? i think i've had enough torture, enough bottoms i've hit.

that's it man. that's it, i think i need to "pray" to ....to....to...buddha, allah...to okay, i believe there's this pulse in the world. a pulse that makes right, that has a flow, like the oceans and rivers and it's an energy in everything and at it's interpredly best it's illuminated in the form of "love". so i can maybe feel desperate enough to ask this energetic flow to guide me away from this, or to just open up to what else is here that i've been so fiercely negating. to just let it go, step two feet to my left and let it pass on by.

what do i gain by hanging the fuck on to this bullshit, to him, to the next five hims just like the last five? i gain the repetition that i know in my bones from my childhood. i get intensity and challenge and safety. i don't have to feel out of control. hurtable, and yet the comedy...i'm constantly getting hurt.

i now just feel like cutting it off with mta. which somehow isn't fair. he's thinking we have this friendship and have gone all over town tooling around together. he wouldn't even know the behind the scenes psycho-drama where he played some part i slotted him. he fit *perfectly,* more perfect than anyone and i think that's why i craved it so incredibly. so hatefully. fuck. so i don't know what to "do" about him, and yet i have a feeling that when i authentically reach a conclusion within myself, it will reflect outwardly so easily and there won't need to be anything said or done. it'll just sift itself out. so i'll sit through it and not call back and not react and not purposefully withhold, as that's its own sick form of engagement. i'll just beg for a new answer within.

i feel better now. i'm just still overwhelmed about everything i need to get done. so overwhelmed. i jsut need to pull myself back up more completely. i've just been sliding ever so elegantly down. down in a way that i couldn't really see i was slipping away, but here i am, feeling like i'm not as joyous or free as i could be. i'm not caring for my place completely. liveably, but not really. i still feel abrasion in it. and my desk is a mess you could find nothing you need in the pile on top. and i have a buyers meeting tomorrow i'd like to feel good about. ready. cleaned up and prepared for. and i need to get this belt from my stinking manufacturer for tomorrow. all the way downtown. that's the real splinter in my ass. i just can't fathom. i think i'll have to suck it up and pay a messenger.

i feel slightly off. just off. we can pin it on the lesson i'm struggling with. or the repetition of me putting too much on my plate only to live overwhelmed and collapse and then back slowly out of the room, out of the game, out of the responsiblity becuz of failure and fear and judgement. or we can just say my "brain chemstry" or way in life has always been cyclically a bit depressive like this. depression is my biggest fear. i resist it, and that's why i push so hard.

or we can say it's just me putting too many words on top of my experience, like layers of paint over an original, cool natural rosewood. i just need to stop wording it out, judging it, categorizing it (writing does help, to relinquish it) but i think it's good to unwind, but not judge it. just let it be, so if its depression, o-fucking-k, it's "de-fucking-pression." fuckiit. if it's lessons that "should of been learned years ago," okay lessons, okay where i'm at. if it's some impulse to keep joy at bay and drama intrinsic, then okay man, fuck. okay. bring it, lace me in it. there. acceptance. now seriously, i'm going to be asking this metaphoric river to pull me, open me wide up, unclench my fists and help me to really, truly get past this lesson, not just this guy. this lesson.

ready?
aim.
fire!

and fuck it.

that's my report for the evening. now i have some cat throw up to clean up. ooh and lizard is bringing me tuna meltables and carb's in the form of coookies. so fuck that too. i'm a carb whore. yeah. and i have a feeling you'll love me anyway.

:*0 much love to you all.