2005-03-15 - 8:35 p.m.

i'm having a moment.

thank god moments usually pass.

and come to think of it, i'm also pissed off the map that i have a *training* session at 8 a.m. what kind of masochist am i? clearly one that can't spell masochist.

one day before the entire tradeshow i get a call from the showroom saying they'd like to have me.

FUCK RIGHT OFF.

are you kidding me?

are you sucking my cock right now?

how infuriatingly inconsiderate. i would of had to send out invites to get appointments last week. i would of had to shop out display stuff and rush samples last week. i wouldn't have sent my brand new keen samples to nyc this week. she wants me to come in tomorrow. how fucking incredible.

and yet...i'm considering it.

i mentioned the masochism?

i really want new national sales. i really want something to feel good about right now.

the plan is if i get her to cut the rate in half then it's worth it for me. otherwise i just have to suck it up and bow out and feel left out like a puppy looking out of the glass cage at a happy family who adopted every single mut but her.

i hate missing the party. the perpetual life party.

and that's what i feel like at this moment.

cuz one of my recent x's called and he apperently is getting this sicker than making my ill film deal with one of the most respected heavyweights in the industry. he's gotten in cuz his bff and partner in it is famous. and still, it's a huge huge in. and i'm sitting here feeling those sorry for myself shit that i'm just struggling and should focus of big wins and not trying to hock product and nto really getting anywhere. i'm jealous. and i feel like i'm spinning my wheels.

and even if i get this job, once i've brought it home and hung it in my closet, it will surely loose all of its gleam. i already have started to let it tarnish by saying it's not a big deal and many of their clients are cheesey at best and what am i really doing and why don't i even think i deserve that much while my friend is out there killing it on astronomical levels that i couldn't even imagine.

and here's the cherry::::

the job who said they'd get back latest on monday,
HASN'T CALLED.

so they are either going under,
can't pick,
having an internal emergency,
or torturing me to get me to accept a really low rate by stiring up my fear.

lizard said they'll probably also call months from now at 7am and ask if i can be in by 8am. seriously now, a trade show invite the night before set up??? crack much hooker?

damn.

i *was* in a good mood. now i feel it in my cheast again. and throat.

i work so hard you guys. that's almost all i do, besides socializing, which often is another form of work. what's going on here?

breathing.

i also had to schedule the surgury. and i did a very grown up thing... instead of doing what was best for me (as everyone whose schedule i was trying to coordinate said to do), I thought of others first and did what was best for the team. thus i will be missing a friend who is coming in from nyc to do a party. i'll miss out. but the tickets are cheaper, liz will have off and it won't be easter so it won't quash my moms mello. but i on the other hand am feeling eternally fucked off by the previously mentioned list.

are you borred of me now?

the nurse said i couldn't drive for a week after. that i'd be up and able but that i couldn't move my neck. so no driving. i just don't know how i'll manage to be calm for an entire week. and i don't know if i'll be able to massage for more than that, since its so physical.

life is the heaven or hell that we make of it, i just feel like sometimes the sensation that the clouds are coming in around me forcefeed the choice of hell. i know i can somehow choose to have a different perspective but i'm feeling like throwing a pouty party.
i'm going to go pick up sloppy mexican food that i can feel guilty for later and maybe a movie.