2005-05-08 - 10:57 p.m.

what * a * relief

i just am talking to electro for the first real time since the make out session and it's *hilarious*. fucking refreshing, so upfront and easy and gigglable. he said, "so what's up with you starting to make out with me."

i love it. he is saying, yeah that was pretty awkward, which i'm loving. he said he was totally holding back, feeling like he was kissing a guy. i felt like it was a second cousin and your not sure you should be doing it. hillarious that our friendship rose to the surface past the physical experience. how refreshing. how comforting. right where it needs to be. aaahhhh. i feel so loved by that. loved in the right way, the real way. i feel really good about our friendship.

now with mta, it still feels fucked up, becuz i'm still twisted about it. i railed on him tonight about being wierd about calling/not calling these last two weeks. and he acted too effected. i laced it with humor, but he took it more as abrasion somehow. which irritated me. i just don't like where we are at. i like where we were. now it's just fucking different and i hate hearing about him out with another friend that is a woman. i hate the whole torture. i intellectually know every twist and turn and yet i *still* can't get it in my heart where i might be able to change. and i haven't made myself some plan. like cut him out, play it harder, let it be...i just am suspending it. but my experience and reference points still ilve. meaning that what i've projected onto it thrives. eats me alive. i have so much more to tell you...about the night with electro, about today, mothers day. it was one of the saddest most touching days i've experienced. too much to detail now in my exhaustion.

but i have to say, i'm obsessed with telling mta everything. telling him about electro and how different it felt and about my day and i crave to touch ground, to make contact. to feel that same feeling from before. but i'm feeling so ...i guess fucking rejected that i'm hurt and then pissed and then wanting nothing more than to push him away.

see, the pushing again.

push to feel the pull.

and i also know that the 'rejection' is my decision. a manufactured experience. i mean, true, he's not stepping up, not "chasing," which he'd never do as he's not capable, and not ready/interested in my whole package. so it's not like he's not wanting or that i'm getting rejected over and over, i know what he feels for me, he tells everyone we know in common how greatly he thinks of me. but i still let it all feel like he just didn't pick me. that others are more important, more captivating. shit, that's exactly the way cat felt with her last punk. until she met the current right one. and she's never doubted it, him or herself. he's captivated.

the three of us spent all day today moving her. i couldn't imagine if i wasn't there, she'd be alone. i won't ever let someone move alone. it's so overwhelming, no one should have to do that alone. others were slated to help, and i didn't ask why they weren't there. i didn't want her to feel bad about it. plus i got to drive her dope car with the cat in my lap. going 90 feels like a mere 40 in that car. but here she has this amazing car and some shit $99 dollar mattress. we have wrong living, wrong priorities. she drove off in her motorcycle and i have to say, it was incredibly sexy and powerful and just cool. i get why she has it. before it just irritated me cuz of the risk. i don't like people i'm close to having risk like that. smoking, motorcycles. but look at me, finding myself behind the wheel in various colorful states.

i can't wait to move. i need the new energy. i'm ready to move on in many ways. and i'm still so stuck in some.

:8) much more later doodicals.