2005-05-03 - 11:02 p.m.

ten bounced checks.

four thousand dollar law suit.

rent and another mountain of bills due that i slightly "forgot" about.

this is what i woke up to.

i spent all day swimming back to the top.

de-pressing.

pressing down on me with a weight that can only be described as cardiac.

she had a cardiac arrest, her thyroid blew and her heart went next.

i just seemed to keep running as i often do and i selectively forgot that i had bills due. parking tickets, late fee's, checking accounts i needed to balance.

it's also slightly reasonable, becuz i'm producing two national orders without payment from either. so i'm fronting the money for both on a dime. and dime and a darling little dream.

patchwork loans and panic filled creative solutions usually involving plastic adventures. with high APR's.

"it's the american way."

i walk past a homeless person asking for money and i think, yes i have some sort of sick access, but i am far more "poor" financially than you can ever dream of. i'm owned. bought. sold. debt. a debt slave.

last night that one safe plutonic male friend and i went out. looks like we'll have to grant him a name. he's the architect that lives in a dope loft downtown, also does music on a keytar and runs a night downtown in chinatown. wait. stop. that sounds faintly like admiration. or pride in him. or ...like? what is with me having like for my male friends. do opposite sex friends really exhist? i thought he was the one safe tarmac for me to land.

i had no attraction to him. no vibe. distinquished immediately the reasons it would never work. and i still buy that five and dime. but....last night at dinner we were having amazing conversation. excited. salatious. fufilling, comforting. and the slight glancing, catching of an unusual eye. a curious new sight. i never have that with my female friends. and this one and i always have been so strangely, borringly, baldly plutonic. not an ounce of energy between us. he's the one that periodically gets exhausted by dating, turns to me and starts asking life questions like, "you want to have kids, don't you? do you have any tattoo's?" odd questions of placement.

placing me somewhere in his understanding. in his referencing.

i just took a vicadin. i'm sure to regret that tomorrow. i nearly didn't want to, but the sensation of floating away into bed is too irresistable.

so...his name...we'll call him electro, cuz of the keytar and his facination with electronic mastering. last night he drives far across town to pick me up to go back across town for dinner. mexican. we didn't drink.

it was so nice.

then we went for a show and lizard met up. so relaxing and real and light and feathery. just enough.

i still haven't been vibrating just above my body based on the validation from others. i'm just not there. like i lost my mojo, and possibly even my interest. there was this guy circling last night and he was acceptable, but i just couldn't bother. something else is taking over within me. i don't know what the fuck it is, or where it will leave me, but i'm shedding this last skin. i can't crawl back in.

my buyer got fierce on me, asking for exclusivity, right when i was wondering about opening this sucker up and looking for more nationals. aaahhhh. loyalty is primary for me. relationships and integrity. and so is smart business. but there is no imperative right now, so i'm not pressed with any decision, so i just comforted her with my loyalty. which is true, i respect completely what they are doing for the business. respect and honor.

today, i just felt the pressure. here i am, trying to survive and not feeling like i'm doing a very good job. now i know why the heads of household sometimes put a gun into their mouths. not that i would even sigh a breath of that, but i feel the acute pressure. and to have a house and kids relying on me, i just couldn't imagine. i feel so much pressure. i have the financial pressure of just making it work, the larger pressure of making the biz successful, and the specific pressure of sales becuz of the finances, and i have the law suit and on top of it, i have that major project i sold eons ago that is due very soon and for all intensive purposes, have not really started so very much. it's the equivilent of writing an entire book. basically. and i haven't ever done anything like this. i don't know how to create any space for it, and i don't even know if i sneak away from my life if i'll get gun shy and not be able to produce. i'm feeling very pressed. i've never felt like this. i never imagined ever feeling like this. today on my way to my clients, i just cried. all of the sudden, it just errupted in a form of surprising relief. a valve.

i need to do something about this, before they threaten to take out more organs, or i get admitted into the florescent lit white walled ward.

i need to get a lot of new clients or i need to get a business loan to sustain while i'm growing. i just can't keep up. and the good news is, i'm growing and so busy that i can't do the simple things you'd do to prepare for a business like this. but i'm scared, these national orders come and i realize they can also go. ....but...i can also get a fulltime job, i've shown myself that. so okay. i can always sink back into the foliage of nine to five.

that would shock and awe me.

mta has been consummed by family drama and work and blablabla. i haven't heard if he even went on that date. he's not so avail even to follow up on that i think. i wouldnt' be surprised if he hasn't even called that girl since. which brings me to my point, why the fuck do i internalize someone's limitations as *me* not being enough, picked...on and fuckin on.

i'm currently sidestepping it tho. just watching it unfold and holding my breath through it. i think back to that night tho and my whole heart just ignites and warms. and i want that kiss again. but it also felt slightly awkward, like something in me resisted. i wasn't, to be frank, wet. and i don't have a problem with that. but something physiological just held back as the rest of me felt quenched.

someday i'll be past this. and i'll wonder why it was so hard. i've been chatting with this one guy, supposedly an adult. and the availablity and interest from him is nice at first taste, but then frightening. i have to have it in very small doses. that's why i don't with mta, i can eat it in one big swallow, cuz i know it's limited. limitless scares me.

tonight i went to my client/friends dinner night. they have this sick chef make a several course meal with a wine tasting thing. and i had always felt so jealous that i couldn't have the wine. i have to say, the wine tonight was amazing. two of them i really liked. there was a brit guy there. he flirted. an adult. too far off into adultness, already divorced even. yar. save it.

the meal was amazing. the best lamb and cheese. ooo my favorites. how will i ever stay thin, and loose this newly purchased "back fat" that i'm told you buy when you turn thirty.

THIRTY.

how did i ever get to be thirty???

thirty?
i thought i'd be dead by thirty. never arrive.
thirty. nearly thirty. jezuz.

every woman i know says it's great when you finally turn thirty, like something coagulates. and you just don't care and your in your skin and love it.

i feel like blind belief is being required of me right now. i just need to keep moving flirtatiously, passionately forward with my business as if it's self sustaining, as if it's affording to pay for law suits and trips to sf/nyc, bills, car troubles...new apartments...

tomorrow i pick up some new samples. i'm constantly sampling. moving ahead like a steam engine. i'm doing a whole new color pallete and theme. it's exciting to make a whole story surrounding it and present it well. i would just pass out if they actually bought some of these samples. i feel like it's such a blind shot in the dark, i feel like now i'm really medling in biz i know nothing about.

but the good news is, for one manufacturer, i'm near the flower mart a lot. the smell of dozens of florist shops cooling the acrid, concrete air of downtown. making it smell like fresh water and white, sharp pedals. i bought my favorite posies, long stemmed calalilies, white. virgin. ten of them..for SIX DOLLARS. mad. i'd usually pay cut rate at the farmers market thirty dollars for that many. six. and the guy appologized for the price cuz it's more around mothers day. dood, i'm gonna have fresh posies every week now. i want to fill the place. it feels so celebratory. the cost of a large sugar laced latte.

:*0 oo goodness i hope you are well. do you know Joss Stone? i want to know if she's "known"...